Title: Allow Me to Exaggerate a Memory or Two
Title: Allow Me to Exaggerate a Memory or Two
Author: Boldpapermate
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Length: 3,673
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Everything through 7x12 (unfortunately).
Summary: Arizona is anything but perfect. This is Arizona’s side on the whole 7x12 thing. I suck at summaries, so just read it and you won’t be disappointed. Promise.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the sadness in this story. The characters and the storyline are all property of Shonda and ABC. If I did own it, they’d be all over each other ALL the time.
A/N: This is as always, dedicated to the two same people. The first is my wonderful beta, istillam, who fixes all the mistakes and makes this readable. The second is my best buddy in the Callie/Arizona universe savache27. This probably won’t cheer you up much beebs, but it’s a story for you anyway!
A/N2: Also, I’ve promised a sequel if people want it. But only if people want it.
Arizona Robbins wasn’t without her flaws.
Okay, granted, she never really enjoyed acknowledging or putting them on display for the whole world to see-like some sort of do-gooder and selfless Mother Teresa-she wasn’t a rebel without a cause. It was something she had a hard time doing, admitting her faults to someone other than herself. But it’s all lies and slander if anyone denied having that problem Arizona felt that people were about as willing to admit their imperfections as they were to vote Sarah Palin for President.
Sure, it could happen. But realistically speaking, it probably won’t.
Arizona had a hard time understanding how perky and upbeat and absolutely sunshine-like translated into perfect. Just because the doctors at Seattle Grace had grown so accustomed to the rain and generally cloudy demeanors didn’t mean they had the right to try to subjugate Arizona by assuming that she thought she was perfect. It was ridiculous to assume things just because she had the gall to try and be fucking uplifting and spunky. It was her personal preference to try and be happy, to try and appear to be unaffected by all the sadness in her world. Just because her world, and Calliope’s world, and every other doctors world seemed to be surrounded by darkness, that didn’t mean they all had to act like that was the only thing around to comfort them.
It wouldn’t hurt to crack open a soda-pop and tell a Lady Gaga joke every now and again. Hell, it’d probably make the people in Seattle a little less dreary if they laughed every once in awhile. Happiness doesn’t make someone perfect.
In fact, Arizona would be the first to admit she was far from perfect, she was definitely far from extraordinary, and she was so far from noble these days. She had a general unwillingness and sort of hatred for hearing Mark list some of her-apparently many-imperfections, like he was making a grand list to deliver to the “good people” police or something.
If it were another time and place, Arizona would have laughed at the idea that Mark was the one pointing out her faults. She guessed it was a sign that times were a-changing…or the world was coming to a terribly shifty end.
But, anyway, the point was that even though Arizona hated pinpointing her flaws, that didn’t mean she was without them. She happened to have quite a few-what she was hoping was a completely normal amount-attributes that weren’t perfect.
For one, she happened to tell white lies when they weren’t really needed. It was never anything major but she did do it. Like that time when she told Calliope she hated vodka because she was too old for it. The truth was that Arizona had actually drunk too much blueberry vodka one night in college and had ended up with alcohol poisoning. Now she couldn’t smell vodka without getting the urge to vomit. Or when she told Teddy that she loved that Facebook movie-truth was, she absolutely hated it. Just because it was all “highly acclaimed” didn’t mean she wanted to spend two hours in a theater watching a movie about freaking Facebook.
Arizona could also admit to being a little too prideful at times. She was headstrong, she liked to avoid issues and she abhorred rain. And, yes, she did happen to give into the green eyed little monster more often than not. She had her fair share of flaws. She was stubborn, competitive and liked being right. She gloated and sometimes held a little too much faith in her abilities. Arizona became enamored with people easily and she became disinterested with them just as easily. She had the tendency to act oblivious when things are hard because she liked living on the happy side of things.
Arizona Robbins wasn’t perfect by any means. She had a whole list of crazy flaws.
In fact, Mark was right; Arizona did have the tendency to bail. She wasn’t really sure if it was her military upbringing and the fact that they jumped from home to home every eighteen months, or if it was because she had always been taught to put discipline and morals over personal feelings.
It was true; it was Arizona’s major character flaw. She never bailed in the completely expected ways. She was always the one there when things got difficult. She always fought when it was time to fight. She was that good man in a storm. But Arizona also had the tendency to be a little selfish. She sometimes took more than what she was willing to give back.
It doesn’t matter if it’s with futures or feelings or ideals. Everyone always told her it was because she had a fear of commitment but Arizona never really agreed. It’s not that she didn’t want to commit and give all of herself to a person; it’s just that she didn’t entirely know how. She didn’t know how to want to be a mother or how to want to give up her dreams for someone else.
It sounds ridiculous, she knows, but she was that person who rose to the occasion when it mattered. Arizona was the person you could depend on when you needed to depend on someone, she was that girl. She wasn’t the girl who gave more than she had to. She wasn’t the girl who needed someone to help fix her.
She bailed in the simplest of ways. She bailed by picking her dreams and aspirations and putting herself first. She bailed by not being able to give up her vision of the future, by not trying to change.
Arizona bailed by picking Africa over Callie. Arizona bailed by not trying to talk to her when she first noticed how unhappy Callie was about the move. Arizona bailed when she chose herself over kids, her dreams over Callie’s, and when she left Callie in that airport. She bailed every time she assumed Callie was going to leave her for Mark or when she failed to give Callie the credit she deserved in their relationship.
But just because she was all of those things, that didn’t mean she was less deserving of a second chance. Perfect or not, Arizona was still human. She was a person and honestly, people were allowed to have their flaws. If there wasn’t such a thing as imperfection or mistakes in this world then nobody would have the chance to grow into something bigger, something better than what they were before.
That’s how Arizona liked to think of it. She liked to think of it as growing. Because she wasn’t perfect, but neither was Callie-or even Mark for Christ’s sake, and Callie has always forgiven Mark. Mark used to be an obnoxious man-whore, but now he was set on trading in his whore-ish ways for security and love. He was still really obnoxious though. And Callie had her flaws too. Callie allowed herself to be so caught up on the fact that so many people have left her-and Arizona hated the fact that she was now one of those people-that she failed to notice Arizona was the only one who actually came back.
Yes, Arizona was filled with her trivial imperfections and her flaws. Yes, she bailed and she screwed up. Yes, Arizona left behind the only person she has ever really, really cared about in favor of going to Africa to pursue her dreams.
But Arizona also realized it was a mistake. Arizona came back; she left behind her dreams and aspirations. Arizona chose Callie, and that had to count for something. It had to matter that Arizona was absolutely willing to try anything to get Callie back. It had to matter that Arizona had spent every night since she left Callie in that airport crying. It had to matter that Arizona wasn’t going to bail anymore.
At the end of the day, even if Arizona didn’t want to admit it, she was getting tired.
She was tired of being the person who couldn’t fully give herself to someone else. She was tired of bailing and putting herself first. It was really all Calliope’s fault. Throughout their whole relationship Arizona could feel something shifting inside, she could tell that it was more serious than anything else Arizona had ever committed to. Besides the tiny humans, that is. To be quite honest…Arizona was frightened. She was frightened that she had even entertained the idea of saying no to Africa for Callie. Her father always taught her to never take more than she could get and never give more than she had to.
So she chose Africa. At the time, Arizona had been almost certain that it was the right choice. But when she got to Malawi she had felt thoroughly devastated. It was all so weird to be sitting in the biggest thing to happen for her and know that she left behind something better. It was strange for Arizona to even come to terms with the fact that anything could be better than her own personal achievements. In the end Callie was so much better than it all and it just took Arizona to long to figure that out. That’s honestly why it took her so long to come.
Arizona wasn’t entirely sure if she could change but she wanted to try.
It just had to matter. Arizona made up her mind when she saw Callie walk into the elevator. She decided that it did matter.
---------
Before Arizona could even decide if it was a good idea, she was already slipping between the metal doors and stopping right next to Callie. Callie looked almost as surprised as Arizona felt. It was usually Arizona’s preference to be prepared for these types of things in advance. Not with speeches or anything, but with a general idea with what she wanted to say.
But Arizona didn’t plan, she didn’t prepare, she just did and before Arizona even had a chance to think about what she was going to say, words were already spilling out of her mouth.
“I bail, okay? When things get hard, I-I walk away. And maybe it’s because I grew up an army brat-we moved every eighteen months. Maybe I never learned to commit. But I’m here now, and I’m staying. Because I’m going to fight to let you know that I’m committed to this thing. I-I’m not perfect, but neither are you. And you-you wanna talk about faults? How about not being able to forgive? At some point you’re going to have to forgive me and it may as well be now because I am in love with you, Calliope. And you’re in love with me and all I’m asking for is one more chance.”
Arizona finished out of breath. It was a lot to say and it wasn’t as perfect as she would have preferred it to be, but it felt better. It felt more real because it was a little raw and all too true. This wasn’t Arizona taking her time; this wasn’t Arizona trying to woo Callie. This was Arizona putting it all out there, and she hoped to dear god that Callie could see that. She hoped that Callie would hear her plea. But most of all Arizona hoped that Callie would see that this was Arizona putting everything on the line. This moment and this speech was Arizona’s way of trying. It was Arizona’s way of letting Callie know that she was no longer giving herself excuses; that she would try to rise to every occasion. It was Arizona’s plea to be better. This was Arizona trying to just be what Callie wants, not what Callie needed.
Callie slowly turned to Arizona before speaking. “You want another chance?
Arizona smiled. Maybe she wasn’t home-free but this was the nicest conversation Arizona had had with Callie since she got back. There was no yelling, no sadness, no pain. There was hope and Arizona couldn’t help but cling to it. “Yes. More than anything, I want another chance.”
Callie blinked a couple times and Arizona could almost feel a sense of victory washing over her. She could almost feel her heart being whole again. “Today I found out that I’m pregnant, with Mark’s baby.”
Arizona felt herself freeze. It was terribly cliché to even admit, but she was almost sure she felt her whole world stop. Or maybe that was just the uneasiness of the elevator, whatever. All Arizona knew was that she felt like her world was a little unbalanced and strangely out of tilt. So much so that she almost couldn’t believe what Callie had told her.
“I’m sorry, Calliope. What did you just say?”
Callie swallowed and sighed. It was hard enough saying it the first time. Admitting to something that she had always wanted, to someone she didn’t want to admit it to. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much Callie wanted children, she still wanted Arizona. She wanted kids but she wanted them with the right person and this was all just so…not how she planned it to be.
“I’m pregnant with Mark’s baby, Arizona.”
Just as quickly as that hope appeared, Callie’s words had made it come crashing down. That was the last thing, the very last thing that she had ever expected to leave Callie’s mouth. Granted, it wasn’t all that shocking the second time around, but she was still in shock.
“How about now?” Callie asked. Arizona ignored the staleness in the air and the sound of the elevator doors opening and closing. Instead of moving or breathing she just stayed put, staring at Callie’s challenging gaze.
Shock.
Something that jars the mind or emotions as if with a violent unexpected blow.
As soon as Callie’s words started to take shape in her head and settle down into an actual statement, instead of something Arizona had just imagined, Arizona felt herself fighting to keep breathing. The smile slipped off her face and she couldn’t even exhale, let alone think, and the elevator started to feel so uncomfortably small. She was afraid to move, afraid that by doing so she would end up confirming that it was all real.
Betrayal.
To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance.
As quickly as the shock had gut-punched her, it disappeared and it let the reality of the situation start to sink in. Callie had touched Mark while Arizona was gone. Mark had touched Callie. The same Mark who she had allowed to boss her around all day, he had slept with her Calliope…and what’s worse? He got her pregnant. Arizona shook her head in disbelief. It just couldn’t be true.
She knew there was a reason why she disliked that damn whore of a man. She knew there was a reason she never felt complete trust in him. It wasn’t because she hated Mark; in fact, she thought he had the potential to be a great person. It was just that she felt like she couldn’t trust him to be a better person around Callie. Arizona knew she couldn’t trust Mark and that’s what made it worse.
Hurt.
To be detrimental to; hinder or impair.
Arizona placed a hand over her chest as she felt this terrible ache rest inside her heart. It felt like her heart was sinking.
“Ow,” Arizona whispered softly, breaking the trance that had settled over the elevator. Callie seemed to snap out of her haze and looked genuinely surprised that Arizona wasn’t yelling.
Callie swallowed and gingerly reached a hand towards Arizona. “Are you okay?”
Arizona took a step back to avoid Callie’s hand. It was just too much at the moment. Her heart, the pain was starting to increase tremendously and her skin started to burn. Arizona felt like she was on fire and the only thing she could do was try and take deep breaths to calm herself down. Her body seemed to have different ideas though as her breathing became ragged and the burning intensified. Arizona started to feel this churning in her stomach and tears prickle at the corners of her eyes. She could only wonder if this is what devastation felt like.
“Ow,” Arizona repeated a bit louder.
Callie looked worried as her eyes started to brim with tears. “Arizona? Do something, please. Yell, leave, talk…just don’t, just don’t do what you’re doing.”
Arizona spared a glance towards Callie before deciding that it was a bad idea, seeing Callie’s worried gaze directed towards her just made it all worse. Arizona walked towards the elevator buttons and started to press them furiously, hoping to speed up the contraption. Arizona felt the elevator stop and couldn’t help but breathe-a very labored and difficult-sigh of relief. She just needed to get some air to soothe this ache in her chest and the throbbing in her head. If she had a couple minutes to breath and maybe think, maybe she could calm down and think about this whole mess rationally instead of just repeating the same three things over again.
Shock, betrayal, hurt.
The doors began to open and Arizona counted down the seconds till she could make her getaway. It was just her luck that today of all days when the elevator opened; Mark Sloan would be standing there with his barely adult girlfriend and all his smug glory.
Callie had the actual decency to look worried while trying to spare Mark a warning glance.
Mark shot Arizona a grin and swung an arm over Lexie’s shoulders. “Yo Sparkles, what’s new?”
Arizona isn’t particularly proud of what happened next. In her defense she didn’t even know she had done it. All she knew was that one moment images of Mark and Callie flooded into her brain and the next moment Arizona’s fist was connecting with Mark’s face.
Arizona also isn’t really proud of the sick sense of satisfaction that took over her after seeing Mark crumple to the floor, his hand over his nose.
“Mark!” Lexie cried, immediately kneeling by his side. Lexie searched her pockets frantically until she found a napkin. Gingerly she covered Mark’s nose with the napkin, trying to stop the blood flow.
Mark groaned. “Jesus, Blondie. What do you eat for breakfast?”
“Mark, you shouldn’t talk. Just keep the pressure. I think-I think she broke your nose.”
Arizona glared at the young girl tending to Mark’s wounds. Of course he would get off looking like the good guy here. He slept with Callie, he got to look like a show-off on her service today, and he got to keep little Grey? What about her wounds? What about her heart?
Arizona huffed as she instinctively shot her leg out towards Mark’s side. It wasn’t terribly big or good of her but she did it anyway. Sometimes people were just people and did things they weren’t particularly proud of.
Mark wheezed as Arizona’s foot connected with his side. He curled and rolled to his side. Mark had one hand clutching on his stomach and the other trying to hold the napkin to his face.
“What the hell is wrong with you Dr. Robbins?!” Lexie exclaimed as she tried to shield Mark with her body.
“I promise not to call you Sparkles again if you stop hitting me,” Mark mumbled on the ground.
Lexie looked at Callie. “Do something Dr. Torres! He’s your best friend and you can’t just let her hit him.”
She was supposed to be honorable. She was supposed to rise above every occasion and she was supposed to be noble. But Arizona liked to think that in a moment of crisis she did the most important thing to her in that moment, she did what she was feeling. And at that moment she just so happened to feel a lot of pain and anger. Arizona knew that once was enough. At least that’s what her father had always told her. She hadn’t been lying when she told The Chief many months ago how her father had taught her to hit quick and hit hard, that way she’d only have to hit someone once. Arizona liked to hold her father’s words close to her heart at all times but she still believed in moments where it was necessary to break her dad’s rules. She felt so much aggression in her heart and she just couldn’t hold back in that moment. She could now because the anger was quickly dissolving. Even with the anger gone, even though Arizona went against her dad’s word, she still couldn’t bring herself to apologize for it. She wouldn’t apologize for her actions because in her heart she felt like they were necessary.
Arizona shook her head in anger and started to walk out of the elevator. She needed to get the fuck out of there and go somewhere that didn’t make her feel like the walls were closing in.
“Arizona, wait!” Callie yelled.
Arizona spared a glance at Callie. To her credit, Calliope stood tall in all her beautiful glory. She didn’t budge and she didn’t look angry. She just looked at Arizona with some type of pleading for forgiveness. For a second Arizona could almost see herself embracing Callie and whispering words of praise and condolences into her ear. For a second, Arizona could almost feel like none of what just occurred had actually happened. But it wasn’t long until reality came crashing down and settled itself into Arizona’s stomach, absolutely refusing to let go.
“I think I’m gonna be sick.”
Without another word Arizona stepped over Mark before briskly exiting out of the elevator and heading towards the bathroom. As soon as she entered the room, she pushed the door open to the first stall she passed and preceded to empty out all the contents of her stomach.
Yes, Arizona Robbins wasn’t without her faults, but she liked to think that she was growing.