Everything moves so quickly here...

[boidheach]

One more night of Angels and it seems so strange. I've come to realize that even though we have the fictional finalisms that say "as soon as this is over, I'll have more time" that this only makes us feel better because in reality... once I'm done with this show we go straight into finals which will then lead to the three summer jobs I have lined up. I cannot escape them. Not to mention my personality apparently craves the never ending events because somehow I always get myself into them. It's a never ending cycle. I need to be busy. Even if it is hanging out with a variety of friends (which I haven't gotten to do for a while). I need variety. Even if it's not even busy all the time, I just need something to do. Which I guess is why I get bored so easily, I get into these routines that I do just because thats what I do. I need to get away from these, because if I did a variety of stuff, I'd be happy. If something was spontanious, I'd be happier. Or maybe this is just another fictional finalism. Or maybe I am happy in my little bubble, whatever that bubble may be a the time. Right now I guess it's the theatre, but I also miss the things I used to do before the theatre had taken my life once more. I mean, I never even see my roomate and I live with him. But of course, as I said, all that is going to change soon. I hope at least, because I need to free myself of all the constraints that I put on myself. That's what is so hilarious to me. I have this stupid neurosis that states that I need routine, that I need to obsess, and then there is another side of me, saying, "run, be free". Free? What is free anyway? A construct of our imaginations if you ask me, because no one is ever really free. But we really wouldn't want to be free, at least in my conceptualization of the world. I mean, if we were free... truely and completely able to not worry about at all, we would have no life, because then we would have no emotions. Emotions, as much as we can hate them, are what makes life. That's why whenever I'm truely upset and unhappy, I look at it and know that this is how we know what happiness is, and I guess, in it's own strange little way, what freedom is. Freedom in what I think most people think the definition of the word is. I

But by now, I'm probably just rambling, but maybe I should do that more often, maybe there seems to be more to me than just what people think they see. Who knows, we are all alone in our own little universes, interconnecting with everyone elses when our orbits pass each other by. Maybe it's a short pull of gravity, and both bodies move on, but the orbit will forever be changed. I am moved every day by the pull of your gravity, each person who will be reading this. You have all shaped my life in some way, shape, or form. You've made me who I am, good or bad. Just know that if you really truly consider me a friend, I will feel the same of you. Even if you are only passing by. Maybe people will think I'm just trying to be nice and feathery, but in reality, I'm slowly, like all of us, are figuring out the definition of "me" or at least what that isn't. Goodnight, and tomorrow the world will be different, forever changing, and maybe it isn't so bad after all.