the emptiness i've found
Today was awful. I know that's probably really shallow of me to say, because I did not get raped or kidnapped or lose anyone close to me. But it was just one of those days when I just felt trapped in my own house, a prisoner to my own negative thoughts, and was constantly on the verge of tears. I guess it began from the beginning. I woke up around 10 and decided to read in bed and by 10:30 my mom came in to yell at me. Saying I was no longer allowed to sleep in past 9, I was wasting my day and everyone's time, and she was sick of it. She said I was no longer allowed to stay up late, because I had to get used to healthy sleeping habits before I go off and have to live without anyone to tell me when to go to bed. I agreed as always in my completely non-confrontational way, then closed the door and proceeded to cry all over myself. How could she understand that it's not just "staying up late" to me? Those hours between 11 and 3 mean the world to me. How could anyone understand that? The fact of the matter is, I'm going to lose it. This is my last week of this. I won't have time for "keeping in touch" in college, no matter how often I tell myself I will, or how hard we try to devise a game plan for it. It's just impossible. So I'm enjoying it. And the parent is trying to tell me I need to give it up to be healthy? I'd rather catch pneumonia than lose one of the few breaks from monotony that I get. I spent the rest of the day doing dishes, pulling weeds, and cleaning out my closet, throwing away more and more of my preciously hoarded possessions. I just don't care anymore. I threw away my jewelry box from my grandma along with most of it's contents. I hate that my family wants to help me get rid of my shit. They don't belong in my closet, under my bed. They don't even belong in my room. They can't begin to comprehend the contents of my mind, therefore they have no permission to permeate the contents of my physical home. Apparently they plan to paint my bathroom white. I told them they can wait until I leave. I realize it's chipped and dirty and moldy, but it's all a part of who I am. And it's still mine for the next two weeks. My family minus my dad is going to Knotts Berry Farm on Thursday. I can't decide if I want to go. I should go, to spend time with Brandon. But he'll have my grandma there. I really couldn't care less about an amusement park, and I think I'd benefit more from being home alone than spending a day pretending not to count down the days until I'm independent. Andrew says to just suck it up, bring a friend, and I said, "I don't have any friends, remember?" like I used to back in the old days. For once he said "Yes you do." That was cool. But I'm slowly dealing with the fact that most of m friends I will not see much anymore, or ever again. I have my memories, my boxes full of pictures and programs, and that is enough. I realize that times change. I'm okay with that. Maybe that's a sign of growing up. Or a sign of depression, either way. I know that I'm definitely done with high school drama, for one thing. I hear about the stuff my younger friends are dealing with, and I can't be sympathetic anymore. I went through it all, at least vicariously, and it's gone. Done. Everyone is over everything, and if they aren't, they're not to the level I am yet. My family is trying to convince people that they won't really miss me that much, because I need this, but no one believes them except for me.
The feel of tears drying on my cheeks make me want to go throw away more of my things.
I didn't write about anything that's happened to me lately. The fake smiles at Lauren's going away party, the feeling like a booster parent and wanting to join in the planning, the unwillingness to buy a new puppy, the late birthday dinner for Somer, the family gathering where my expelled cousin was impressed by the idea of college and my grandpa told me to find a rich boy to marry. The seeing friends at the gym and insisting my tendency to walk slowly on the treadmill was because I was lazy, not because I tend to faint from overexertion, and feared fainting there again.
Leah called me today to say hi, and see if I wanted to hang out. That made me feel so happy. I don't really even know here, but we're becoming friends. I guess this means I'll be able to make friends in college. Heck, the people I've spent time with this summer are the people I've known less. Weird? Maybe that's because people get to know me and drop me. No, I don't really think that. Maybe I get to know them and get scared. Or maybe I just like new people now and then. One is silver and the other's gold?
I'm gonna go put away more stuff.
~Sarah~
The feel of tears drying on my cheeks make me want to go throw away more of my things.
I didn't write about anything that's happened to me lately. The fake smiles at Lauren's going away party, the feeling like a booster parent and wanting to join in the planning, the unwillingness to buy a new puppy, the late birthday dinner for Somer, the family gathering where my expelled cousin was impressed by the idea of college and my grandpa told me to find a rich boy to marry. The seeing friends at the gym and insisting my tendency to walk slowly on the treadmill was because I was lazy, not because I tend to faint from overexertion, and feared fainting there again.
Leah called me today to say hi, and see if I wanted to hang out. That made me feel so happy. I don't really even know here, but we're becoming friends. I guess this means I'll be able to make friends in college. Heck, the people I've spent time with this summer are the people I've known less. Weird? Maybe that's because people get to know me and drop me. No, I don't really think that. Maybe I get to know them and get scared. Or maybe I just like new people now and then. One is silver and the other's gold?
I'm gonna go put away more stuff.
~Sarah~