(no subject)
I've had quite the emotional roller coaster in the past few months of my life. I've loved and lost more times lately than I thought was humanly possible. My last relationship had scorned me so badly that I thought I would never recover. Anyways, here I am, a few months later, so much stronger than I ever thought possible. The only question I have is, does love really exist in my world? Or is this just some huge joke that God is playing on me just so he can have the last laugh? I've loved very few people in my life, and I find it funny that two people that I loved the most found each other to in some way find it alright to hurt me. I saw one of these people tonight, and it made my heart fall out of my ass, literally. I'm not ashamed or scared to say that my former best friend of whom I was so in love with, I'd give my life for, (See Journal Entries from 06 - 08) This person seemed to find it alright to take the knife that was already jabbed thru my heart and twist it each way til I fell to the ground dead as could be. Well the good news is, I've risen from that incident and let it teach me that in this life, you can never trust anybody but YOU. Even if you gave someone, or two people, all the love that you knew how to give. Fuck it, I will even say it. Adam and Jason, the two of you were at one point the only things in life that even made sense, but now I could piss on both of your graves and not think twice about it. It took me such a long time to get over all of what has happened, but I have now risen so far above all of this, that I find it petty to even think twice about. I'm at a stage in my life that I never thought was possible. I smiled so wide today when I put on a pair of jeans that used to be tight on me, and they were so big that I had to grab a belt. I've bought so many new clothes lately, because frankly, nothing fits me anymore. I've worked really hard at what I've accomplished lately, and it feels good to barely fit a medium tshirt anymore. I had to buy new jeans because everything I had was way too big for me. I love how that feels, and now I pay attention so much more to everything I consume lately. I won't even think about eating a carb unless I eat a salad first, and any fried food will see it's end before it hits this mouth of mine. I love the way it feels when I step on the scale and see 195 instead of 245! Which is exactly what I let myself get to when my last relationship ended. I ate my feelings more than delt with them. Now I'm at a point in my life that I haven't felt since I was 19 and stripping at the Gold Coast. So many people compliment me, and so many people try to get with me, it's unreal. It's the best feeling I've had in such a long time, and I will stop at nothing to make it continue. The only thing I wish is that I find the person that I've spent this long prepping for, and I hope that he compares to what I've had in my past. It's not hard to realize that the only person who is even worth mentioning is my one and only true love, and I find it so easy to announce his pure and utter perfection. I just hope that one of these days, if he doesn't come to his senses and miss me like I do him, I will find someone who even comes close. I hate to say this, and I know it sounds conceited, but my first love reigns FAR above all others and I hope he knows this. I'm not stupid enough to think that he doesn't read this and see's that even though I have a hot twink in my bed right now, I'm still passionate enough to write about how much I miss his love. =( "An Angel without wings is merely mortal." just as much as "A Raven without true love, falls eternally to his demise."