SHARING TIME! :D
bondchick_nett is proud to present:
The Ultimate Rules for Cooking for Christmas
With Gaff & Nett
First off, you need to not start cooking your over complicated meals until around quarter to midnight on Christmas Eve. When you realise you are:
a) about to be delirious & crazy
b) going to have to get up super early in the morning to prepare breakfast
& c) have atleast four hours of cooking to do and a quarter of an hour to do it before parental units will attempt sleep.
Then you need some seriously awesome funk-styling tunes. If you have hashed out your super fabulous lounge-singers-of-the-50s-do-christmas-carols album during Christmas Eve and you need to use it during dinner the next day, then choose something dancy and electronica. We chose Pendulum's Hold Your Colour, but anything by Paul Oekenfold, Payl Van Dyk or the Prodigy will also do nicely. If in doubt try Aphex Twin -- the not freakish albums.
With your music ready, and delirium for fatigue setting in, you are ready to cook food in preparation for an evening meal for nine guests on Christmas day.
Remember to accept random guests who call at odd hours on mobile phones because all the pubs shut at midnight and thusly they are bored. But be sure to tell them to SIT QUIETLY in the corner and OBSERVE. They are not allowed to engage in witty banter, nor are they allowed to regale the group with coherent conversational stylings. Their job is to sit and be impressed by the cooking, and not wake up the parentals. THAT IS THEIR ONLY JOB! ONE WEEK!
Keep in mind, there must be witty rapport between the cooks, or between chef and assistant:
Gaff: *puts Slam by Pendulum on & begins portioning cream cheese*
Nett: Dude, I'm sure this HAS already been put in a soundtrack
*stirs eggs & milk over water thoughtfully*
Gaff: Well maybe they just sampled this bit from another song
*wraps up final amounts of cream cheese and shakes the unused bit in Nett's face*
Nett: No, seriously man, just about now there are men coming around the corner wearing black trenchies that blow in the wind, and or black sunnies.
Gaff: *chuckles and sets up the beater*
Nett: Possibly they're ninjas.
Gaff&Nett: Mmmmmm. Ninjas.
Gaff: Now.. wait for it... *pause* Now everything just goes SHIT CRAZY
Gaff&Nett: *dance hard core whilst engaging in Stirrination™ and Beatxoring™*
Nett: OOoooooh. Nope wait.
Gaff&Nett: *pause mid-motion*
Nett: And... BULLET TIME!
Gaff&Nett: *stir & beat in slo mo*
Gaff: CRAZY FINAL BEAT DOWN!
Water under Egg-&-Milk-Bowl: *boils*
Gaff&Nett: *dance hard core*
Nett's Booty: *is shaken*
Gaff's Free Arm: *is waved wildly*
Cream Cheese: *is thoroughly beaten*
Gaff: Dude? THIS IS TITS!
As a final note: please bear in mind that you should never EVER be modest.
Gaff: Oh yeah. I KNOW THIS SMELL!
Nett: What smell is that? *skeptical*
Gaff: The smell of "SHIT YEAH, I AM THE SHIT!"
The Ultimate Rules for Cooking for Christmas
With Gaff & Nett
First off, you need to not start cooking your over complicated meals until around quarter to midnight on Christmas Eve. When you realise you are:
a) about to be delirious & crazy
b) going to have to get up super early in the morning to prepare breakfast
& c) have atleast four hours of cooking to do and a quarter of an hour to do it before parental units will attempt sleep.
Then you need some seriously awesome funk-styling tunes. If you have hashed out your super fabulous lounge-singers-of-the-50s-do-christmas-carols album during Christmas Eve and you need to use it during dinner the next day, then choose something dancy and electronica. We chose Pendulum's Hold Your Colour, but anything by Paul Oekenfold, Payl Van Dyk or the Prodigy will also do nicely. If in doubt try Aphex Twin -- the not freakish albums.
With your music ready, and delirium for fatigue setting in, you are ready to cook food in preparation for an evening meal for nine guests on Christmas day.
Remember to accept random guests who call at odd hours on mobile phones because all the pubs shut at midnight and thusly they are bored. But be sure to tell them to SIT QUIETLY in the corner and OBSERVE. They are not allowed to engage in witty banter, nor are they allowed to regale the group with coherent conversational stylings. Their job is to sit and be impressed by the cooking, and not wake up the parentals. THAT IS THEIR ONLY JOB! ONE WEEK!
Keep in mind, there must be witty rapport between the cooks, or between chef and assistant:
Gaff: *puts Slam by Pendulum on & begins portioning cream cheese*
Nett: Dude, I'm sure this HAS already been put in a soundtrack
*stirs eggs & milk over water thoughtfully*
Gaff: Well maybe they just sampled this bit from another song
*wraps up final amounts of cream cheese and shakes the unused bit in Nett's face*
Nett: No, seriously man, just about now there are men coming around the corner wearing black trenchies that blow in the wind, and or black sunnies.
Gaff: *chuckles and sets up the beater*
Nett: Possibly they're ninjas.
Gaff&Nett: Mmmmmm. Ninjas.
Gaff: Now.. wait for it... *pause* Now everything just goes SHIT CRAZY
Gaff&Nett: *dance hard core whilst engaging in Stirrination™ and Beatxoring™*
Nett: OOoooooh. Nope wait.
Gaff&Nett: *pause mid-motion*
Nett: And... BULLET TIME!
Gaff&Nett: *stir & beat in slo mo*
Gaff: CRAZY FINAL BEAT DOWN!
Water under Egg-&-Milk-Bowl: *boils*
Gaff&Nett: *dance hard core*
Nett's Booty: *is shaken*
Gaff's Free Arm: *is waved wildly*
Cream Cheese: *is thoroughly beaten*
Gaff: Dude? THIS IS TITS!
As a final note: please bear in mind that you should never EVER be modest.
Gaff: Oh yeah. I KNOW THIS SMELL!
Nett: What smell is that? *skeptical*
Gaff: The smell of "SHIT YEAH, I AM THE SHIT!"