(no subject)
I'm turning 20 in less than six hours... Crazy right?... the birthday cards of the lives I've left behind are stilled filled with glitter and pictures of cartoon girls dancing. I guess the people who loved me then, see only the seven year old that left them. It's funny how even though I grow their perception of me does not change. I guess that's what happens when your life becomes about a solitary journey of self-discovery. When I return to them, if I return to them, I wonder if I'll be forced back into the role of the baby. The check my grandmother sent me was made out to Katelyn Moreland. I feel like this is definitive proof that members of your family see you only how they want to. And no matter how much you change they will only see in you what they take comfort in seeing in you.
I don't know what I am doing anymore, what I'm thinking is a mystery, and how I am feeling is always changing. I'm kind of falling in love with the idea of always being somewhere different, and doing something different.
Something occured to me just now, as I was reading something I probably shouldn't have been reading instead of writing an all consuming research paper. Failure has never been an option for me. I know that I am always going to be successful at life whether I like what I'm working at or not. When I am stressed I take solice in the fact that I know I'll get it done, and it will most likely be fabulous. Wow... conceeded? Yes.
I realize I've changed so much in this past semester. It's a good feeling knowing that you are becoming something better than you were. I am more focused on what I want lately. This summer defintely helped me to realize that if I have to work at something other than what I am passionate about I will lead an unfulfilling life. Knowing that success at something I don't love is so incredibly unfulfilling makes me that much more driven to be successful at what I do love. I feel like that applies to more than just theater. I am more driven this year to be successful at what ever I want, and because I have this attitude I am finally getting what I want out of life. Therefore I am happy.
Is that a selfish attitude to take... getting what I want is the way to make me happy. Well I don't really care right now. Fuck that shit. I want this internship, I want that job, I want your attention... I want any number of things at any moment in time... and I know I'm going to be successful at getting them. How empowering... clearly I'm having an extreme wave of self-confidence.
Happy Birthday to me.
I don't know what I am doing anymore, what I'm thinking is a mystery, and how I am feeling is always changing. I'm kind of falling in love with the idea of always being somewhere different, and doing something different.
Something occured to me just now, as I was reading something I probably shouldn't have been reading instead of writing an all consuming research paper. Failure has never been an option for me. I know that I am always going to be successful at life whether I like what I'm working at or not. When I am stressed I take solice in the fact that I know I'll get it done, and it will most likely be fabulous. Wow... conceeded? Yes.
I realize I've changed so much in this past semester. It's a good feeling knowing that you are becoming something better than you were. I am more focused on what I want lately. This summer defintely helped me to realize that if I have to work at something other than what I am passionate about I will lead an unfulfilling life. Knowing that success at something I don't love is so incredibly unfulfilling makes me that much more driven to be successful at what I do love. I feel like that applies to more than just theater. I am more driven this year to be successful at what ever I want, and because I have this attitude I am finally getting what I want out of life. Therefore I am happy.
Is that a selfish attitude to take... getting what I want is the way to make me happy. Well I don't really care right now. Fuck that shit. I want this internship, I want that job, I want your attention... I want any number of things at any moment in time... and I know I'm going to be successful at getting them. How empowering... clearly I'm having an extreme wave of self-confidence.
Happy Birthday to me.