(no subject)
It's impossible to say anything outright about how I'm really feeling right now.
But, trying to focus on the positive, a few good things are soon to come.
Tomorrow is the last day of finals, but I'm so sick of caring about my fucking grades. Seriously, WHO CARES? I'd just like to know what effect a B vs. an A vs. a C will have on my life? Wherever I end up is where I'll end up regardless, and I'm sick of studying pointless material when I could be doing something that actually interests me like writing or reading or watching a movie or even THINKING. I can't stand the fact that I'm supposed to do all this shit that means absolutely nothing to me. I want everything I do to mean something to me, because in the end that's the only thing that I'll remember before I die.
Anyways, I'm going up to UCLA on Thursday and Friday with Anaya, staying with Vickie in her dorm. Extremely excited. But meanwhile I can't get my mind off of other things. Just tonight. Tomorrow things will be better but tomorrow feels so far away right now. I'm still bitter and upset and wanting to return to that place in my mind where I can be okay with things. I'm bitter at life for treating me this way right now, but I'm angry at myself for thinking that I'm getting a rough deal, because I'm not. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I hate writing about it. One day maybe I can write about real things, about real relationships. But relationships are ridiculous and so difficult. I don't know. Maybe one day I'll be able to get enough sleep and be productive and finish everything that I start. Maybe I'll stop being so self indulgent and start thinking about other people for a change. I don't know. Or maybe I'll be able to scrounge up some ambition or some kind of worth. Though really, I doubt it. I'm going to fail both my finals tomorrow because I spent all day wasting my life with people who barely give a shit about me in the first place. Sometimes I feel that way and then I feel guilty for thinking that, but then again it's probably true. It's nice to pretend that everything is okay when it's not. I'm really good at that. I just want to live through tomorrow and then get on with my life.
But, trying to focus on the positive, a few good things are soon to come.
Tomorrow is the last day of finals, but I'm so sick of caring about my fucking grades. Seriously, WHO CARES? I'd just like to know what effect a B vs. an A vs. a C will have on my life? Wherever I end up is where I'll end up regardless, and I'm sick of studying pointless material when I could be doing something that actually interests me like writing or reading or watching a movie or even THINKING. I can't stand the fact that I'm supposed to do all this shit that means absolutely nothing to me. I want everything I do to mean something to me, because in the end that's the only thing that I'll remember before I die.
Anyways, I'm going up to UCLA on Thursday and Friday with Anaya, staying with Vickie in her dorm. Extremely excited. But meanwhile I can't get my mind off of other things. Just tonight. Tomorrow things will be better but tomorrow feels so far away right now. I'm still bitter and upset and wanting to return to that place in my mind where I can be okay with things. I'm bitter at life for treating me this way right now, but I'm angry at myself for thinking that I'm getting a rough deal, because I'm not. I hate feeling sorry for myself and I hate writing about it. One day maybe I can write about real things, about real relationships. But relationships are ridiculous and so difficult. I don't know. Maybe one day I'll be able to get enough sleep and be productive and finish everything that I start. Maybe I'll stop being so self indulgent and start thinking about other people for a change. I don't know. Or maybe I'll be able to scrounge up some ambition or some kind of worth. Though really, I doubt it. I'm going to fail both my finals tomorrow because I spent all day wasting my life with people who barely give a shit about me in the first place. Sometimes I feel that way and then I feel guilty for thinking that, but then again it's probably true. It's nice to pretend that everything is okay when it's not. I'm really good at that. I just want to live through tomorrow and then get on with my life.