Dear Journal
Dear Journal,
How can the world end so quickly without a sound? We were excited, beyond excited. We are responsible, stable adults with a secure warm home. We wanted to welcome our child into this home, love and raise our child with a firm and persistent love. For the past three months our thoughts have been full of all things baby: cribs, clothes, diapers, mobiles, pacifiers, doctors. How do we fill that void?
We went to the hospital convinced that we would be told that everything was okay. We were worried first timers, this was normal, right? We waited, weekends in the ER are nothing to joke about, even here in a small community. We waited and I almost convinced myself to go home when they finally called us back to a room. An exam, blood drawn, samples. Not sure, go for an ultra sound. Thank god that tech was sensitive and kind. She was gentle when she told us that no, I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat.
There had been! there used to be. There should be. There was none. No. No. I want my baby. I want my baby. Why? Why? Why? The earth shattered and fell crashing around us in tons of concrete guilt and rage and doubt. Why? Our hopes crumpled and fell to the floor with our tears. Why? That bundle of endless possibilites, bright future, gone. No one can tell us why
The hospital kept us for a D&C. I slept little, cried heavily, became numb. I still haven't accepted this. I still hope that it isn't true. I still want my baby, MY BABY in January like we wanted and planned and hoped. No one can tell us why, so how can we accept this?
Physically I'm fine. In my brain I know that I will be okay. My heart is broken and my earth has shattered, but I will be okay...eventually. I hope that you never have to feel like this, I hope that this tragedy this loss never happens to you. I have the audacity to hope in the spite of it all. And I still want my baby.
How can the world end so quickly without a sound? We were excited, beyond excited. We are responsible, stable adults with a secure warm home. We wanted to welcome our child into this home, love and raise our child with a firm and persistent love. For the past three months our thoughts have been full of all things baby: cribs, clothes, diapers, mobiles, pacifiers, doctors. How do we fill that void?
We went to the hospital convinced that we would be told that everything was okay. We were worried first timers, this was normal, right? We waited, weekends in the ER are nothing to joke about, even here in a small community. We waited and I almost convinced myself to go home when they finally called us back to a room. An exam, blood drawn, samples. Not sure, go for an ultra sound. Thank god that tech was sensitive and kind. She was gentle when she told us that no, I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat.
There had been! there used to be. There should be. There was none. No. No. I want my baby. I want my baby. Why? Why? Why? The earth shattered and fell crashing around us in tons of concrete guilt and rage and doubt. Why? Our hopes crumpled and fell to the floor with our tears. Why? That bundle of endless possibilites, bright future, gone. No one can tell us why
The hospital kept us for a D&C. I slept little, cried heavily, became numb. I still haven't accepted this. I still hope that it isn't true. I still want my baby, MY BABY in January like we wanted and planned and hoped. No one can tell us why, so how can we accept this?
Physically I'm fine. In my brain I know that I will be okay. My heart is broken and my earth has shattered, but I will be okay...eventually. I hope that you never have to feel like this, I hope that this tragedy this loss never happens to you. I have the audacity to hope in the spite of it all. And I still want my baby.