Fuck.
Yesterday was my last day at work. I had a really great day, it wasn't stressful, I got given the Best Card Ever and after work I got hammered. And went to Korean Karaoke on Queen Street and it was awesome.
This morning when I woke up I was pretty happy after having a wonderful night with people I really care about, who I love dearly, who I'm really gonna miss when I'm away. People who I have so so so much fun with and take me for who I am and don't beat up on me when I do something wrong - people who basically love me for who I am unconditionally.
I was on a high from that this morning, and then my Mother came home from work and it was all ripped to shreds.
Background:
In October 2007 I started a 12-week gym programme where the gym provided you with all your meals and menus and gave you weekly appointments with a personal trainer, the ultimate goal being to lose weight and feel better about yourself. My Mother was the one who pushed me to do it, and after justifying it to myself as something to keep my mind occupied from heartbreak and having to come home, I decided to take it up but was unsure what the results were going to be. I liked having something to do, I didn't really concentrate on losing weight, just having something to do every night instead of moping about the house driving myself insane.
I ended up doing that programme for 6 months because I did enjoy it. I ended up losing about 18kgs, was in probably the best shape of my life, was very fit....but I wasn't entirely happy with myself. Yes I felt better but I wanted to lose more until I was really really happy with my body.
Well, Christmas came and with that came an insane time at work, where I was basically working 12 hour days 5 days a week plus coming in on the weekends, which left very little time for going to the gym or thinking about what I was eating. This meant that I went into reverse mode and instead of going down, my weight slowly increased up - I haven't weighed myself in a while because I know I won't like it, but I think I'm maybe 4/5 kgs off the weight I was when I first started the programme in 2007 right now. Depressing yes, frustrating yes, but I do exercise regularly by going for runs about 3 times a week and I do try to watch what I am eating.
ANYWAY.
The card I got from work has pictures of my head stuck on someone else's body (for NZers: it's Sally Ridge's craft column in the Woman's Weekly magazine, she makes naff things every week which are lame and we rip the piss out of her every time we see a new gem). I loved the card, it was classic, and I was chuffed to bits with it.
Mum came home from work this afternoon and I showed her the card. Big. Fucking. Mistake.
"Is that you?"
"Yeah they stuck my head on someone else's body."
"It doesn't look like you. Look at you there, you look so skinny and pretty."
Typing those words out upsets me more than I can possibly explain. The fact that it was followed by mocking laughter twisted the knife that had been so callously stuck in in the first place. It's resulted in the fantastic mood I was in being pulled out from under me and me being holed up in my room all day crying.
When Rob was here I heard her talking to my sister on the phone saying something along the lines of "You should see Aniva, she's put weight back on.....she's really let me down". What got me about that was that I was already feeling shitty about it and to hear her express her disappointment to someone else was fucking horrible....and I never went on the programme exclusively for her, I did it for myself, but to hear someone else say something about a topic I already felt delicate about made me feel like shite. I fell to pieces following that and lucky Rob was here so I could talk through it with him, because it totally did my head in and was really unfair. Following that I made a conscious decision never to talk to her again about exercising or eating things or anything weight-loss related, because it was always going to end up with me in tears and her trying to justify why she said what she had said.
So for her to come out of the blue with this has me spewing (not literally, don't worry). All I was fucking doing was showing her a card that had been created out of my friends appreciation of me, and with one stupid comment she belittled it and took all the fun out of it.
What really really really fucking gets me about that comment is how she thinks the 'pretty' label can only be applied to people who are "skinny". She made a throwaway comment about that the other day (talking about a family friend's daughter and how "she's got a pretty face but she's just a really big girl") which I ignored, but today's comment backs that up. It fucks me off big time - I know that that's not true at all (pretty and skinny being mutually exclusive), but if anyone else had that said to them they would think that they're not pretty just because they're a little overweight.
It has really upset me, to a degree I didn't think it would. I just wish she would get the fuck over it - okay so I put weight back on, but that doesn't make me less pretty or less of a person because of it. I am fundamentally the same person I was 12 months ago; I am no more capable of being able to take these stupid throwaway comments now as I was then. It is totally unfair that this is being brought up time and time again and I'm being made to feel like crap about it when I didn't start fucking discussing it in the first place.
In the last year I've learned that I am never ever ever ever going to be happy with my body, not if I got down to a size 8, not if I went up to a size 28. I am never going to be happy with my body, and I accept that. I just wish she would fucking well get over it and not badger me about it, and not go on about something that obviously upsets me a whole lot.
1 week to go. It's a horrible thing to say, but the sooner I am away from her, the better. My state of mind will better, I will be happier, I will be free of judging eyes. She's the only person in my life who makes me feel like utter crap and I don't need or deserve that shite. I cannot wait to be away from her, living my own life, being totally surrounded by people who love me and appreciate me for the person I am and not putting conditions on that.
I've already booked a flight to Dublin to spend a few days there, but in the face of this I'd like to say a little longer. One week left of living with her in my face all the time, I just hope I can hold out.
In other news - I already have an interview lined up when I get to London (I know right!), the silver lining to this very shitty day.
This morning when I woke up I was pretty happy after having a wonderful night with people I really care about, who I love dearly, who I'm really gonna miss when I'm away. People who I have so so so much fun with and take me for who I am and don't beat up on me when I do something wrong - people who basically love me for who I am unconditionally.
I was on a high from that this morning, and then my Mother came home from work and it was all ripped to shreds.
Background:
In October 2007 I started a 12-week gym programme where the gym provided you with all your meals and menus and gave you weekly appointments with a personal trainer, the ultimate goal being to lose weight and feel better about yourself. My Mother was the one who pushed me to do it, and after justifying it to myself as something to keep my mind occupied from heartbreak and having to come home, I decided to take it up but was unsure what the results were going to be. I liked having something to do, I didn't really concentrate on losing weight, just having something to do every night instead of moping about the house driving myself insane.
I ended up doing that programme for 6 months because I did enjoy it. I ended up losing about 18kgs, was in probably the best shape of my life, was very fit....but I wasn't entirely happy with myself. Yes I felt better but I wanted to lose more until I was really really happy with my body.
Well, Christmas came and with that came an insane time at work, where I was basically working 12 hour days 5 days a week plus coming in on the weekends, which left very little time for going to the gym or thinking about what I was eating. This meant that I went into reverse mode and instead of going down, my weight slowly increased up - I haven't weighed myself in a while because I know I won't like it, but I think I'm maybe 4/5 kgs off the weight I was when I first started the programme in 2007 right now. Depressing yes, frustrating yes, but I do exercise regularly by going for runs about 3 times a week and I do try to watch what I am eating.
ANYWAY.
The card I got from work has pictures of my head stuck on someone else's body (for NZers: it's Sally Ridge's craft column in the Woman's Weekly magazine, she makes naff things every week which are lame and we rip the piss out of her every time we see a new gem). I loved the card, it was classic, and I was chuffed to bits with it.
Mum came home from work this afternoon and I showed her the card. Big. Fucking. Mistake.
"Is that you?"
"Yeah they stuck my head on someone else's body."
"It doesn't look like you. Look at you there, you look so skinny and pretty."
Typing those words out upsets me more than I can possibly explain. The fact that it was followed by mocking laughter twisted the knife that had been so callously stuck in in the first place. It's resulted in the fantastic mood I was in being pulled out from under me and me being holed up in my room all day crying.
When Rob was here I heard her talking to my sister on the phone saying something along the lines of "You should see Aniva, she's put weight back on.....she's really let me down". What got me about that was that I was already feeling shitty about it and to hear her express her disappointment to someone else was fucking horrible....and I never went on the programme exclusively for her, I did it for myself, but to hear someone else say something about a topic I already felt delicate about made me feel like shite. I fell to pieces following that and lucky Rob was here so I could talk through it with him, because it totally did my head in and was really unfair. Following that I made a conscious decision never to talk to her again about exercising or eating things or anything weight-loss related, because it was always going to end up with me in tears and her trying to justify why she said what she had said.
So for her to come out of the blue with this has me spewing (not literally, don't worry). All I was fucking doing was showing her a card that had been created out of my friends appreciation of me, and with one stupid comment she belittled it and took all the fun out of it.
What really really really fucking gets me about that comment is how she thinks the 'pretty' label can only be applied to people who are "skinny". She made a throwaway comment about that the other day (talking about a family friend's daughter and how "she's got a pretty face but she's just a really big girl") which I ignored, but today's comment backs that up. It fucks me off big time - I know that that's not true at all (pretty and skinny being mutually exclusive), but if anyone else had that said to them they would think that they're not pretty just because they're a little overweight.
It has really upset me, to a degree I didn't think it would. I just wish she would get the fuck over it - okay so I put weight back on, but that doesn't make me less pretty or less of a person because of it. I am fundamentally the same person I was 12 months ago; I am no more capable of being able to take these stupid throwaway comments now as I was then. It is totally unfair that this is being brought up time and time again and I'm being made to feel like crap about it when I didn't start fucking discussing it in the first place.
In the last year I've learned that I am never ever ever ever going to be happy with my body, not if I got down to a size 8, not if I went up to a size 28. I am never going to be happy with my body, and I accept that. I just wish she would fucking well get over it and not badger me about it, and not go on about something that obviously upsets me a whole lot.
1 week to go. It's a horrible thing to say, but the sooner I am away from her, the better. My state of mind will better, I will be happier, I will be free of judging eyes. She's the only person in my life who makes me feel like utter crap and I don't need or deserve that shite. I cannot wait to be away from her, living my own life, being totally surrounded by people who love me and appreciate me for the person I am and not putting conditions on that.
I've already booked a flight to Dublin to spend a few days there, but in the face of this I'd like to say a little longer. One week left of living with her in my face all the time, I just hope I can hold out.
In other news - I already have an interview lined up when I get to London (I know right!), the silver lining to this very shitty day.