(no subject)
Im updating even though I don't have anything to say. I don't guess that's such a good idea since I won't know what to talk about. Anyway...
It's been quite a week, and I don't know why i say that. Nothing too exciting happened. I got to hang out a few times which was nice... and got some pills from Rachel which is also nice. I like having them around for when I need/want to take some. Just kind of a comfort thing I suppose.
I'm listening to Black Flag right now, some CD's that Andrew burned for me. Right now it's on the title track 'slip it in', guess what that's about. It seems to be pretty cool, I really like some of their music and really can't get into the other stuff. Rollins is like one of my role models though so I respect his work if nothing else.
So Christmas is coming up, and the deadlines for a lot of obligations I've made that I'm not going to be able to keep. I owe a lot of money, not to a bank or anything, just to everyone I associate with. I borrow all the time and it sucks. The thing is if I didn't have handouts I wouldn't be alive. I have to eat at home most of the time on my parents food, and even when I go out it's rare I have the money for something to eat or enough to chip in to whatever the gang is planning on doing. Even if I do have the money... it's cash that I borrowed or got as a handout from my saint of a mother. Life kinda sucks, if I weren't around such good people I think I'd do myself in or some shit. I'm nowhere near suicidal though, not for a long time now. I guess that's a good thing.
I've pretty much been staying under the influence of one thing or another... going on about 3 weeks now. I know it's an unhealthy way to live. I just don't care too much at this point. I kinda feel the depression nipping at my heels trying to bring me down. Sometimes you just wanna forget the stuff that's happened and start fresh, but when you don't have the means to do that it just makes it harder on you. I haven't had a job since last February. I haven't had a girl in 13 months. I haven't had a lot of stuff, and I'm in the deepest rut of my life. If I could find a decent job I would take it in a second but all I'm really qualified for is unskilled labor at very low pay. If I hope to get a car I can't be stuck at a minimum wage job, part time. I need health insurance, and optical and dental insurance. You can't do that on 6 bucks. Gas alone would eat up my paycheck and I'd be in debt for the car and the insurance.
How the hell am I supposed to do something about myself when I got so much shit holding me back and down? A job a car and a girl. Really that's all I want... and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get them, except whore myself out to resturaunts and shitty retail jobs so people can yell at me for their bad days. I just wanna fuckin live! Other people got that shit, why not me? Am I jealous? You bet I am... and pissed off... and lonely.
It's been quite a week, and I don't know why i say that. Nothing too exciting happened. I got to hang out a few times which was nice... and got some pills from Rachel which is also nice. I like having them around for when I need/want to take some. Just kind of a comfort thing I suppose.
I'm listening to Black Flag right now, some CD's that Andrew burned for me. Right now it's on the title track 'slip it in', guess what that's about. It seems to be pretty cool, I really like some of their music and really can't get into the other stuff. Rollins is like one of my role models though so I respect his work if nothing else.
So Christmas is coming up, and the deadlines for a lot of obligations I've made that I'm not going to be able to keep. I owe a lot of money, not to a bank or anything, just to everyone I associate with. I borrow all the time and it sucks. The thing is if I didn't have handouts I wouldn't be alive. I have to eat at home most of the time on my parents food, and even when I go out it's rare I have the money for something to eat or enough to chip in to whatever the gang is planning on doing. Even if I do have the money... it's cash that I borrowed or got as a handout from my saint of a mother. Life kinda sucks, if I weren't around such good people I think I'd do myself in or some shit. I'm nowhere near suicidal though, not for a long time now. I guess that's a good thing.
I've pretty much been staying under the influence of one thing or another... going on about 3 weeks now. I know it's an unhealthy way to live. I just don't care too much at this point. I kinda feel the depression nipping at my heels trying to bring me down. Sometimes you just wanna forget the stuff that's happened and start fresh, but when you don't have the means to do that it just makes it harder on you. I haven't had a job since last February. I haven't had a girl in 13 months. I haven't had a lot of stuff, and I'm in the deepest rut of my life. If I could find a decent job I would take it in a second but all I'm really qualified for is unskilled labor at very low pay. If I hope to get a car I can't be stuck at a minimum wage job, part time. I need health insurance, and optical and dental insurance. You can't do that on 6 bucks. Gas alone would eat up my paycheck and I'd be in debt for the car and the insurance.
How the hell am I supposed to do something about myself when I got so much shit holding me back and down? A job a car and a girl. Really that's all I want... and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get them, except whore myself out to resturaunts and shitty retail jobs so people can yell at me for their bad days. I just wanna fuckin live! Other people got that shit, why not me? Am I jealous? You bet I am... and pissed off... and lonely.