(no subject)
im once again subject to deletion. from the person i would (and do) do everything and anything for. deleted so everyone can forget that you love me. deleted so that females can forget that you love me, i assume. wow. nothing says "i love you" more than a gesture like that. tonight i wouldnt speak to you for 15 minutes. we sat in the dark, nothing said. when i left i was so filled with emotion i dont even remember if you said "i love you too". im hurt. crushed. a whole year of this. a whole year of trying to get you to express your love. asking why my pictures arent up anywhere. asking why im not mentioned in your profiles. i left your house pissed off. i slammed the door so hard i shook the entire apartment. i peeled out of the parking lot. 2 minutes later i was sobbing my eyes out. emotional wreck that i am. i drove home desperate for a ciggarette. no money. finally im able to bum a few. i smoke them like theres no tomorrow. that stopped the tears. home now. what do i do? eat? no too upset to eat. drink? yes, i think i shall. so here i sit. drinking by myself. maybe if i drink enough youll appologize for hurting me again. maybe at the bottom of this bottle theres an answer. i was so upset tonight i even contemplated washing a bunch of pills down with my alcohol, oh dear friend of mine. would you love me more then? what is wrong with me? why cant you love me? am i not fun enough? do i not do enough stuff for you? am i not pretty enough? foolish foolish girl. dont you see? its not his fault daddy doesnt care. but it is his fault that he is the way he is. the last four nights ive had dreams that he was talking to her again. a lot. like they could be getting back together. i had a dream that he sent her a mushy e-card and all i could complain about was that he didnt do that stuff for me. i dont know what to do anymore. i almost left his ring on the counter at his house. he doesnt understand me. silly silly girl you keep living in the past. but it doesnt help that the past is thrown in my face all the time:
+ BeanLvrBoy for a screen name...he never made one for me
+ "Hi elyse hi hi...muh suga cookie"....deleted
+ she has your new cell number WHICH YOU WOULDNT HAVE IF IT WASNT UNDER MY NAME
+ she calls you, IMs you
in the words of my dearest friend ever jessamine "i dont know what to do!! i dont know what to do!!". im not emotionally stable. im a mess. thank you daddy. thank you rick. i just want a guy that i love to love me back. and to show it to the world. and to me for that matter. instead im here. thanking seagrams and pucker and buttershots. yes, mixing liqour is lovely.
im off to find the end of my bottles....