My music LIVES!!!!
OMG I just put music to the first poem I wrote in my journal. Thank you melissa, for the response. Now to the business at hand....
IT is really hard trying to make it through the 4 stages of acceptance. I continue to skirt between denyal and bargining. It is quite strange because the last time this happened, I was at my uncle's funeral. To me, this situation seems like a funeral. In a "weird" kind of way. Letting someone go or thinking you are, is I think the most painfull thing to live through. Besides getting your heart broken. Love sure it blind, because when you come back to your reality, it's still blind. Then you have to function in your heart blindness...therefore DENIAL.
Denial is weird because you never know when you are denying something, until you are talking to yourself sitting on the potty and day-dreaming about things in the past. It just pains me to realize that something I have wished for, didn't wish for me. That sucks. I had this whole analogy about the stars and astronomy stuff...I but I am really not in the mood to mention it. [Tune in later for that] But anyway the music thing...
Oh yes!! Composing music to the words that I wrote is like un-medicated therapy. It sometimes brings closure to the theme I have written about. I thought it brought closure, but alas...it didn't. I am still in denial. When I play and sing the song, it brings tears to my eyes because it is so true and says it better than my musically-unaided-voicalized words can. I sat at that piano bench, reflecting and dreaming. I was in a daze for about 10 mins. Not knowing what I was presently doing, but remembering things the way they were. The way they should be. But you know...sad...sad. I am not denying my love. No way! I would never do that. I just thought that feeling deep sadness about losing a certain kind of love, would never happen this soon. Ok...I am not too innocent myself. I have had to break hearts before, for the greater good of my emotional stability status. But having it happen to me, like this...it's just crushing. I used to say that I didn't know why I cried myself to sleep every night; but now I know. There is a reason. It's because I am now missing my peace. And my PIECE...she took it. (heheheh) :) But seriously...there is a piece of me missing, like a gap in time. Last night my thoughts were so vivid, they spilled into my dreams.
I dreamed about my future and it was nice, but there was something missing. There was a huge house, everything was in it. But there was something missing. The house had something missing. Then everything started to disappear. Then I saw myself sleeping in my bed. I really don't know if it was mine, but I was sleeping in it. But I was sleeping next to someone that I recognize. I know who it was. But I cannot say. Because that should stay with me. That is my silent torture. Knowing but not telling. Keeping it all inside, like holding in a loud burp at a golf tournament. My music didn't bring closure this time...it just brought more questions. Too many questions. I have to exhaust all possibilities before I move on. That is what my music implied. It has a mind of its own you know. You should hear it.
But the pain of letting go...losing...admiting defeat...OMG I can't do that. It's not that I always win or I am always right, it's just that I have to know if or when I am not going to get something. And when I do...I then can begin to accept it fact I am not going to get it.
IT is really hard trying to make it through the 4 stages of acceptance. I continue to skirt between denyal and bargining. It is quite strange because the last time this happened, I was at my uncle's funeral. To me, this situation seems like a funeral. In a "weird" kind of way. Letting someone go or thinking you are, is I think the most painfull thing to live through. Besides getting your heart broken. Love sure it blind, because when you come back to your reality, it's still blind. Then you have to function in your heart blindness...therefore DENIAL.
Denial is weird because you never know when you are denying something, until you are talking to yourself sitting on the potty and day-dreaming about things in the past. It just pains me to realize that something I have wished for, didn't wish for me. That sucks. I had this whole analogy about the stars and astronomy stuff...I but I am really not in the mood to mention it. [Tune in later for that] But anyway the music thing...
Oh yes!! Composing music to the words that I wrote is like un-medicated therapy. It sometimes brings closure to the theme I have written about. I thought it brought closure, but alas...it didn't. I am still in denial. When I play and sing the song, it brings tears to my eyes because it is so true and says it better than my musically-unaided-voicalized words can. I sat at that piano bench, reflecting and dreaming. I was in a daze for about 10 mins. Not knowing what I was presently doing, but remembering things the way they were. The way they should be. But you know...sad...sad. I am not denying my love. No way! I would never do that. I just thought that feeling deep sadness about losing a certain kind of love, would never happen this soon. Ok...I am not too innocent myself. I have had to break hearts before, for the greater good of my emotional stability status. But having it happen to me, like this...it's just crushing. I used to say that I didn't know why I cried myself to sleep every night; but now I know. There is a reason. It's because I am now missing my peace. And my PIECE...she took it. (heheheh) :) But seriously...there is a piece of me missing, like a gap in time. Last night my thoughts were so vivid, they spilled into my dreams.
I dreamed about my future and it was nice, but there was something missing. There was a huge house, everything was in it. But there was something missing. The house had something missing. Then everything started to disappear. Then I saw myself sleeping in my bed. I really don't know if it was mine, but I was sleeping in it. But I was sleeping next to someone that I recognize. I know who it was. But I cannot say. Because that should stay with me. That is my silent torture. Knowing but not telling. Keeping it all inside, like holding in a loud burp at a golf tournament. My music didn't bring closure this time...it just brought more questions. Too many questions. I have to exhaust all possibilities before I move on. That is what my music implied. It has a mind of its own you know. You should hear it.
But the pain of letting go...losing...admiting defeat...OMG I can't do that. It's not that I always win or I am always right, it's just that I have to know if or when I am not going to get something. And when I do...I then can begin to accept it fact I am not going to get it.