Joyous Day
so i rode my bike to the mall tonight and well it was cold and i had almost forgotten what it ws like riding to the mall... anyways i get there and lock my bike to the only bike rake there which is by one of the rear macy's enterences and walking into the mall...the first thing i do i go get coffee (yup coffee) so i got in line at Starbucks hoping that my guy was working tonight but guess what he wasn't... so i was like oh well i'm going to schuelers for coffee then they have a card that i can work towards a free coffee and they make my coffee alot better but don't tell the guy from starbucks that... he's really the only reason why i go to starbucks.
then i was walking around the mall like a chicken with it's head cut off because i didn't know what i wanted to do... Robert was working but i couldn't bring myself to walk into Hollister (spelling idk) so one of the like 20 times i was walking out of schuelers which happens to be across from Hollister i seen him walking out and he was on break so we kind of talked... i don't know but i don't think i feel the same way about him idk we'll have to see if we ever do go on that date...
i keep saying/thinking that i should just give up for a bit and just not worry about it but i then i think if i give up or take a break then i'll never find anyone (yeah i know what you're going to say and you know who you are) but i keep battling this feeling of giving up (a feeling i think i'm starting to adopt from someone else) and this feeling of defiance and knowledge of the fact that there is someone out there for me. but it seems that slowly and with each new rejection my heart takes one more step to becomming irrepairable....
people wonder why i try and do everything myself and have a hard time trusting or relying on other people to get things done. Well here is the answer. I have no one I can rely on but myself. (Yeah i know people say that they are there for me) but are you.
Lets count the number of people who called me and wanted to hang out with me:
ZERO!
and don't tell me not to be dramatic because i'm not being dramatic i'm being truthful.
i wonder how many people were here for me this break even if it was just online.
lets count shall we:
one and only one and i'm gratefull that she was there:
you might ask who they were
well she knows who she is and for those who don't
it was
drum roll:
Amanda Taylor
it's nice to know that when i need a friend more then anything to hold me and give me emotional support or to hang out with to just be there they blow me off. for other people.
if i had a working car and it was mid-after noon, evening, late night, mid-night, 3am i'd drive over and be there for them... and even now if they lived in bath i would walk or ride my bike but when i'm on the edge and falling into a serious break down where suicide becomes such a real possiblity where are my friends to help me through this hard time...
i'm srry but i'm really tired and i have to get up early in the morning
and how do i respond to this
ok well you have a good night...
as tears fall down my face and i think of all the swords and daggers scattered in my room talking to the only person who is trying and helping who would be hours away
i don't care what anyone fucking thinks i don't need to grow up anymore... who the hell do you think you are to tell me this... do you even really fucking know me... do you really pay attention... i'm already grown up enough... i've been cheated out of a childhood... a male rolemodel and a father (a father that in second grade held a pillow over my head till i couldn't breathe) a father who wishes me gone (and don't say i'm sure that's not true) because he's constantly telling me that i should find another place to live. All my brother hate me (and don't say that it isn't true) because all they think about are themselves.
I have to pay for everything myself...
everything i have i've pretty much aquired for myself
the car i drive (that is out of commision) i paid for
the headgasket(that probly needs to be replace) i paid for
monthly car insurance i pay for
new clothes ~me
new books ~me
herbs, crystals, etc ~me
lunches at school ~me and for a while me, and my three younger brothers
now who the hell are you to tell me that i need to grow up or be more mature
i more mature then most people my age
i moer mature then most college students
and most grad students
college what's not covered by financial aid and what help i can get i have to pay for myself
i may only be 18 but i have so much more on my plate then most people 10 years older then me
founder and leader of the gsa at the high school trying so hard to bring more understanding and equality to my community
facing daily the slings and arrows hatred and ignorance
so tell me what you will i look forward to your responces
then i was walking around the mall like a chicken with it's head cut off because i didn't know what i wanted to do... Robert was working but i couldn't bring myself to walk into Hollister (spelling idk) so one of the like 20 times i was walking out of schuelers which happens to be across from Hollister i seen him walking out and he was on break so we kind of talked... i don't know but i don't think i feel the same way about him idk we'll have to see if we ever do go on that date...
i keep saying/thinking that i should just give up for a bit and just not worry about it but i then i think if i give up or take a break then i'll never find anyone (yeah i know what you're going to say and you know who you are) but i keep battling this feeling of giving up (a feeling i think i'm starting to adopt from someone else) and this feeling of defiance and knowledge of the fact that there is someone out there for me. but it seems that slowly and with each new rejection my heart takes one more step to becomming irrepairable....
people wonder why i try and do everything myself and have a hard time trusting or relying on other people to get things done. Well here is the answer. I have no one I can rely on but myself. (Yeah i know people say that they are there for me) but are you.
Lets count the number of people who called me and wanted to hang out with me:
ZERO!
and don't tell me not to be dramatic because i'm not being dramatic i'm being truthful.
i wonder how many people were here for me this break even if it was just online.
lets count shall we:
one and only one and i'm gratefull that she was there:
you might ask who they were
well she knows who she is and for those who don't
it was
drum roll:
Amanda Taylor
it's nice to know that when i need a friend more then anything to hold me and give me emotional support or to hang out with to just be there they blow me off. for other people.
if i had a working car and it was mid-after noon, evening, late night, mid-night, 3am i'd drive over and be there for them... and even now if they lived in bath i would walk or ride my bike but when i'm on the edge and falling into a serious break down where suicide becomes such a real possiblity where are my friends to help me through this hard time...
i'm srry but i'm really tired and i have to get up early in the morning
and how do i respond to this
ok well you have a good night...
as tears fall down my face and i think of all the swords and daggers scattered in my room talking to the only person who is trying and helping who would be hours away
i don't care what anyone fucking thinks i don't need to grow up anymore... who the hell do you think you are to tell me this... do you even really fucking know me... do you really pay attention... i'm already grown up enough... i've been cheated out of a childhood... a male rolemodel and a father (a father that in second grade held a pillow over my head till i couldn't breathe) a father who wishes me gone (and don't say i'm sure that's not true) because he's constantly telling me that i should find another place to live. All my brother hate me (and don't say that it isn't true) because all they think about are themselves.
I have to pay for everything myself...
everything i have i've pretty much aquired for myself
the car i drive (that is out of commision) i paid for
the headgasket(that probly needs to be replace) i paid for
monthly car insurance i pay for
new clothes ~me
new books ~me
herbs, crystals, etc ~me
lunches at school ~me and for a while me, and my three younger brothers
now who the hell are you to tell me that i need to grow up or be more mature
i more mature then most people my age
i moer mature then most college students
and most grad students
college what's not covered by financial aid and what help i can get i have to pay for myself
i may only be 18 but i have so much more on my plate then most people 10 years older then me
founder and leader of the gsa at the high school trying so hard to bring more understanding and equality to my community
facing daily the slings and arrows hatred and ignorance
so tell me what you will i look forward to your responces