Comments | bokuranoboken: (без темы)

bokuranoboken

(Untitled)

Aug 20, 2005 10:28

Title: Sins
Author: chastity_rowan
Rating: R for Language, Het just like star_flare asked ^_^
Type: Original fiction

( This is getting a little redundant, isn’t it? )

Comments 4

mushroom18 August 21 2005, 09:00:30 UTC

breath taking - breath-taking?

It's the intro yet, so I don't know what to say. I was partly confused with all the characters, though (is it me or my headache?)

You sure this is het? *eyes you warily*

I don't understand the narrator much. XD

chastity_rowan August 28 2005, 03:54:13 UTC

... I plan on abandoning this plot bunny and exile myself to Pluto if it can accomodate idiots like me.

You sure this is het? *eyes you warily*
*can't look at you straight in the eye* XD Possesive!Wrath is so not interested in Sloth

I don't understand the narrator much. XD

Yes, yes... Sloth, the narrator, has God-like omniscience over his other friends. In fact he knows too much about them yet he doesn't do anything as a friend to help them... he just... rambles. Hence the name, Sloth ^_^

panzer_kunst August 22 2005, 08:34:12 UTC

First I thought this involved pretty much ordinary people (with the setting and all), and then I saw "Wrath". Wait. Rewind. Double-take. "Wrath". Cool name. ..."Pride". Wth. Cue bulging eyes.

Great piece! At least you went all original on this one!
Lol, you're right. It's like Sandman/FMA combined. The SEVEN deadly sins. SEVEN.
And they live up to their names. I pinned high hopes for Lust in FMA, expecting her to be a distinctly female Desire, but oh well. The most well-portrayed Homunculus was Greed <3, I think. And Gluttony~~~<3 And well, Envy. <3

ANYWAY. On with the review nitpicking? ;P

The entire place was breath taking
"Breath-taking". I think mushroom18 already pointed that out. ^^

As if I really cared about it in the first place" One of the boys sat down
You missed out the period before the closing quotation mark.

Everyone found him difficult to deal with, and he got a long with
"A long" -> "along"

Wrath looked at everyone other than the group, in his mind was probably another end of the world story"Wrath looked at everyone other ( ... )

chastity_rowan August 30 2005, 01:54:44 UTC

Great piece! At least you went all original on this one!

*blushes* It is? Wow... thanks o^___^o

Sadly, this is a one shot hence the lack of character development on Sloth's part. I really wanted him to be a mere overseer of things around him and talk less of himself. Well, because he's Sloth and all that ^_^

I shall take note of my errors. Thank you for pointing them out XD