Oh. Wow.
Another moment of typing to an empty page of tumbleweeds is about to appear and then recess into my memories.
I read all of my old entries and thank god I went to therapy and tried everything I could. There was something blocking my vision from seeing myself as I am.
Safe to say, I am mostly recovered from this tremendous nightmare of fun house mirrors. The price I pay is probably being at the highest weight of my life, but it's nothing some exercise can't fix. 14 years later.
The age of internet allows us to stay connected. And all this time. 14 years. So much has happened. And in my life you would think things have gotten better: I'd have had a better boyfriend or married, better job, better living situation, but nuh uh. It only got worse from there.
Surgery after surgery on my feet stopped me from doing anything I loved. Boyfriends physically and mentally tortured me and left me with so many deep scars that I've had to nurture and process. No more cutting. Now, I am here trying to pursue a Master's degree. My younger self wouldn't even begin to understand how. She left the Bachelor's program, but I completed that in 2021. Now, I'm here in Prague. Writing to an empty fucking page.
I lost so many friends. Sunny Rae, Kit, Wolf, Sister Anne, my best animal friends Galahad and Bobby girl. I don't want to lose anyone else, but this is a process in life that happens. I can't just say "death, stop it". I mean, death isn't the end anyway. I'm still connected as ever to the other side, maybe even more. I think that's another post for another time.
I guess I'll always be the woman with red hair who is lost in a daydream, half in reality, half in the clouds with the stars and gods.