Insomnia? Cure it with blogging!
So, um, yes.
It is about half one in the morning (technically now nearly 2 because I got distracted) and I am feeling awful! I've not been myself for a couple of days, all over the place with emotions. One minute I'm all happy and bouncy, the next I am so depressed I just cry to myself for absolutely no reason at all.
There are lots of things that could probably be the cause of such erratic behavior, the problem is being able to explain it to someone who asks "what's wrong?"
I went "home" for a few days at the end of last week, and by home I mean I went back to mum's, as I have been living in my own home for nearly 4 months. It was nice for a while but then I got fed up. I don't have my own space there anymore, nothing there (apart from some crap in my old wardrobe) belongs to me. My parents are in Egypt, it's my dad's 50th birthday at the end of the week and mum took him on holiday so I went to see my nan, who is looking after my two younger brothers. I did enjoy spending time with her but I felt like I didn't belong there and it got on my nerves. Moving out has been a completely new experience and when I finish uni in April '12, fuck knows what I'm going to do then. Anyway I'm getting a bit off track here. What I'm trying to say is on the 3 hour journey back to Lincoln from "home", I got seriously depressed.
I had a text the morning I was travelling home, from one of my house mates, telling me she had some bad news for me. I wasn't sure whether something of mine had been broken or worse. It was worse, of course, it always is. My oldest fish had died. Now I know that some people will think I'm silly for being attached to a fish, but I seriously consider them as my pets and I'd had Marvin for about 3 years. The poor old thing died while I was away and it was upsetting.
I also have serious money worries at the moment. I am unemployed (not through choice!) and everything has completely dried up now. I told myself that I would never get an overdraft from the bank, but I am going to have to and I think that may be part of my worry. Student finance does not cover my rent, I get just over £3k for the year and my rent is £3,700ish. I managed to pay the first lot as I had saved some money over summer and I had a job around August time. I keep having to not go out when all my friends are out, I have to miss out on parties, birthdays and general social time because I can't afford to go blowing it on alcohol and meals out. I suppose that is partly why I feel a little depressed. I requested my P45 from my previous job but the fucker hasn't come through yet and thus I can't claim back to £300ish that I was taxed (wrongly!) that would be a big help at the moment.
On top of everything else, there's uni. I love journalism, it's all I have ever wanted to do in life and I adore writing. The only problem with doing a journalism course is that you have to do all the other shit that you don't particularly enjoy. I chose online journalism and print as my main choices to study this year, but they're group work. I HATE group work, especially in journalism as it's always so frakkin bitchy. (The only other options were from a choice a three theory modules, radio and tv journalism, and I didn't enjoy any of them!) There's also my dissertation to think about. Everyone seems to have started theirs (I have, but not in great detail) and it's got me panicking about what the hell I should be doing. I will be having a meeting with my tutor at some point, but possibly when I feel a little better than I do now, otherwise I might just end up breaking down in front of him. Three years for this degree is pointless. I hated most of last year (despite getting nearly a first in it) and this year is basically just a repeat on last year. Eugh.
It is my birthday next month, another year older - lucky me! I'll be turning 22. An interesting age to write down but not so great when you realise you have to start acting your age. Twenty two.. it doesn't feel like yesterday I was finishing school and starting my life. Can I go back for a while? Saying that, I do love my life. Most of the time. When I moved in to my own house it was absolutely fantastic. I love this place and I wouldn't change it for the world but sometimes you just feel like everything is crap, even though there are plenty of people more worse off than you. And I do feel like crap.
I have also discovered that I need my friends more than I ever realised. When they're not there, I am utterly at a loss. I have a very small group of friends that I need to look after me. There's my three housemates, and Paul. Paul and I have been friends for about 5 years (possibly 6) and we still haven't met in person. That doesn't bother me in the slightest because I would happily call him my absolute best friend. No matter what happens, he is always there for me and I love him very much. This week he's been spending time with his girlfriend and she hates my guts. I can't even begin to explain why because it's far too complicated and utterly unnecessary but she's flippin' crazy, so that's enough of an explanation. Anyway, he's my rock (that's a really funny description) he's my... nope, I can't think of a suitable way to describe our relationship, but you get the idea.
This is a very long winded and dull post, I think I should stop now and maybe try to get some sleep as it IS nearly 3am and I have a lecture tomorrow. The likelihood is that I will have to do an all nighter and end up looking like something the cat dragged in tomorrow. But hey-ho, that's life.
Good night x