A change in the house of flies, yet again....
In having plenty of time to re-evaluate myself and my life, I have to come to many conclusions. I can't change anyone, point blank. People in this world are going to do what they want to regardless of anything around them. I have spent way too many years looking for love, and announcing it so soon; that I get myself caught in situations where I seem to get so hurt so easily. I need to slow down and be ok with myself first - and I can only do this alone. I am in a state right now where it's easier to be mean to the closest friends I have to push them away because subconsciously I feel as if I don't deserve for anyone to love me, and I'm alright with that, I've come to terms with it. I am starting to know myself and my place lately. I didn't deserve what happened to me earlier this week, but I now realize that it's my own fault. I put things off and put things off until they eventually just go away. Well I now realize that nothing just goes away and I ended up being punished for my own stupid mistakes, as well as taking the fall for my friends....or who I thought were my friends. The question I ask myself is, would anyone ever do that for me? I spent four days in jail so that other people wouldn't have to. How fair is that? It's my own fault. What's not my fault is what was going on when I wasn't in the picture for a few days and that's what's made me angry for the past few days. I am only away for a few days, and suddenly it's like I don't even exist anymore. People seem to move on so easily, it's funny really. I can't change anyone, and if the attention of many other people makes you happy, then so be it. I can't chase you anymore, and I can't worry anymore, and I can't guess and wonder on what's going on anymore. It's absolutely exhausting. I hope you are happy in knowing that in a state where you could have me more than anyone else ever could, as vulnerable as I was upon my return, you proceed to screw it up by being so careless with your actions. I'm really starting to understand things in a new way now, and it's all making sense to me. I just don't want to think I'm crazy anymore, when I know I'm not. You are, and always will be, manipulative enough to make me think so. I just know that now.