|Eat My Shorts|
hello life. and hello death. in a little more then a week i will be turning the sweet number of 16 and all i have to show for it is an empty room. its funny really when you look at life.
yesterday i was cleaning my room and i found a pair of old shorts, sounds discusting i know but these are special shorts. meaningful shorts. i got them in 8th grade on a field trip to ft lauderdale beach. it was so much fun because me and brittney didn't have bathingsuits and decided to buy shorts from a local beach bum store and go swimming in that. that day i was free. i was out wit friends. without the worry or parents, without the worry of school. my boyfriend, joel was at a restraunt with ronnie ordering as many pizzas as they could afford in the time frame. gina and brit were picking up guys who were probably high school drop outs and i ran the fastest race and won. somewhere in the time frame we managed to strip down in an alley way and change clothes, play hacky sack and break up with my boyfriend. in spite it all though it is one of the highlights of my life. i was so compleatly exhausted from the beach i fell asleep next to my boyfriend who was cheating on me for 2 out of the 4 months we were dating. oh the little school dramas use to amuse me.
i have a few days remaining before my birthday and all i can think about are those few days of absolute bliss. the first time i had sex. my first dance preformance. my first overnight trip. so many little moments. and i have to wonder. why is it there are only little moments. little pin pricks of true happiness in my life while the rest of my life i spend hating it. and i guess it is the hatred that builds up so high that makes those moments so wonderful when they do come. those moments when you stop. stop the entire world and realize everything makes up the grain of wood in the tree. very few people are my actual friends currently. those who i haven't pushed away i see only through passing. and those who stick around never see the truth in me nor do they want to. i am reaching a new truth. one for myself and only for myself. i'm going to find more happiness. i'm going to find more life. more hope. i am in love with a brilliant man and yet i cant aproch him because those moments of happiness have slipped beyond my fingers. i hate being emo as much as i hate being around those who are emo. i hate living life through a glass window and never reaching out to toouch the air. i dont know what its going to take to finally grab hold of my life and be able to live it but i'm hopeing i'll do it. i'm hopeing those that i do have around me will understand what all has been going on in my life. i'm hopeing those who care will stay and i'm hopeing i see some of those who i care about if i leave.
yesterday i was cleaning my room and i found a pair of old shorts, sounds discusting i know but these are special shorts. meaningful shorts. i got them in 8th grade on a field trip to ft lauderdale beach. it was so much fun because me and brittney didn't have bathingsuits and decided to buy shorts from a local beach bum store and go swimming in that. that day i was free. i was out wit friends. without the worry or parents, without the worry of school. my boyfriend, joel was at a restraunt with ronnie ordering as many pizzas as they could afford in the time frame. gina and brit were picking up guys who were probably high school drop outs and i ran the fastest race and won. somewhere in the time frame we managed to strip down in an alley way and change clothes, play hacky sack and break up with my boyfriend. in spite it all though it is one of the highlights of my life. i was so compleatly exhausted from the beach i fell asleep next to my boyfriend who was cheating on me for 2 out of the 4 months we were dating. oh the little school dramas use to amuse me.
i have a few days remaining before my birthday and all i can think about are those few days of absolute bliss. the first time i had sex. my first dance preformance. my first overnight trip. so many little moments. and i have to wonder. why is it there are only little moments. little pin pricks of true happiness in my life while the rest of my life i spend hating it. and i guess it is the hatred that builds up so high that makes those moments so wonderful when they do come. those moments when you stop. stop the entire world and realize everything makes up the grain of wood in the tree. very few people are my actual friends currently. those who i haven't pushed away i see only through passing. and those who stick around never see the truth in me nor do they want to. i am reaching a new truth. one for myself and only for myself. i'm going to find more happiness. i'm going to find more life. more hope. i am in love with a brilliant man and yet i cant aproch him because those moments of happiness have slipped beyond my fingers. i hate being emo as much as i hate being around those who are emo. i hate living life through a glass window and never reaching out to toouch the air. i dont know what its going to take to finally grab hold of my life and be able to live it but i'm hopeing i'll do it. i'm hopeing those that i do have around me will understand what all has been going on in my life. i'm hopeing those who care will stay and i'm hopeing i see some of those who i care about if i leave.