(no subject)
I am writing this more for mental venting. And honestly am not projecting any of this on one specific person. Especially when it is not one specific person.
I started this week hoping, as I do everyday for a great week. Nothing fantastic is necessary. And yet I cant even get good.
An hour ago I had a fight with my father. In which we spoke on a few subjects. But the main reason for the argument was due to what he referred to my lack of self-confidence and self esteem. And what I thought I’d receive from this conversation is what I usually get. Do better, you’re a great girl, your smart, beautiful, and you don’t need to do yada-yada-yada. The usual. And instead I received an apology. An apology for someone he cannot control, and an apology from him. He wanted to tell me he was sorry because it was about ten years ago I started to lose my self-esteem. And it was also 10 years ago my parents and me really started fighting a lot. He said it seemed with ever fight I seemed to lower myself until there was almost nothing left. And last year when I finally confronted him about hating life, not knowing any reason for living, and not having anything to live for, he said I hit rock bottom and he didn’t know what to do. It has almost been a year since I confronted him, and we both know things have improved. But what’s odd is I don’t know about the reason I’ve lot my self esteem and confidence, but I know I have and I know he’s right. I know this because the reason this week has been so crapy is because I’ve been dealing with self-esteem problems.
Thursday I fought with Winston because his ex-girlfriend decided to drop in and talk and hang out with him. I didn’t like it at all, for one because it was an odd situation that was unexpected. And two because well frankly I don’t get a very good vibe from her. I wish I could explain it further, but I am usually a good reader of people. I am very trusting and open, whether its something I am ashamed of or not I put myself out there because I rather be openly criticized and know what I am than to have to rumored and whispered about. So when I say someone is just wrong, it is usually because they are to fake. There is something they are not truthful about and they act a certain way and you know everything they say is either a lie, or just merely irregular. Life has patterns and well I am learning the patterns in my life. To make a long story short, she got the idea after a while I didn’t like it and left. And if she had any doubt Winston told her I didn’t like her.
Friday was supposed to be better. After all it’s the last day of the week. But it wasn’t. I had orals and that kept me pretty centered most the day and grounded on one specific thing. To start off I hear Winston and Becca making a “date.” And I know his term of dating is completely social. Where as “going out” is something intimate and you do with your girlfriend. Unfortunately this is a little or rather completely different from what other people see. And well frankly I could care less about what people say. It is well I don’t know. The thing is we battle, battle, battle about not having enough time for each other. And how he loves me but him being a senior he has lots of priorities and he doesn’t want to sell me short. Which is why he can’t talk on the phone. Which is why he can’t come over. Which is why I cant come over. Which is why we only see each other in the mornings for a few minuets, at lunch, and after school. And through out all those times we don’t really talk. We are either fooling around or joking. Or we are releasing aggressive tension with foam noodles by waking each other with them. Its well it’s interesting. And its fun. But I rather talk. I rather get to know someone. And hang out. Or just lie there relaxing. I don’t have to be doing something all the time. Especially if it’s someone I love. Sometimes I just want to sit there and soak in the sun thinking about things. Know that he’s right there next to everything and me is merry because there are no worries. Instead though today was uncomfortable because I couldn’t shake the question, why if he has no time, cant we hang out? Even when he latter told me he canceled with Becca, I felt as if I were the first wife who was put out to pasture once a fresher cow came along. And hes told me he is close with his friends. He likes to have different varieties. But what am I?
I look at things now and see that, well, maybe it is my confidence. Maybe I have grown with a lack of it for so long I built this ideal relationship in my head of this symbolic, ultra dependant, affectionate love that was never ending. And with my last relationship I had that for a while. But as quick as I had it I lost it quicker. And I’ve been told not to compare. But with this relationship it seemed so solid for a while. We loved each other. There were no pretty words needed. And the words did not have to be spoken all the time. But something’s changing. I can’t get a hold of it. But it feels like he doesn’t love me anymore. Who knows anymore? I don’t know what to do, what to say, who to be. I don’t. I’ve hit that hard place again. And I need to build up. What’s good is I know who I am this time. And I know that although things aren’t perfect I am here. And I do make some impact in life. I am of some significance, even if I don’t know what it is.
Sad huh…how pathetic I a be at times.
Who is this to? I don’t know…..
I started this week hoping, as I do everyday for a great week. Nothing fantastic is necessary. And yet I cant even get good.
An hour ago I had a fight with my father. In which we spoke on a few subjects. But the main reason for the argument was due to what he referred to my lack of self-confidence and self esteem. And what I thought I’d receive from this conversation is what I usually get. Do better, you’re a great girl, your smart, beautiful, and you don’t need to do yada-yada-yada. The usual. And instead I received an apology. An apology for someone he cannot control, and an apology from him. He wanted to tell me he was sorry because it was about ten years ago I started to lose my self-esteem. And it was also 10 years ago my parents and me really started fighting a lot. He said it seemed with ever fight I seemed to lower myself until there was almost nothing left. And last year when I finally confronted him about hating life, not knowing any reason for living, and not having anything to live for, he said I hit rock bottom and he didn’t know what to do. It has almost been a year since I confronted him, and we both know things have improved. But what’s odd is I don’t know about the reason I’ve lot my self esteem and confidence, but I know I have and I know he’s right. I know this because the reason this week has been so crapy is because I’ve been dealing with self-esteem problems.
Thursday I fought with Winston because his ex-girlfriend decided to drop in and talk and hang out with him. I didn’t like it at all, for one because it was an odd situation that was unexpected. And two because well frankly I don’t get a very good vibe from her. I wish I could explain it further, but I am usually a good reader of people. I am very trusting and open, whether its something I am ashamed of or not I put myself out there because I rather be openly criticized and know what I am than to have to rumored and whispered about. So when I say someone is just wrong, it is usually because they are to fake. There is something they are not truthful about and they act a certain way and you know everything they say is either a lie, or just merely irregular. Life has patterns and well I am learning the patterns in my life. To make a long story short, she got the idea after a while I didn’t like it and left. And if she had any doubt Winston told her I didn’t like her.
Friday was supposed to be better. After all it’s the last day of the week. But it wasn’t. I had orals and that kept me pretty centered most the day and grounded on one specific thing. To start off I hear Winston and Becca making a “date.” And I know his term of dating is completely social. Where as “going out” is something intimate and you do with your girlfriend. Unfortunately this is a little or rather completely different from what other people see. And well frankly I could care less about what people say. It is well I don’t know. The thing is we battle, battle, battle about not having enough time for each other. And how he loves me but him being a senior he has lots of priorities and he doesn’t want to sell me short. Which is why he can’t talk on the phone. Which is why he can’t come over. Which is why I cant come over. Which is why we only see each other in the mornings for a few minuets, at lunch, and after school. And through out all those times we don’t really talk. We are either fooling around or joking. Or we are releasing aggressive tension with foam noodles by waking each other with them. Its well it’s interesting. And its fun. But I rather talk. I rather get to know someone. And hang out. Or just lie there relaxing. I don’t have to be doing something all the time. Especially if it’s someone I love. Sometimes I just want to sit there and soak in the sun thinking about things. Know that he’s right there next to everything and me is merry because there are no worries. Instead though today was uncomfortable because I couldn’t shake the question, why if he has no time, cant we hang out? Even when he latter told me he canceled with Becca, I felt as if I were the first wife who was put out to pasture once a fresher cow came along. And hes told me he is close with his friends. He likes to have different varieties. But what am I?
I look at things now and see that, well, maybe it is my confidence. Maybe I have grown with a lack of it for so long I built this ideal relationship in my head of this symbolic, ultra dependant, affectionate love that was never ending. And with my last relationship I had that for a while. But as quick as I had it I lost it quicker. And I’ve been told not to compare. But with this relationship it seemed so solid for a while. We loved each other. There were no pretty words needed. And the words did not have to be spoken all the time. But something’s changing. I can’t get a hold of it. But it feels like he doesn’t love me anymore. Who knows anymore? I don’t know what to do, what to say, who to be. I don’t. I’ve hit that hard place again. And I need to build up. What’s good is I know who I am this time. And I know that although things aren’t perfect I am here. And I do make some impact in life. I am of some significance, even if I don’t know what it is.
Sad huh…how pathetic I a be at times.
Who is this to? I don’t know…..