(no subject)

[bomedeeville]

the time has finally fucking come. i cant back down...i cant keep doing this to him/me. i finally have to stand my ground. i feel...like the dirtiest most disgusting, most uncompassionate, most awful person...ever to grace the face of this earth. and somehow, my task has to be to overcome that, and withold myself with the tiny little mental idea that i have to stay true to myself. this is quite possibly the hardest thing ive ever had to do. all the childish words, the guilt, the misunderstanding, the motherfucking livejournal entries...i wish it would all just go away. because if it doesnt...im just going to cave again the second i feel like i miss him. of course im going to feel that...this isnt easy for me either. i can see the way this is going to go. everyone will cry for him, hug him, and tell him im the bitch, i dont deserve him, blah blah FUCKING blah. and of course, ill be the bad guy. but i guess thats just the way it is. laugh on the phone? i dont care? well, fuck you. i dont know how the fuck to deal with this either. i just want everything as smooth as possible, but obviously, thats way too much to ask. you told me you wanted me to be happy...you told me not to lie and say i love you. im not blind. i can see that you loved me, and cared about me, and would support me until the day i fucking die. i already fucking know that. im not an idiot...everyone...ok? nothing is ever thrown away forever...if this is somehow meant to be, it will be. how the fuck...are we gonna get through this weekend. we shouldnt have fucking got together. its not right...not now. what a horrible fucking mistake. so im ready...bring on the guilt, bring on the insults, tell me im a selfish horrible bitch who doesnt know a good thing when she has one. the tears. all of you. im ready. i'll go this battle alone. i'll fucking fight you all. i have no support anyway. suck it up leah, nothings gonna change, because im just destroying the "perfect" fucking love. nothing will ever be the same. youre sick of being dicked around? well, for that, im sorry. i AM a fuck up...i CANT get my mind straight...and worst of all...i dont fucking have the heart to hurt you. but i know itll hurt even more after 9 more months of living a lie. three little false fucking words. i cant let this ruin me. gods sake, i dont even know what im writing. write another livejournal entry, with everything youd like to say to me before i walk out of your life forever. i promised you id never do that. will you walk out of my life forever? threatening to do something drastic for the silly little attention grab you need? how fucking immature. whatever. im sorry. just punch me across the face. youll convince everyone i deserve it. i hoped so much we could just end on a friendly note. high hopes. high...fucking...hopes. i cant seem to escape my biggest fear. so fuck it, ill suck its face head on. what a fool i was...hoping we could stay friends, hoping youd realize that this is for the best. i guess you thought wed be together forever. i guess you never thought youd have to deal with this. high hopes...again. it seems to be those goddamn high hopes that kill us all. yet, its hope that pulls us out of the deepest, thickest mud.

i wont do anything to spite you. ill never leave your life. ill keep everything i promised. i will help you. i will be compassionate. you can hate me forever. its ok*hug*. all this will be different someday...