China--Impervious to al Qaeda?
A holiday is approaching in China (in this case, National Day on 1 October), which means that some hilarious, clever anecdotes are making the rounds. Below is a good one sent to me by a friend, followed by my translation and explanatory notes (in brackets).
透路社最近消息：国庆节前一周，本·拉登领导的基地组织通过半岛电台向全世界发表声明。
声明中说：“中国是全球唯一不能惹的国家！”
原因如下:
基地组织曾派出培养了近10年的八名恐怖王牌精英分子袭击中国。
结果:
第一个在北京炸立交桥时，转晕在桥上；
第二个在上海炸公交车时，始终没能挤上车；
第三个在陕西炸超市时，炸弹遥控器被盗；
第四个在重庆炸政府大楼时，被保安狂揍致死：“叫你讨债，叫你上访”；
第五个在山西成功炸矿，造成伤亡数百，潜回基地，半年愣没见任何新闻报道，被基地组织以“欺骗组织罪”处决；
第六个想炸广州，结果刚出火车站炸药包给飞车党抢走，半天没缓过神；
第七个去炸辽宁铁岭，没出站口就被人忽悠瘸了；
最后一个恐怖分子去炸河南，没想到遇见人贩子，至今下落不明。
所以请你全家放心大胆的过国庆节 !! 国庆快乐!!
The latest news from Reuters: One week prior to National Day, al Qaeda has issued a statement through Al Jazeera.*
Included in the statement is the declaration that "China is the one country in the world which is not to be provoked!"
The reasons are as follows:
In the last 10 years, al Qaeda has trained eight elite terrorists and sent them to attack China:
The first was to bomb an overpass in Beijing, but he got too dizzy;
The second was to bomb a bus in Shanghai, but he couldn't manage to squeeze on board;
The third was to bomb a supermarket in Shaanxi, but the remote detonator was stolen;
The fourth was to bomb a government building in Chongqing, but a guard beat him to a pulp, yelling, "I'll teach you to bring a petition!" [People appealing to higher authorities against local government misbehavior are often abused; this may refer to a specific incident in Chongqing]
The fifth terrorist successfully bombed a coal mine in Shanxi, causing over a hundred casualties, and exfiltrated back to al Qaeda; six months passed without any news report of the bombing, and the terrorist was executed for deceiving the organization; [Cover-ups of mine accidents are common]
The sixth was to bomb Guangzhou, but as he exited the train station a motorcycle gang robbed him of the bag containing the explosives, frightening him out of his wits in the process; The seventh was to bomb Tieling in Liaoning Province, but [not worth translating; it's a reference to a Chinese comedian who's extremely famous in China but nowhere else];
The eighth and final terrorist went to bomb Henan, but he crossed paths with a human trafficker; his whereabouts remain unknown.
So everyone please relax and courageously celebrate National Day! Happy National Day!
*Interestingly, the Chinese translate "al Qaeda" and "Al Jazeera" directly as "The Base" and "The Peninsula", rather than attempt a phonetic equivalent.
透路社最近消息：国庆节前一周，本·拉登领导的基地组织通过半岛电台向全世界发表声明。
声明中说：“中国是全球唯一不能惹的国家！”
原因如下:
基地组织曾派出培养了近10年的八名恐怖王牌精英分子袭击中国。
结果:
第一个在北京炸立交桥时，转晕在桥上；
第二个在上海炸公交车时，始终没能挤上车；
第三个在陕西炸超市时，炸弹遥控器被盗；
第四个在重庆炸政府大楼时，被保安狂揍致死：“叫你讨债，叫你上访”；
第五个在山西成功炸矿，造成伤亡数百，潜回基地，半年愣没见任何新闻报道，被基地组织以“欺骗组织罪”处决；
第六个想炸广州，结果刚出火车站炸药包给飞车党抢走，半天没缓过神；
第七个去炸辽宁铁岭，没出站口就被人忽悠瘸了；
最后一个恐怖分子去炸河南，没想到遇见人贩子，至今下落不明。
所以请你全家放心大胆的过国庆节 !! 国庆快乐!!
The latest news from Reuters: One week prior to National Day, al Qaeda has issued a statement through Al Jazeera.*
Included in the statement is the declaration that "China is the one country in the world which is not to be provoked!"
The reasons are as follows:
In the last 10 years, al Qaeda has trained eight elite terrorists and sent them to attack China:
The first was to bomb an overpass in Beijing, but he got too dizzy;
The second was to bomb a bus in Shanghai, but he couldn't manage to squeeze on board;
The third was to bomb a supermarket in Shaanxi, but the remote detonator was stolen;
The fourth was to bomb a government building in Chongqing, but a guard beat him to a pulp, yelling, "I'll teach you to bring a petition!" [People appealing to higher authorities against local government misbehavior are often abused; this may refer to a specific incident in Chongqing]
The fifth terrorist successfully bombed a coal mine in Shanxi, causing over a hundred casualties, and exfiltrated back to al Qaeda; six months passed without any news report of the bombing, and the terrorist was executed for deceiving the organization; [Cover-ups of mine accidents are common]
The sixth was to bomb Guangzhou, but as he exited the train station a motorcycle gang robbed him of the bag containing the explosives, frightening him out of his wits in the process; The seventh was to bomb Tieling in Liaoning Province, but [not worth translating; it's a reference to a Chinese comedian who's extremely famous in China but nowhere else];
The eighth and final terrorist went to bomb Henan, but he crossed paths with a human trafficker; his whereabouts remain unknown.
So everyone please relax and courageously celebrate National Day! Happy National Day!
*Interestingly, the Chinese translate "al Qaeda" and "Al Jazeera" directly as "The Base" and "The Peninsula", rather than attempt a phonetic equivalent.