(no subject)
What is it about some people; an essence about them that just takes peoples breath away. Were the rest of us have to strive to just hold on to what we have and strive to keep a steady pace. Welcome to the norm, huh. I’ve been branded. Not as worth as to even keep. What is it even about? Long hair and a thin figure. So I’m not thin. When I sit I can feel my fat rolls under my clothes. So I don’t have the long flowing hair. What I have suits me. And it is what makes me, well me. I use to define it by the company I kept. Or the close I wore. But I don’t even see that anymore. My friends are limited to a rare few I see once in a blue moon or when projects are due and grades are on the line. My style is restricted because of my home life. And what I can wear is a sloppy mess that gives me the figure of a square and an ass of a balloon…. or some would tell me. And yes I’m needy and dependent and I’m not as pretty. But why cant I be one of those people. Why cant I hold onto what is ultimately mine and keep it that way. Why is it a constant struggle to do more? I try to run my whole life and live it. Why can’t that really be enough? Why cant I sit and talk and feel like I’m listened to. Why can’t I be happy? I think I cause this upon myself at times. I bring it out on people. I make them want more. I make them feel better and I leave myself behind. And I’ve done it again. I’ve left myself. And I’ve done a shitty job of it this time because the only one to pick up the pieces this time is myself. I have ultimately killed myself. And I think I will only continue. It’s a disease. Those around me grow and soon become discussed at me. And little by little they break away. They run off. They tell me to move out. They find someone else. It’s inevitable. I am a waste of humanity. A plague that well I don’t know. Maybe I’m over sensitive at the moment. Maybe my feelings are just. And I am finally noticing them. And then again the only reason I’m ranting is because I know you come here sometimes and read these damn things where as no one else does. And well maybe this is my attempt to tell you how hurt I am at the moment without telling you. Maybe this is my lame attempt to reach out. Because its not just you. It’s everything. My inability to function at home. My inability to succeed in school. My inability to please you and everyone else. Maybe moving with rod isn’t what I need. But more moving away. Far away. Places where no one knows me. Places where I can curl up in a corner and not get yelled at for doing so. A place where I’m not a hindrance anymore. And I can allow others to move on and be happier. Happier in all senses. So mothers have less stress. So fathers don’t worry their daughters are pregnant. So sisters don’t have a shadow to grow up in. so friends don’t get caught up. And so boyfriends can be truly happy. I’d like to say I can grow as well, but this is I. It always has been and always will be. There is no more and no less. And there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is lay down and wish someday I’d find it again.