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[Zhaneel had made a point of avoiding the transportation crystals since the strange magic had been performed on them. Oh, and since people had EYES appearing all over them because of using them. Yeah, no thanks. The gryphon has already been through her fair share of allotted chaos in the past few weeks without having to deal with thatShe is
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Any amusement in Zhaneel's posture flees the moment he speaks again, and her ear tufts pin back against her skull. She was not expecting this, even as much as she was expecting this. She had been avoiding people for this very reason, not wanting any form of confrontation. He beak opens and closes again with a click and a soft keen slips past it as it opens again.
Silently, she's judging distance .. gauging if she has any chance if he decides to act. While she ponders that, another part of her relaxes and she simply surrenders to it. If he wants to kill her, he'll have no fight on his hands.
Her head and wings droop and she looks away, looking positively pathetic.]
I did not want to .. I could not ssssstop myssssself .. I trrrried to ssstop, but I could not .. My thoughtssss werre hot .. angrrry .. ssssso angrrrry.
[She keens low in her throat, the sound mournful and pathetic. Her capybara grunts and nuzzles at the side of her face, but it does nothing to calm her.]
I wanted to sssstop .. I rrrrrememberrrr killing .. hurrrrting .. Mimmi .. Ezrrrrra .. and otherrrrrsssss .. Wasssss sssssick .. wassss sssssick beforrrrre it happened .. Kloe sssssaid it wassss herrrr fault. Sssshe ssssaid ssssshe got me ssssick, but ssssshe issss well. I wassss the one that did it .. wasssss I that hurrrrt and killed..
[She is trembling as she turns her golden gaze back to Kevas, her pupils contracted to tiny pinpoints. Her tone is plaintive and full of sorrow and misery.]
I could not sssstop, Kevasssss.
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He approaches Zhaneel slowly, his hands falling away from his chest, and he kneels in front of her. Either she's an extraordinary liar or she's telling the truth. Kevas sincerely doubts it's the former.]
I believe joo.
[Kevas places a hand by her wing and looks at her with compassion.]
And I ain't be believin' it be joor fault eiddah. It be dis Kloe's fault. If dat damn fool knew she could do dis to uddah's den she shouldah been more careful. Joo just be a victim, like all da uddah's. And if anyone be t'inkin' diffrent well, dey gonna haftah get t'roo me first.
[There's a certain sense of deja vu he's getting from all of this. He can remember a time when she was giving a similar speech to him. However he'll be looking into this Kloe ladymon. Whoever she is she sounds like a threat and if she's a danger to those Kevas cares about then she'll need to be dealt with.]
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As Kevas shifts and moves in, she flinches back and readies herself for any number of things that could happen next. She, like Kevas, is muchly taken aback when it does not go the way she expects. As much as she considered the troll one of her closest friends her at Vertiline, she was expecting a much deserved killing blow or to be beaten for what she had done.
When he crouches next to her, instead laying a calming hand on her trembling wing, she keens low in her throat, panting with stress. She searches his face and then shakes her head; she had not mentioned Klow's name to get the woman in trouble.]
Sssssshe did not know I could be infected .. animalssss on herrrr worrrld arrre immune. Ssssshe did not realize what had happened until it wasssss too late. When sssshe realized what happened, sssshe acted quickly .. efficiently ..
[She'd put a bullet through Zhaneel's brain, actually.
The young gryphon is an emotional mess. Self-depracating .. self-hate .. yep, it's all there in spades! :D In a voice hardly over a whisper, throat catching around the words in a gryphonic version of a sob, she continues.]
Ssssshould not have come back, Kevasssss .. why did I come back?? Wassss dead .. desssserrrved to be dead! Came back .. isssss crrrrruel joke to come back .. to have to face them all ..
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And when the gryphon begins to sob Kevas' attention is back on her. He frowns, almost disapprovingly, and lightly bops her on the head to get her attention. It's something he's done with his daughter on several occasions.]
Joo weren't in control of joorself. Dere be no reason to judge joorself so harshly, and if joo really be t'inkin' joo done sometin' wrong den don't just sit here and whine. Do sometin' 'bout it! Redeem joorself! Not to any of da mons here but to joorself. What dey be t'inkin' don't mattah. All dat mattahs be whatchu t'ink.
[Advice Kevas lives by himself, or tries to anyway. To this day Kevas has a hard time looking at himself in the mirror without seeing ghosts in it. At least Zhaneel didn't choose to kill these people. She still has plenty of chances ahead of her.]
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She blinks several times, inner lids sweeping over her eyes as she studies the troll almost dubiously. But, his attempt at gaining her attention is successful and though she still appears stressed and uncomfortable, she is at least not keening every other breath.
She hears his words .. actually letting them sink in as her beak falls open just a touch. He was right. What good was she doing sitting around like this and wallowing? She could be doing something to make it btter, couldn't she? She could redeem herself ..
She could do something ridiculously foolish to redeem herself in the eyes of those she'd injured or killed.
No, Kevas .. you didn't tell her to go on a suicide mission for redemption, but she's choosing to take it that way. :D]
Thissss could help .. I could do ssssomething to help .. ssssomething that cannot be done by ssssomeone elssse!
[She bobs her head once, already moving through things she knew she could do better than other Called. She had tried to kill herself once in this manner; doing something foolhardy during a recon mission that ended with her success.
Then her ear tufts flatten against her skull and she looks away, not keening, but looking terribly sad.]
They hate me, Kevassss .. They will not forrrgive .. They will not forrrrrget.
[And by the Havens, she wanted to be accepted and cared for/about. She'd come so far after the emotional and physical abuse she'd suffered and had finally a touch of peace. It had all come crashing down around her and though she was a fiercesome beast in battle, she looked timid and distressed. A bit sad to see such a creature this pathetic, isn't it?
If slitting ones' wrists was as easy and effective for a gryphon as a human, she'd have likely tried it ages ago.]
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Now dat be da right idea.
[Kevas smiles approvingly and pats her shoulder, or at least where he thinks her shoulder is.]
Maybe, but I will. And from what I seen one good friend be bettah den a bunch of nameless followahs.
[Of course that's something Kevas has never had. Most of the people Kevas saw as friends betrayed him in the end. He does have a little brother though, and he figures that's close enough. Kevas is always of the philosophy that less is more...except when it comes to alcohol...and ladymons.]
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There is a certain amount of freedom in deciding one is okay with dying and that they're going to work to make it count! Her facial feathers rise and flatten as she fluffs up and she bobs her head again, and then casts Kevas a sidelong look.
If she had Kevas' trust and belief, then that should be enough, right? She'd never had a very large circle of friends before coming to Vertiline, so did she need it now?
She'd considered several of those she'd injured/killed friends .. It hurt to think of losing them .. but if she could redeem herself, then they might think differently of her, right?! Yep, she was taking Kevas' helpful suggestions COMPLETELY THE WRONG WAY! :D
She finally nods her beak once as if in decision, bolstering her courage even more.]
You arrre rrright .. I know I have you at my sssside .. that is morrrre ssssupporrrrtive than you can imagine.
[Awww, look, Kevas .. You've got her calmed down quite a bit! her speech isn't quite there yet, but she's not trembling all over anymore.
She lets out a slow exhale, straightening a bit so she's not curled in on herself.]
Thank you, Kevassss. Forrrr yourrrr worrrdssss and forrrr believing me.
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Of course he has no idea that she's taking his advice and running with it in the completely wrong direction. There's going to be one hell of a talk when he finds out though.]
Course I be right. I always be right.
[Kevas winks at her playfully.
Now that she seems to be calm, Kevas rises to his feet and tips his hat politely.]
How could I not?
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At his self assured answer, she actually chortles softly, amused. Her beak gapes a bit and she feels far calmer than she has since he approached her. Hell, better than she's felt in days!
She shifts as he rises and bumps her head into his chest, leaning there for a moment before sighing at his words and lifting ehr head again to look at him.]
Many would not .. but that you do sssspeaksss much of yourrr valorrr.
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When she bumps her head against his chest Kevas smiles and gently pats her. Looks like he's doing some actual good after all.]
Valuh? Me? Joo gotta be t'inkin' of da wrong troll ladymon.
[There are a great many back home that would call him a coward for the thing he's done, and honestly he wouldn't argue with them.]
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