In search of an outlet...
How many times do things have to fail before someone gets discouraged. What if you've tried every way you could think of and things still fail. Do you finally give up or just keep going banking on the fact you think you're right. If you begin to lose interest all on your own but, at the same time you want to hang on. Not out of desperation but, because you know it would be worse without that thing there do you force yourself to stay on the path or let yourself slip?
If problem is not just a project or a test or a hobby but, dating, relationships, love what do you do then? If your relationships only know one setting: FAIL. Why continue? If the people that profess their love to you daily, talk to you about the future, promise the truth or some form of it and all you get is hurt, why continue? Its one thing to date here and there, and not have things work out or even get in to the occasional relationship and things just breakdown ending with you parting ways. Its another thing entirely to have four relationships get ripped apart at the seams leaving you strung out and beat. Losing a friend who was like a brother on the way and ruining school in the aftermath.
I want to believe that its just a run of bad luck but, even my sister is speechless on what to do. It would be amazing to want a do-over and start at the bottom again. But, I feel like its time, energy, and money wasted. What will my starting over again get me? Another girl who tells me she loves me to my face while sleeping with other people in the background. Another girl who wants to stay and love me but, when chances are opportune leave me standing alone with questions that won't ever be answered. Another girl who will shy away from affection and conversation using every excuse available until finally they are out of them, and just leave.
How is all that worth it? How is years worth of aggravation and humiliation worth a false feeling of being cared about on a different level? I understand there are plenty of people who have normal relationships. I also understand that there are plenty of people who can handle the constant rejection. But, I'm getting tired of it.
There's someone I want to pursue but, something in me is reluctant to move. She's amazing, with a sense of humor and a backbone to boot but, all I can think is why bother? All I can think is how useless it will be. I think she's interested but, doesn't want to be. I could try to court her and such but, what does that do for me in the end. More of the same? Or a different version of the same tune?
Fuck, I'm just lost.
If problem is not just a project or a test or a hobby but, dating, relationships, love what do you do then? If your relationships only know one setting: FAIL. Why continue? If the people that profess their love to you daily, talk to you about the future, promise the truth or some form of it and all you get is hurt, why continue? Its one thing to date here and there, and not have things work out or even get in to the occasional relationship and things just breakdown ending with you parting ways. Its another thing entirely to have four relationships get ripped apart at the seams leaving you strung out and beat. Losing a friend who was like a brother on the way and ruining school in the aftermath.
I want to believe that its just a run of bad luck but, even my sister is speechless on what to do. It would be amazing to want a do-over and start at the bottom again. But, I feel like its time, energy, and money wasted. What will my starting over again get me? Another girl who tells me she loves me to my face while sleeping with other people in the background. Another girl who wants to stay and love me but, when chances are opportune leave me standing alone with questions that won't ever be answered. Another girl who will shy away from affection and conversation using every excuse available until finally they are out of them, and just leave.
How is all that worth it? How is years worth of aggravation and humiliation worth a false feeling of being cared about on a different level? I understand there are plenty of people who have normal relationships. I also understand that there are plenty of people who can handle the constant rejection. But, I'm getting tired of it.
There's someone I want to pursue but, something in me is reluctant to move. She's amazing, with a sense of humor and a backbone to boot but, all I can think is why bother? All I can think is how useless it will be. I think she's interested but, doesn't want to be. I could try to court her and such but, what does that do for me in the end. More of the same? Or a different version of the same tune?
Fuck, I'm just lost.