.......talk about backfiring
Keith is a mean, mean man. I played a practical joke on Keith and Nicky and they turned it around on me...............
Every cruise Nicky, the Onboard Marketing Manger holds a meeting for all the Revenue Partners and I take meeting minutes. The meeting is usually pretty fun, with a lot getting accomplished but in a rather unproffesional manner. Nicky always raves about how great my meeting minutes are, it takes a lot of effort to make them sound professional. This morning when I typed up the minutes I totally went nuts saying things like "the OMM doesn't give a shit and hates everyone" just for a giggle. While I sent them to Nicky and pretended they were the real minutes. Nicky found them hilarious and was in tears when she was reading them. She forwarded them to some people who would get a kick out of them.........one of them being the HD. About an hour after he recieved the fake minutes and after I had sent out the real minutes to head office I get an email from him saying "Call me immediatly" in big letters. Below it was a forwarded message from Jan Novak head of all our ships that had the fake minutes attached and said "Call me immediately"................omg I had a heart attack. I walked into Keith's office and he immediatly says "How could you attach the wrong minutes!!!" My stomach litterally jumpled into my throat. I was 99% sure I send the real minutes as I double and triple checked before I send them, but of course there was that 1% of doubt that maybe I fucked up. I rushed back to my office to check my sent mail........I was right, I did send the real minutes. Keith had spend 1/2 an hour doctoring and old email from Jan Novak so it looked real! JERK!
I've attached the fake ones simple so months from now when I'm bored and wish I was back on the ship I can look back and laugh..........I realize no one else will appreciate them but I will (maybe Bill)
M/V Century
Revenue Partners Meeting
April 23rd, 2006
Present:
Nicola Walsh, Onboard Marketing Manager Michelle Parker, Gift Shop Manager
Michael Field, Activity Manager James King, Photo Manager
Georgette Young, Acupuncturist Kent Cochran, Art Auctioneer
Mariusz Krzyanowski, Bar Manager Adrian Fulga, Wine Auctioneer
Andrew Murphy, Casino Manager Dave Case, High Seas Computing
Sunel Loots, Aqua Spa Manager Martiza Newball, Senior Doctor
Laurie Hillyard, Golf Professional
Excused: Weiji Yu, Laundry Chief; Latchezar Dimov, Shore Excursions Manager
Absent: Joanna Skwiercz, Florist
On April 23rd, 2006 the Onboard Marketing Manager held a meeting for all Revenue Partners because the Hotel Director forced her to.
Onboard Marketing Manager
Opening Remarks
The Onboard Marketing Manager opened the meeting by thanking everyone for his or her presence. She also welcomed the new Senior Doctor Maritza Newball.
New Ideas Follow-up
There are no new ideas at the moment as the OMM is leaving, doesn’t care and is to lazy to try and come up with anything new.
Revenue
We need to continue to push revenue and try our hardest to reach target. Head Office only looks at numbers because their heartless jerks and if you don’t make target you will be thrown out on your ass.
The revenue for April (voyages #406, 407, & 408) is currently being recalculated as the targets have now been restructured.
Century was second in the fleet for revenue for the first quarter (January, February and March).
Revenue from Last Cruise (#408)
Revenue from last cruise (April 9 - 16, #408) was only under by -1.7%. The OMM congratulated the Photo Manager as the photo department was over target by 45.3%. The Arcade was over target 618.3% last cruise, this was due to the arcade tournament held for the large number of children onboard, which was of course the modest OMM’s brilliant idea.
The departments, which were over target were:
Casino Tables (36.8%) Arcade/Crew Debit (618.3%) HSC (0.00%)
F&B Private Bars (36.5%) Guest Relations (29.9%) Medical (2.5%)
Photo Shop (45.3%) Laundry (2.1%) Spa Retail (39.1%)
Gift Shop (11.7%)
The departments, which were under target were:
Acupuncture Retail (-91.4%) Acupuncture Services (-58.8%) Emilio Robba (-60.4%)
F&B Wine (-24.7%) Celebrity Network Movies (-26.0%) Bingo (-23.6%)
Fresh Flowers (-53.8%) Celebrity Gaming Network (-93.2%) Spa Services (-10.6%)
Ocean Vineyard (-28%) Port Shopping Passports (-55.8%) Cova Chocolates (-82.2%)
Shorex (-7.9%) F&B Bars (-3.4%) Golf (-13.9%)
Art Auction (-7.8%) Casino Slots (-27.1%)
Revenue this Cruise
The Wine Auctioneer is doing well this cruise and the Acupuncture Clinic is doing great! Everyone needs to continue to focus on his or her areas, particularly those departments that are currently slacking off and are behind target. There are still four days left in the cruise, which if we all work hard together is enough time to meet our targets.
Ratings
The OCE from last cruise (#408) was 273.4 however many departments dropped in their departments because their staff members are stupid and can’t seem to grasp the concept of being friendly to the guests. We all need to strive to reach #1 in the fleet for both service and F&A, as everyone’s career is riding on the ratings after dry-dock and the Hotel Director will be pissed if he gets fired because his staff is incompetent.
Disc. Shopping Service - 248 Disc. Shopping F&A - 260 Acupuncture Service - 253
Acupuncture F&A - 243 HSC Service - 257 HSC F&A - 271
Golf Pro Service - 255 Golf Pro F&A - 255 Art Auctioneer Service - 242
Art Auctioneer F&A - 238 Florist Service - 259 Florist F&A - 268
Shorex Service - 255.0 Casino Service - 265.3 Gift Shop Service - 259.0
Shorex F&A - 255.8 Casino F&A - 265.1 Gift Shop F&A - 259.8
Spa Service - 269.4 Photo Staff Service - 257.1 Medical Staff Service - 263.7
Spa F&A - 273.9 Photo F&A - 257.8 Medical F&A - 265.8
Revitalization (Dry-dock)
Everyone must ensure that they are ready for dry-dock. All areas should be clear and ready before you signoff.
Please remember that if you are scheduled to sign-off during dry-dock you must take all your belongs with you. As well, please remember to leave any keys (i.e. locker keys) with the Hotel Director. Do not leave them with security because they can’t be trusted and will probably just steal your stuff.
The OMM is going on vacation on the 25th because she is sick and tired of listening to all the whining done by the Revenue Partners. So if anyone has any questions or problems please direct them to the HD, who will more than likely just tell you to shut up and deal with it yourself.
The OMM reminded everyone to try and not stress out during dry-dock; she will be thinking of and laughing at everyone onboard CN well she is sitting by her pool drinking large amounts of Margarita’s a picking up hot Spanish women.
CFM Sales
A table will be setup in the Staff Mess during the Jackpot Bingo session selling cases of water and cigarettes to the CFMs as prices for these products will increase in Europe.
There will be a CFM Gift Shop Sale tonight.
The CFM Bazaar held April 20th was a huge success. The Golf Pro made $1500 selling clothing, and the Spa made $2000. The Spa Staff didn’t feel like working any longer so they just started throwing products in bags and charging CFMs $60 which was very popular with the crew. Due to the increased number of staff in the deck 3 midship area, the Staff Bar made $1800.
New Promotions
The Spa Manager, Florist, Bar Manager and Photo Manager will be working together to create an early Mother’s Day promotion.
The Bar and Art Auctioneer will look at implementing the cross promotion which has been working well on the Mercury.
Desk Hours
Everyone must adhere to the desk hours they post; do not arrive late or leave early. If the OMM sees anyone away from their desk during their posted hours, there will be disciplinary action taken.
TEAM work
OMM thanked everyone for his or her teamwork regarding cross promotion and for his or her openness to new ideas and promotions. Let’s continue working together as a team and reach for the top!
Open Forum
The Onboard Revenue Manager opened the floor to the Partners:
Wine Auctioneer - revenue this cruise is going well. One factor, which is affecting revenue, is that Ocean Vineyards………………………………..the Wine Auctioneer continued to talk but the Hotel Admin Ass’t stopped listening and starting playing tic-tac-toe with the Activity Manger instead.
Bar Manager - the CFM party in the Hemisphere disco went well, and produced $1,300 of revenue in only three hours, next time we should charge regular Hemi prices for drinks so we can squeeze even more money from our CFMs whom we barely pay. Please inform your CFMs that bar prices will be going up once we reach Europe.
Casino Manager - this cruise is slow however it is still better than expected.
Gift Shop Manager - there will adverts placed in the Daily that the Gift Shops will be closing early.
Acupuncture @ Sea Dr. - this is a great cruise for the clinic and revenue is doing very well!
Activity Manager - that’s because of all the gay guys on the cruise.
Photo Manager - this cruise is very slow for the photo department. The guests are not interested in having their photos taken and the gallery is very quiet. The Photo Manager then burst into a fit of coughing and stated that he is “F#)$*&@)* dieing!”
Golf Professional - this cruise is going fairly well and the clothing sales have been good. There will be a nine hole putting contest held in the Hemisphere on the last sea day; the Cruise Director or Activity Manager will be participating and the Nike clothing will be on sale there as well.
Activity Manager - Bingo is very slow this cruise, largely because the Activity Manager, $ Mike, just doesn’t care and generally just HATES BINGO!
Art Auctioneer - this is a very slow cruise, with only the small ticket pieces being sold. This is due to the cheap white trash guests we have onboard.
Senior Doctor - this cruise has been very slow however there have been a few very “mentally unstable guests” who have made life interesting in the medical centre.
Spa Manager - this cruise is not going to bad, the CFM sale helped to increase revenue. The Spa Staff is working on closing the spa, as well as working on getting drunk and seducing all the Greek officers.
Closing Remarks
Nicola Walsh started to thank everyone for his or her support during her time as Onboard Marketing Manager until she realized that her staff was a bunch of stupid gits and bastards that she hopes never to see again.
______________________
Nicola Walsh
Onboard Marketing Manager
Every cruise Nicky, the Onboard Marketing Manger holds a meeting for all the Revenue Partners and I take meeting minutes. The meeting is usually pretty fun, with a lot getting accomplished but in a rather unproffesional manner. Nicky always raves about how great my meeting minutes are, it takes a lot of effort to make them sound professional. This morning when I typed up the minutes I totally went nuts saying things like "the OMM doesn't give a shit and hates everyone" just for a giggle. While I sent them to Nicky and pretended they were the real minutes. Nicky found them hilarious and was in tears when she was reading them. She forwarded them to some people who would get a kick out of them.........one of them being the HD. About an hour after he recieved the fake minutes and after I had sent out the real minutes to head office I get an email from him saying "Call me immediatly" in big letters. Below it was a forwarded message from Jan Novak head of all our ships that had the fake minutes attached and said "Call me immediately"................omg I had a heart attack. I walked into Keith's office and he immediatly says "How could you attach the wrong minutes!!!" My stomach litterally jumpled into my throat. I was 99% sure I send the real minutes as I double and triple checked before I send them, but of course there was that 1% of doubt that maybe I fucked up. I rushed back to my office to check my sent mail........I was right, I did send the real minutes. Keith had spend 1/2 an hour doctoring and old email from Jan Novak so it looked real! JERK!
I've attached the fake ones simple so months from now when I'm bored and wish I was back on the ship I can look back and laugh..........I realize no one else will appreciate them but I will (maybe Bill)
M/V Century
Revenue Partners Meeting
April 23rd, 2006
Present:
Nicola Walsh, Onboard Marketing Manager Michelle Parker, Gift Shop Manager
Michael Field, Activity Manager James King, Photo Manager
Georgette Young, Acupuncturist Kent Cochran, Art Auctioneer
Mariusz Krzyanowski, Bar Manager Adrian Fulga, Wine Auctioneer
Andrew Murphy, Casino Manager Dave Case, High Seas Computing
Sunel Loots, Aqua Spa Manager Martiza Newball, Senior Doctor
Laurie Hillyard, Golf Professional
Excused: Weiji Yu, Laundry Chief; Latchezar Dimov, Shore Excursions Manager
Absent: Joanna Skwiercz, Florist
On April 23rd, 2006 the Onboard Marketing Manager held a meeting for all Revenue Partners because the Hotel Director forced her to.
Onboard Marketing Manager
Opening Remarks
The Onboard Marketing Manager opened the meeting by thanking everyone for his or her presence. She also welcomed the new Senior Doctor Maritza Newball.
New Ideas Follow-up
There are no new ideas at the moment as the OMM is leaving, doesn’t care and is to lazy to try and come up with anything new.
Revenue
We need to continue to push revenue and try our hardest to reach target. Head Office only looks at numbers because their heartless jerks and if you don’t make target you will be thrown out on your ass.
The revenue for April (voyages #406, 407, & 408) is currently being recalculated as the targets have now been restructured.
Century was second in the fleet for revenue for the first quarter (January, February and March).
Revenue from Last Cruise (#408)
Revenue from last cruise (April 9 - 16, #408) was only under by -1.7%. The OMM congratulated the Photo Manager as the photo department was over target by 45.3%. The Arcade was over target 618.3% last cruise, this was due to the arcade tournament held for the large number of children onboard, which was of course the modest OMM’s brilliant idea.
The departments, which were over target were:
Casino Tables (36.8%) Arcade/Crew Debit (618.3%) HSC (0.00%)
F&B Private Bars (36.5%) Guest Relations (29.9%) Medical (2.5%)
Photo Shop (45.3%) Laundry (2.1%) Spa Retail (39.1%)
Gift Shop (11.7%)
The departments, which were under target were:
Acupuncture Retail (-91.4%) Acupuncture Services (-58.8%) Emilio Robba (-60.4%)
F&B Wine (-24.7%) Celebrity Network Movies (-26.0%) Bingo (-23.6%)
Fresh Flowers (-53.8%) Celebrity Gaming Network (-93.2%) Spa Services (-10.6%)
Ocean Vineyard (-28%) Port Shopping Passports (-55.8%) Cova Chocolates (-82.2%)
Shorex (-7.9%) F&B Bars (-3.4%) Golf (-13.9%)
Art Auction (-7.8%) Casino Slots (-27.1%)
Revenue this Cruise
The Wine Auctioneer is doing well this cruise and the Acupuncture Clinic is doing great! Everyone needs to continue to focus on his or her areas, particularly those departments that are currently slacking off and are behind target. There are still four days left in the cruise, which if we all work hard together is enough time to meet our targets.
Ratings
The OCE from last cruise (#408) was 273.4 however many departments dropped in their departments because their staff members are stupid and can’t seem to grasp the concept of being friendly to the guests. We all need to strive to reach #1 in the fleet for both service and F&A, as everyone’s career is riding on the ratings after dry-dock and the Hotel Director will be pissed if he gets fired because his staff is incompetent.
Disc. Shopping Service - 248 Disc. Shopping F&A - 260 Acupuncture Service - 253
Acupuncture F&A - 243 HSC Service - 257 HSC F&A - 271
Golf Pro Service - 255 Golf Pro F&A - 255 Art Auctioneer Service - 242
Art Auctioneer F&A - 238 Florist Service - 259 Florist F&A - 268
Shorex Service - 255.0 Casino Service - 265.3 Gift Shop Service - 259.0
Shorex F&A - 255.8 Casino F&A - 265.1 Gift Shop F&A - 259.8
Spa Service - 269.4 Photo Staff Service - 257.1 Medical Staff Service - 263.7
Spa F&A - 273.9 Photo F&A - 257.8 Medical F&A - 265.8
Revitalization (Dry-dock)
Everyone must ensure that they are ready for dry-dock. All areas should be clear and ready before you signoff.
Please remember that if you are scheduled to sign-off during dry-dock you must take all your belongs with you. As well, please remember to leave any keys (i.e. locker keys) with the Hotel Director. Do not leave them with security because they can’t be trusted and will probably just steal your stuff.
The OMM is going on vacation on the 25th because she is sick and tired of listening to all the whining done by the Revenue Partners. So if anyone has any questions or problems please direct them to the HD, who will more than likely just tell you to shut up and deal with it yourself.
The OMM reminded everyone to try and not stress out during dry-dock; she will be thinking of and laughing at everyone onboard CN well she is sitting by her pool drinking large amounts of Margarita’s a picking up hot Spanish women.
CFM Sales
A table will be setup in the Staff Mess during the Jackpot Bingo session selling cases of water and cigarettes to the CFMs as prices for these products will increase in Europe.
There will be a CFM Gift Shop Sale tonight.
The CFM Bazaar held April 20th was a huge success. The Golf Pro made $1500 selling clothing, and the Spa made $2000. The Spa Staff didn’t feel like working any longer so they just started throwing products in bags and charging CFMs $60 which was very popular with the crew. Due to the increased number of staff in the deck 3 midship area, the Staff Bar made $1800.
New Promotions
The Spa Manager, Florist, Bar Manager and Photo Manager will be working together to create an early Mother’s Day promotion.
The Bar and Art Auctioneer will look at implementing the cross promotion which has been working well on the Mercury.
Desk Hours
Everyone must adhere to the desk hours they post; do not arrive late or leave early. If the OMM sees anyone away from their desk during their posted hours, there will be disciplinary action taken.
TEAM work
OMM thanked everyone for his or her teamwork regarding cross promotion and for his or her openness to new ideas and promotions. Let’s continue working together as a team and reach for the top!
Open Forum
The Onboard Revenue Manager opened the floor to the Partners:
Wine Auctioneer - revenue this cruise is going well. One factor, which is affecting revenue, is that Ocean Vineyards………………………………..the Wine Auctioneer continued to talk but the Hotel Admin Ass’t stopped listening and starting playing tic-tac-toe with the Activity Manger instead.
Bar Manager - the CFM party in the Hemisphere disco went well, and produced $1,300 of revenue in only three hours, next time we should charge regular Hemi prices for drinks so we can squeeze even more money from our CFMs whom we barely pay. Please inform your CFMs that bar prices will be going up once we reach Europe.
Casino Manager - this cruise is slow however it is still better than expected.
Gift Shop Manager - there will adverts placed in the Daily that the Gift Shops will be closing early.
Acupuncture @ Sea Dr. - this is a great cruise for the clinic and revenue is doing very well!
Activity Manager - that’s because of all the gay guys on the cruise.
Photo Manager - this cruise is very slow for the photo department. The guests are not interested in having their photos taken and the gallery is very quiet. The Photo Manager then burst into a fit of coughing and stated that he is “F#)$*&@)* dieing!”
Golf Professional - this cruise is going fairly well and the clothing sales have been good. There will be a nine hole putting contest held in the Hemisphere on the last sea day; the Cruise Director or Activity Manager will be participating and the Nike clothing will be on sale there as well.
Activity Manager - Bingo is very slow this cruise, largely because the Activity Manager, $ Mike, just doesn’t care and generally just HATES BINGO!
Art Auctioneer - this is a very slow cruise, with only the small ticket pieces being sold. This is due to the cheap white trash guests we have onboard.
Senior Doctor - this cruise has been very slow however there have been a few very “mentally unstable guests” who have made life interesting in the medical centre.
Spa Manager - this cruise is not going to bad, the CFM sale helped to increase revenue. The Spa Staff is working on closing the spa, as well as working on getting drunk and seducing all the Greek officers.
Closing Remarks
Nicola Walsh started to thank everyone for his or her support during her time as Onboard Marketing Manager until she realized that her staff was a bunch of stupid gits and bastards that she hopes never to see again.
______________________
Nicola Walsh
Onboard Marketing Manager