(no subject)
For those who didn't get to watch Bonekickers (shame on you!) dont worry, I have written dwon everything that happened, in a completely neutral non-biased manner, so everyone can revel in the excellence that is Bonekickers!
Opening on an epic battle; this, we are informed it Bath, 1307. How exciting!
Between the hospice and the playground, how exciting!
***
Many years pass.
Adrian Lester and a grizzly-looking man walk over the exact spot of the battle, 700 years later. It seems a Turkish coin has been found in the middle of the westcountry! Lester and Grizzly are meeting some construction workers who are grumbling about being held up by the archaeologists. Lester gently scolds them. "history is about layers" he says. He also manages to work a "your mum" into his lecture.
A shouty lady turns up. "start diggin'" she yells.
'Viv' arrives (ooh, it's Martha's sister!). Lester is in his trench and he shouts at Viv for a bit, then greets her warmly. He takes her inside and shows the map of the area between the hospice and the playground where they are digging. Grizzly compliments her "inspirational chest" and wanders off humming to himself.
Shouty lady comes in, and calls poor Viv a witch! How bitchy!
Some other things happen. Viv finds where some bodies are. Bitchy says that they have been hacked to death, "beautiful!" everyone exclaims and runs inside.
"but who are they?!" shouts Viv.
Bitchy instructs her to "use your archaeological imagination!" Viv - 0_o
Everyone is running about being busy, Viv wants to help.
"no Pretty Young Intern Person, you can help when you impress me!" shouts bitchy. "now I have to go put on a frock!" she screams, and leaves.
Lester attempts to comfort Pretty Young Intern Person (hereafter know as PYIP), but gives up after a few seconds and exits stage right.
***
We are now at some smart dinner thing. A smarmy gentleman is making a speech. The phrases "media sensation" and "soon to be a channel 5 series" are heard. Hmm.
Ahh, this man is called Dr Daniel Mastiff, and his book is called "Sex Rites of the Ancients" Definitely worthy of a channel 5 series.
Bitchy is still feeling pretty angry. She wrenches a drink from Grizzly's hand and announces that they will leave after she has drunk it. How bossy! Grizzly looks sad but doesn't speak.
***
PYIP is in a trench. A pale girl starts talking to her, but PYIP just shouts about the trench. The girl's name is Helena and she works in the hospice. Now PYIP feels bad and shows her a shoe she had just dug up. Aww.
Helena Hospice thinks she has spotted the other shoe and PYIP invites her down into the trench to help pull out the 13th century artefact. A hospice worker? And they just yank it out of the ground! And Helena Hospice gets a splinter! Surely you couldn't -- Oh, never mind.
Anyway, it's just a block of wood. Not important at all.
***
Back at the dinner Dr Mastiff and Bitchy flirt all camply. Bitchy refers to herself as "a grubby wee digger" haha, Bitchy's all flamboyant and smarmy here, she's so cool ^^
Anyway, she describes Mastiff's book as "antiquity with titties and front bottoms", and his previous as "napoleon goes a-bonking."
Then Mastiff says all the wrong things (don't insult people's mothers!) and Bitchy storms off, shouting for Lester and Grizzly to heel.
Grizzly's still not allowed to talk.
***
Everyone is being all sciency in the lab. PYIP is impressed and ignored.
Lester discovers that his sword hilt is not from Europe, it is from the middle east. This might be important, but I can't understand a bloody word when they all start talking, .
Next they all look at some cotton under UV lights. Grizzly hasn't said a word since his pervy chat with PYIP ages ago.
They discover that the knights are Templar knights, who were violent. More on this later.
***
There are some religious men praying. One looks like Jake Gyllenhaal. Ok, they are scarily religious. There is a smarmy religious man staring out from the TV, who utters the phrase "butchered by the enemies of christ". I didn't write down a context for this, but it sounds scary.
***
Back in the lab we learn more about the Templar Knights - they were the church's SAS, until they got too radical and started slaughtering Muslims. I think that's right, I'm still finding this program hard to pay attention too.
Grizzly finally talks! Again he admires PYIP's bosom and also gives her helpful knowledge about Friday the 13th. He's so thoughtful and gentlemanly.
PYIP - 0_o
PYIP also decides to hand over the wood she found. Why now? Surely if you -- oh, I'm not even going to bother.
***
Someone hisses down the phone at Bitchy. She isn't fazed though. "Identify yourself creepy caller!" She hollers, but the creepy caller hangs up.
Ok, Bitchy looks a little bit scared now.
***
Helena Hospice is praying for sick man, whilst at the same time Lester looks at PYIP's wood and some trees. This is all set to music, lovely!
***
one of Grizzly's "pert little third years" finds a crucifix belonging to a Roman monk, who was a chronicler of the Templars. Ooh, how exciting!
The Boners find that the string has been yanked from the neck - by force!
Now this bit is important, Bitchy explains everything for those who haven't been paying attention - basically when Europe turned against the Templars, they came to Somerset looking for a church, and got attacked by Saracens, who are the inhabitants of the holy lands. I think.
"absurd!" exclaims Grizzly. I notice that he never perves on Bitchy. She's just too cool and bitchy.
Bitchy thinks that the Templars had precious stolen relics with them.
***
I am bored.
***
The televangelist does his creepy stare on the TV. Jake Gyllenhaal's mate watches.
***
PYIP makes tea and bitches about her degree - watch it PYIP, there's only one Bitchy on this show!
Lester is nice to her though, awww. For a second anyway, then he gets excited about his wood.
No, the wood is 2000 years old, made of cedar, and it is from the holy land. Not only that - it has blood and metal in it! Do you know what this means? Yes - it's the cross of Jesus! What a rational conclusion to come to!
***
Jake Gyllenhaal and mates are being scary. Stary tells them that they are going to war.
***
Aww, Bitchy is being nice to PYIP! For a second anyway, then she rambles nonsensically for a while, or maybe I stop listening.
***
Stary is on the TV again doing more staring! Ahhh, he's so creepy, I don't want to look into his eyes.
***
Bitchy is on the phone to an Abbot, explaining the email system. Aww, she's so helpful! And she looks rather pretty here too.
***
Helena Hospice is doing more praying. The dying man wakes up! It's a miracle! She gets interviewed on TV, because she's touched Jesus' cross and is now a miracle worker. Huh? She didn't know what it was did she? Surely she -- oh, never mind.
***
Bitchy tells PYIP off, for letting a layman help with excavating 13th century artefacts. Finally someone doing something that makes sense!
***
The press are all over the dig site. "remove your stringy buttocks from my dig!" yells Bitchy. I LOVE BITCHY!
She rants some more at the press, who want to know if they really have found the cross of Jesus. HOW DO THEY KNOW ABOUT THIS?
"Yes!" Screams Bitchy, "Last week we tripped over the holy grail, and next week we're going after Atlantis!" - Bitchy = WIN.
***
Stary is on the TV again. Jake's mate is watching, then Jake comes in and does a good impression of Stary.
Apparently Jake and his mate are knights. They are now in a mosque and Jake's mate yells at a muslim man, then shows off his sword - wait, what?!
Jake's mate swings the sword, yells at all the muslims to run, and bursts into tears. You couldn't make this up -- oh, wait.
***
PYIP and Helena Hospice chat through a fence. Helena is asked to heal a child with leukaemia. PYIP tells her to remove her splinter.
***
Bitchy gives PYIP the keys to her flat, and tells her to fetch a change of clothes and a crossbow. AND NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING!
***
PYIP has a nosey round Bitchy's flat, WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?
PYIP finds a picture of Bitchy's mum, with an article about her suicide attempt next to it. How normal!
PYIP also finds lots of sword pictures, "what the hell is this?" she says. I'm wondering the same thing.
PYIP hears noises!
Jake's mate is outside, he puts his sword through the door. It's scary, a bit like the shining.
PYIP hides in a room with pictures of constellations and swords in it.
***
The Boners are in the lab when PYIP busts in "not being funny or anything, but some men with medieval swords just broke into your flat!" Bitchy is angry with PYIP for finding a way out though.
***
Back at the flat, Bitchy reckons that Jake and his shining mate, Johnny perhaps, were looking for the cross. Wait, why would it be in her flat? It's a 13th century -- Oh, why do I bother.
Bitchy's photo of her mum got smashed too.
***
OMG now Stary owns the land that the dig is on! and he brainwashes orphan boys! This must mean Jack and Johnny! OMG.
***
Johnny is in a tunnel. The muslim man from before comes back and says he's a reasonable man, and he doesn't want to call the police, if Johnny would just, like, put his sword down.
Johnny cuts of his head.
Wait.
THIS MAN'S HEAD JUST GOT CUT OFF!
What?!
***
Stary stands outside the dig staring at his worshippers in some kind of ritual. Doves and clapping are involved, while the Boners stare too. all I can think about is that A MAN'S HEAD JUST GOT CUT OFF!!!
Stary comes into the tent and rambles at Bitchy and Lester whilst running his finger over all the relics. They argue, but I am too busy thinking about the fact that A MAN JUST HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFF. OMFG!
***
The chronicler monk's name is Steven. Bitchy has his manuscripts. Or some of them, or Stary has them. I'm not really sure. But I know that Bitchy is really cool and clever, and Lester's all impressed, and Bitchy is all happy and flirty. Or maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. Bitchy and Lester should so get together.
Lester ruins it though, by thinking out loud about what would happen Stary and his army started crucifying people. Bit of a mood killer.
***
Grizzly is in a library or a bookshop and find's Steve's manuscript in the "monk" section. Jake and Johnny come and do some scary staring from between books, and it all goes dark.
***
Now Grizzly is back at the lab. Huh?
Apparently, those Saracens that attacked the Templars, were really English folks who dressed up and left middle eastern coins about, then buggered off with the cross of Jesus.
Bitchy is pissed that Steven doesn't mention where the cross is. He obviously survived, she says, as his writings are in the past tense!
Lester says this is good, as if anyone knew where it was, Stary "would be lynching heathens and parading the cross up and down pall mall by now!!"
***
"We know how to dig" yells Bitchy but I don't know why.
***
Bitchy and Grizzly get Steve's book from Stary's library. They just walk in. I thought he was like, the enemy? Surely he would have -- Oh, never mind.
***
PYIP and Lester are in the lab. They hear some banging. Jake and Johnny are really bad at this 'surprise attack' concept. Lester and PYIP pack all their stuff into the van but THEY DROP STEVE'S CRUCIFIX WITH THE STRANGE MARKINGS CARVED INTO THE BACK THAT TELL YOU WHERE TO GO!
***
Bitchy reads the 13th century manuscript in the car. She's not even wearing gloves, or -- I'm just not going to bother. They also discover Steve's necklace is gone!
***
JAKE HAS IT OMG!!
Apparently the symbol is where the cross is, and it is in Herefordshire, and so the Boners drive there, and I don't understand.
***
The Boners meet a farmer who takes them to a 14th century dovecot in his garden.
Hey, Stary has a dove!! Just sayin'
Grizzly - "12 rows high x 55 coops = 666 doves, OMG THE DEVIL!"
12 x 55 = 660, so I must have got something wrong.
Anyway, there is a big hole in the ground.
Bitchy abseils through it, and she is shocked at what she sees.
So Lester shoves PYIP down the hole.
***
OMG ITS A GRAVEYARD!
Oh wait, these crosses are huge. It is a whole load of crucifixes. Bitchy explains that the Romans didn't know which was Christ's so they bought them all. they go looking for it.
But surely there was more than -- Oh.
The rope that Bitchy abseiled down is pulled back up. Jake and Johnny are pointing their swords at Lester and Grizzly! Now Stary's here! omg!
Bitchy decides to shout up, so everyone knows she's down there. Wait, PYIP has disappeared!
***
Stary descends into the crucifix chamber, looking ever so cool. What a bastard.
***
Oh there's PYIP, hiding behind a crucifix.
Bitchy does some really good bitching at Stary, and then PYIP makes a noise, what a rubbish hider! Stary points his sword at her, serves her right, but Bitchy starts a big fire, and PYIP hides again.
***
Bitchy dangles from her rope; whilst up above, Lester and Grizzly make Jake and Johnny cry with some nonsense about doves.
***
Stary is lurching about, singing in a mad sort of way, whilst looking for PYIP.
***
Johnny goes down through the hole and he and Bitchy have an epic fight whilst dangling from ropes, I LOVE BITCHY, she makes Johnny fall down, and Stary finds PYIP because she's shouting about stuff. he swings his sword at her, but she starts singing to distract him, and Bitchy sets him on fire! GO BITCHY!
Grizzly and Lester pull Bitchy and PYIP through the hole
***
Johnny sees a knight through the flames, his knight in shining armour, coming to rescue him! Then he dies.
***
Jake is crying.
Bitchy really likes PYIP now.
They all go to the pub. Seriously, even with two dead bodies, and a fanatical militant all hanging around in the bemused farmer's garden.
****
Jesus' cross, down below, is burning up.
And, Helena Hospice is no longer a miracle worker! PYIP pulls out her splinter. Take that Helena Hospice!
***
PYIP tries to bond with Bitchy. Her response? "are you going to keep talking like a fortune cookie?"
***
Bitchy is in her constellation/sword room. She pins Steven the monk's picture to the wall. I don't really understand, but she is talking to her mum. She'll "keep following the gleam."
*******
NEXT TIME: Looks much the same as this episode.
THE END!
Opening on an epic battle; this, we are informed it Bath, 1307. How exciting!
Between the hospice and the playground, how exciting!
***
Many years pass.
Adrian Lester and a grizzly-looking man walk over the exact spot of the battle, 700 years later. It seems a Turkish coin has been found in the middle of the westcountry! Lester and Grizzly are meeting some construction workers who are grumbling about being held up by the archaeologists. Lester gently scolds them. "history is about layers" he says. He also manages to work a "your mum" into his lecture.
A shouty lady turns up. "start diggin'" she yells.
'Viv' arrives (ooh, it's Martha's sister!). Lester is in his trench and he shouts at Viv for a bit, then greets her warmly. He takes her inside and shows the map of the area between the hospice and the playground where they are digging. Grizzly compliments her "inspirational chest" and wanders off humming to himself.
Shouty lady comes in, and calls poor Viv a witch! How bitchy!
Some other things happen. Viv finds where some bodies are. Bitchy says that they have been hacked to death, "beautiful!" everyone exclaims and runs inside.
"but who are they?!" shouts Viv.
Bitchy instructs her to "use your archaeological imagination!" Viv - 0_o
Everyone is running about being busy, Viv wants to help.
"no Pretty Young Intern Person, you can help when you impress me!" shouts bitchy. "now I have to go put on a frock!" she screams, and leaves.
Lester attempts to comfort Pretty Young Intern Person (hereafter know as PYIP), but gives up after a few seconds and exits stage right.
***
We are now at some smart dinner thing. A smarmy gentleman is making a speech. The phrases "media sensation" and "soon to be a channel 5 series" are heard. Hmm.
Ahh, this man is called Dr Daniel Mastiff, and his book is called "Sex Rites of the Ancients" Definitely worthy of a channel 5 series.
Bitchy is still feeling pretty angry. She wrenches a drink from Grizzly's hand and announces that they will leave after she has drunk it. How bossy! Grizzly looks sad but doesn't speak.
***
PYIP is in a trench. A pale girl starts talking to her, but PYIP just shouts about the trench. The girl's name is Helena and she works in the hospice. Now PYIP feels bad and shows her a shoe she had just dug up. Aww.
Helena Hospice thinks she has spotted the other shoe and PYIP invites her down into the trench to help pull out the 13th century artefact. A hospice worker? And they just yank it out of the ground! And Helena Hospice gets a splinter! Surely you couldn't -- Oh, never mind.
Anyway, it's just a block of wood. Not important at all.
***
Back at the dinner Dr Mastiff and Bitchy flirt all camply. Bitchy refers to herself as "a grubby wee digger" haha, Bitchy's all flamboyant and smarmy here, she's so cool ^^
Anyway, she describes Mastiff's book as "antiquity with titties and front bottoms", and his previous as "napoleon goes a-bonking."
Then Mastiff says all the wrong things (don't insult people's mothers!) and Bitchy storms off, shouting for Lester and Grizzly to heel.
Grizzly's still not allowed to talk.
***
Everyone is being all sciency in the lab. PYIP is impressed and ignored.
Lester discovers that his sword hilt is not from Europe, it is from the middle east. This might be important, but I can't understand a bloody word when they all start talking, .
Next they all look at some cotton under UV lights. Grizzly hasn't said a word since his pervy chat with PYIP ages ago.
They discover that the knights are Templar knights, who were violent. More on this later.
***
There are some religious men praying. One looks like Jake Gyllenhaal. Ok, they are scarily religious. There is a smarmy religious man staring out from the TV, who utters the phrase "butchered by the enemies of christ". I didn't write down a context for this, but it sounds scary.
***
Back in the lab we learn more about the Templar Knights - they were the church's SAS, until they got too radical and started slaughtering Muslims. I think that's right, I'm still finding this program hard to pay attention too.
Grizzly finally talks! Again he admires PYIP's bosom and also gives her helpful knowledge about Friday the 13th. He's so thoughtful and gentlemanly.
PYIP - 0_o
PYIP also decides to hand over the wood she found. Why now? Surely if you -- oh, I'm not even going to bother.
***
Someone hisses down the phone at Bitchy. She isn't fazed though. "Identify yourself creepy caller!" She hollers, but the creepy caller hangs up.
Ok, Bitchy looks a little bit scared now.
***
Helena Hospice is praying for sick man, whilst at the same time Lester looks at PYIP's wood and some trees. This is all set to music, lovely!
***
one of Grizzly's "pert little third years" finds a crucifix belonging to a Roman monk, who was a chronicler of the Templars. Ooh, how exciting!
The Boners find that the string has been yanked from the neck - by force!
Now this bit is important, Bitchy explains everything for those who haven't been paying attention - basically when Europe turned against the Templars, they came to Somerset looking for a church, and got attacked by Saracens, who are the inhabitants of the holy lands. I think.
"absurd!" exclaims Grizzly. I notice that he never perves on Bitchy. She's just too cool and bitchy.
Bitchy thinks that the Templars had precious stolen relics with them.
***
I am bored.
***
The televangelist does his creepy stare on the TV. Jake Gyllenhaal's mate watches.
***
PYIP makes tea and bitches about her degree - watch it PYIP, there's only one Bitchy on this show!
Lester is nice to her though, awww. For a second anyway, then he gets excited about his wood.
No, the wood is 2000 years old, made of cedar, and it is from the holy land. Not only that - it has blood and metal in it! Do you know what this means? Yes - it's the cross of Jesus! What a rational conclusion to come to!
***
Jake Gyllenhaal and mates are being scary. Stary tells them that they are going to war.
***
Aww, Bitchy is being nice to PYIP! For a second anyway, then she rambles nonsensically for a while, or maybe I stop listening.
***
Stary is on the TV again doing more staring! Ahhh, he's so creepy, I don't want to look into his eyes.
***
Bitchy is on the phone to an Abbot, explaining the email system. Aww, she's so helpful! And she looks rather pretty here too.
***
Helena Hospice is doing more praying. The dying man wakes up! It's a miracle! She gets interviewed on TV, because she's touched Jesus' cross and is now a miracle worker. Huh? She didn't know what it was did she? Surely she -- oh, never mind.
***
Bitchy tells PYIP off, for letting a layman help with excavating 13th century artefacts. Finally someone doing something that makes sense!
***
The press are all over the dig site. "remove your stringy buttocks from my dig!" yells Bitchy. I LOVE BITCHY!
She rants some more at the press, who want to know if they really have found the cross of Jesus. HOW DO THEY KNOW ABOUT THIS?
"Yes!" Screams Bitchy, "Last week we tripped over the holy grail, and next week we're going after Atlantis!" - Bitchy = WIN.
***
Stary is on the TV again. Jake's mate is watching, then Jake comes in and does a good impression of Stary.
Apparently Jake and his mate are knights. They are now in a mosque and Jake's mate yells at a muslim man, then shows off his sword - wait, what?!
Jake's mate swings the sword, yells at all the muslims to run, and bursts into tears. You couldn't make this up -- oh, wait.
***
PYIP and Helena Hospice chat through a fence. Helena is asked to heal a child with leukaemia. PYIP tells her to remove her splinter.
***
Bitchy gives PYIP the keys to her flat, and tells her to fetch a change of clothes and a crossbow. AND NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING!
***
PYIP has a nosey round Bitchy's flat, WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?
PYIP finds a picture of Bitchy's mum, with an article about her suicide attempt next to it. How normal!
PYIP also finds lots of sword pictures, "what the hell is this?" she says. I'm wondering the same thing.
PYIP hears noises!
Jake's mate is outside, he puts his sword through the door. It's scary, a bit like the shining.
PYIP hides in a room with pictures of constellations and swords in it.
***
The Boners are in the lab when PYIP busts in "not being funny or anything, but some men with medieval swords just broke into your flat!" Bitchy is angry with PYIP for finding a way out though.
***
Back at the flat, Bitchy reckons that Jake and his shining mate, Johnny perhaps, were looking for the cross. Wait, why would it be in her flat? It's a 13th century -- Oh, why do I bother.
Bitchy's photo of her mum got smashed too.
***
OMG now Stary owns the land that the dig is on! and he brainwashes orphan boys! This must mean Jack and Johnny! OMG.
***
Johnny is in a tunnel. The muslim man from before comes back and says he's a reasonable man, and he doesn't want to call the police, if Johnny would just, like, put his sword down.
Johnny cuts of his head.
Wait.
THIS MAN'S HEAD JUST GOT CUT OFF!
What?!
***
Stary stands outside the dig staring at his worshippers in some kind of ritual. Doves and clapping are involved, while the Boners stare too. all I can think about is that A MAN'S HEAD JUST GOT CUT OFF!!!
Stary comes into the tent and rambles at Bitchy and Lester whilst running his finger over all the relics. They argue, but I am too busy thinking about the fact that A MAN JUST HAD HIS HEAD CUT OFF. OMFG!
***
The chronicler monk's name is Steven. Bitchy has his manuscripts. Or some of them, or Stary has them. I'm not really sure. But I know that Bitchy is really cool and clever, and Lester's all impressed, and Bitchy is all happy and flirty. Or maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. Bitchy and Lester should so get together.
Lester ruins it though, by thinking out loud about what would happen Stary and his army started crucifying people. Bit of a mood killer.
***
Grizzly is in a library or a bookshop and find's Steve's manuscript in the "monk" section. Jake and Johnny come and do some scary staring from between books, and it all goes dark.
***
Now Grizzly is back at the lab. Huh?
Apparently, those Saracens that attacked the Templars, were really English folks who dressed up and left middle eastern coins about, then buggered off with the cross of Jesus.
Bitchy is pissed that Steven doesn't mention where the cross is. He obviously survived, she says, as his writings are in the past tense!
Lester says this is good, as if anyone knew where it was, Stary "would be lynching heathens and parading the cross up and down pall mall by now!!"
***
"We know how to dig" yells Bitchy but I don't know why.
***
Bitchy and Grizzly get Steve's book from Stary's library. They just walk in. I thought he was like, the enemy? Surely he would have -- Oh, never mind.
***
PYIP and Lester are in the lab. They hear some banging. Jake and Johnny are really bad at this 'surprise attack' concept. Lester and PYIP pack all their stuff into the van but THEY DROP STEVE'S CRUCIFIX WITH THE STRANGE MARKINGS CARVED INTO THE BACK THAT TELL YOU WHERE TO GO!
***
Bitchy reads the 13th century manuscript in the car. She's not even wearing gloves, or -- I'm just not going to bother. They also discover Steve's necklace is gone!
***
JAKE HAS IT OMG!!
Apparently the symbol is where the cross is, and it is in Herefordshire, and so the Boners drive there, and I don't understand.
***
The Boners meet a farmer who takes them to a 14th century dovecot in his garden.
Hey, Stary has a dove!! Just sayin'
Grizzly - "12 rows high x 55 coops = 666 doves, OMG THE DEVIL!"
12 x 55 = 660, so I must have got something wrong.
Anyway, there is a big hole in the ground.
Bitchy abseils through it, and she is shocked at what she sees.
So Lester shoves PYIP down the hole.
***
OMG ITS A GRAVEYARD!
Oh wait, these crosses are huge. It is a whole load of crucifixes. Bitchy explains that the Romans didn't know which was Christ's so they bought them all. they go looking for it.
But surely there was more than -- Oh.
The rope that Bitchy abseiled down is pulled back up. Jake and Johnny are pointing their swords at Lester and Grizzly! Now Stary's here! omg!
Bitchy decides to shout up, so everyone knows she's down there. Wait, PYIP has disappeared!
***
Stary descends into the crucifix chamber, looking ever so cool. What a bastard.
***
Oh there's PYIP, hiding behind a crucifix.
Bitchy does some really good bitching at Stary, and then PYIP makes a noise, what a rubbish hider! Stary points his sword at her, serves her right, but Bitchy starts a big fire, and PYIP hides again.
***
Bitchy dangles from her rope; whilst up above, Lester and Grizzly make Jake and Johnny cry with some nonsense about doves.
***
Stary is lurching about, singing in a mad sort of way, whilst looking for PYIP.
***
Johnny goes down through the hole and he and Bitchy have an epic fight whilst dangling from ropes, I LOVE BITCHY, she makes Johnny fall down, and Stary finds PYIP because she's shouting about stuff. he swings his sword at her, but she starts singing to distract him, and Bitchy sets him on fire! GO BITCHY!
Grizzly and Lester pull Bitchy and PYIP through the hole
***
Johnny sees a knight through the flames, his knight in shining armour, coming to rescue him! Then he dies.
***
Jake is crying.
Bitchy really likes PYIP now.
They all go to the pub. Seriously, even with two dead bodies, and a fanatical militant all hanging around in the bemused farmer's garden.
****
Jesus' cross, down below, is burning up.
And, Helena Hospice is no longer a miracle worker! PYIP pulls out her splinter. Take that Helena Hospice!
***
PYIP tries to bond with Bitchy. Her response? "are you going to keep talking like a fortune cookie?"
***
Bitchy is in her constellation/sword room. She pins Steven the monk's picture to the wall. I don't really understand, but she is talking to her mum. She'll "keep following the gleam."
*******
NEXT TIME: Looks much the same as this episode.
THE END!