(no subject)
So...it's never good to be down right utterly DEPRESSED right before Christmas. Yeah I'm your Christmas Angel---here to spread anger and self-loath.
I feel completely worthless. Like a pathetic excuse for a human. My roommate just took her real-estate exam and passed (congrats!) and she's making a shit load of money working at Cingular...and things are just going ever so smooth with her...and I'm happy for her. And Austin just got his raise and a huge bonus...and he's banking like nobodies business...and he's in school for welding...and I'm also happy for him.
but where am I? I'm the pathetic loser that works at a hotel for shit pay...who was promised a raise 6months ago and still haven't got it....I also have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life...I drive a minivan b/c I can't afford to get another car. I can't afford to do ANYTHING I want to do...I am just miserable. And I know it's terrible to be jealous of my boyfriend and my roommate, but I can't help it. Its like we were all on these conveyor belts and we were all at the same speed...and then all the sudden theirs kicks into high gear and mine just keeps trucking along on==struggling.
I feel like I'm not good enough....like I will never have that happen to me b/c I'm just not meant to lead a life without struggling with money or something. It's almost like I'm destined to be poor. all bc I'm indecisive. I dont know what I want to do with my life...and even if I wanted to go back to school...I dont have the chance b/c I have to work full time(40+ hrs a week) and I couldn't do that and work at the hotel...and I just
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Then it doesn't help when you're at work and everyone has pretty much decided where we are going to order food from and the fucking maintenance guy decides he doesn't want what we picked...and wanted Arby's instead...so everyone goes for Arbys---and I just had it yesterday so I didn't want it and I just said "hey that's cool---yall go get arby's I'll just eat when i get off." and Rueben (maintenance ass) said, "You could probably skip a few meals anyway---wouldn't hurt ya." and patted my stomach. Then of course---i had to go POSTAL---but it didn't phase him---he decides it's even more fun to terrorize me and make me cry.
I WANT TO QUIT MY LIFE AND START OVER. where's the reset button?
I feel completely worthless. Like a pathetic excuse for a human. My roommate just took her real-estate exam and passed (congrats!) and she's making a shit load of money working at Cingular...and things are just going ever so smooth with her...and I'm happy for her. And Austin just got his raise and a huge bonus...and he's banking like nobodies business...and he's in school for welding...and I'm also happy for him.
but where am I? I'm the pathetic loser that works at a hotel for shit pay...who was promised a raise 6months ago and still haven't got it....I also have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life...I drive a minivan b/c I can't afford to get another car. I can't afford to do ANYTHING I want to do...I am just miserable. And I know it's terrible to be jealous of my boyfriend and my roommate, but I can't help it. Its like we were all on these conveyor belts and we were all at the same speed...and then all the sudden theirs kicks into high gear and mine just keeps trucking along on==struggling.
I feel like I'm not good enough....like I will never have that happen to me b/c I'm just not meant to lead a life without struggling with money or something. It's almost like I'm destined to be poor. all bc I'm indecisive. I dont know what I want to do with my life...and even if I wanted to go back to school...I dont have the chance b/c I have to work full time(40+ hrs a week) and I couldn't do that and work at the hotel...and I just
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Then it doesn't help when you're at work and everyone has pretty much decided where we are going to order food from and the fucking maintenance guy decides he doesn't want what we picked...and wanted Arby's instead...so everyone goes for Arbys---and I just had it yesterday so I didn't want it and I just said "hey that's cool---yall go get arby's I'll just eat when i get off." and Rueben (maintenance ass) said, "You could probably skip a few meals anyway---wouldn't hurt ya." and patted my stomach. Then of course---i had to go POSTAL---but it didn't phase him---he decides it's even more fun to terrorize me and make me cry.
I WANT TO QUIT MY LIFE AND START OVER. where's the reset button?