i will bleed your heart through a samovar
so...this is an entry that i've been working on at intervals since yesterday afternoon.
first and foremost: all of you guys should send my friend holly good, healing vibes. i'm not going to go into why, that's her personal business, but just send positive vibes the way of holly, katie's friend. seriously. hang in there, holly love. you know where to find me if you need anything.
secondly...what a day. it was horrible. i feel ready to drop dead any second from sheer exhaustion. why is it that whenever any single good thing happens i'm immediately kicked while i'm up and forced to forget about the good things that happened? *sigh* well, the good thing is, everything's ok and worked out, but the circumstances to which i had to go just to make things okay are ridiculous. argh.
ok, so i woke up with a start when mom yelled, "katie, get up, there's a good chance you're not going to college now!" thinking, 'fuck, what now', i hurled myself out of bed and went into the dining room where mom was. she was on the phone with uwm, apparently. they'd called to say that if they didn't receive a payment of $2,760-something dollars by friday, they'd be cancelling my contract for school. let me just take this moment to explain mom and my current financial situation.
i have less than $20 to my name in my checking account at school, and $5 in savings. the money that used to reside in those accounts, along with my entire supply of graduation money, has gone to mom. mom has needed this money for bills which she cannot meet and a mortgage which she cannot pay. our money has gone to ensuring that our gas and electricity would remain fully functioning, preventing our house from foreclosing, keeping our car within our possession, and keeping our water flowing from our faucets to hydrate ourselves. the odds and ends of money left over has supplied our shelves with a loaf of bread, four cans of vegetables, lettuce, potatos, and peanut butter. this is our entire food supply at the moment. as there are only 4 slices of bread left, tomorrow we'll be taking advantage of st. vincent depaul's free bread supply for those who need it, and in a few days we'll be hitting up the food pantry of watertown. virtually nothing has been purchased the entire summer for our own comforts except the food which currently resides in our pantry. we've become very well acquainted with the value of potatos. living minimally is a household term here and a rather overstated understatement. mom's only account, her checking account, contains exactly $14. our combined wealth totals to almost $39. this summer, school supplies will not be bought, peanut butter will be eaten out of the can, lettuce will go bad but will still be eaten, moldy bread will be scraped of as much mold as possible and eaten, and things like flour and baking soda will become side dishes at meal time. i'm not exaggerating. ironically, a $9,000 surgery will be performed upon me on august 22. i think i may just change my name and identity and move to canada. yes, times are very very very hard, but when my financial aid statement arrived in the mail yesterday, i quickly forgot all of this and smiled at the generosity that's still abundant in this world. things would be okay.
back to the problem at hand. where did i leave off...ah, yes, i'd just been informed that i'd have to conjure up almost $3,000 in 3 days. i could charge $1,000 to mow peoples' lawns, but for some reason it didn't seem likely that anyone would be willing to fork over a grand to have their grass clipped. no matter how good at mowing i am. so.
when mom got off the phone, she immediately started yelling at me for this. apparently the lady she talked to claimed that i'd been informed in may that this payment would need to be made and that if i had financial aid coming through it could be paid with that money if i filled out and sent some enclosed forms. apparently they'd also emailed me. now, i check my email religiously. as in, 2 or 3 times a day. i even check my junk mail. i never ever ever ever ever EVER received an email with this information...i would swear on my life. the likelihood of me having somehow missed this email is about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1. basically, it'd be more probable for the moon to suddenly drop out of the sky and land on earth. as to the supposed forms that they emailed me, i have saved every singled tiny bit of mail i've EVER EVER EVER EVER received from uwm in a uwm folder. mom and i each went through said folder 3 times, and neither of us found a thing. she reads almost all of my uwm mail and can't remember ever seeing any such form either. what's more, every time i've had to fill out some form and send it back to them, i've done it the day i got it or the day after because i know milwaukee is horrible with losing things and the availability for everything is so limited. i filled out my housing application and sent it back the same day i got it, and i still got a triple room. so i called uwm back and told them this and they said, whatever, it doesn't matter now because even if i had the proper forms and sent them back it wouldn't matter, it's too late. so i asked them what they expect me to do, and they said i need to pay this $2,760-something by friday. i said there is no way on this goddamn earth that i'd ever be able to come up with this money, that i'm totally broke. they said, well, can't you pay 1/3 of it? almost in tears by then, i choked out a "ok, i'll call back" and turned off the phone. mom proceeded to yell at me some more, and i lost it and started bawling. how fucking typical for me to receive almost $9,000 one day to help me go to school and then be called the next day to be informed that i'm going to be kicked out before i was even let in because $2,760 of that $9,000 can't be accepted because i didn't fill out forms that i didn't receive. fucking typical. i retired to my bedroom planning to make voodoo dolls of the uwm fucks who didn't send me the infamous forms and stab them repeatedly, but mom called me back to the living room and told me to call my grandfather (her dad) and ask for money--he's loaded. the idea horrified me. i could imagine the scenario--i meekly call up and ask for a little loan--$800 worth--while he sits in his overdecorated house with his high maintenance wife (step-gram laverne) and tries to remember who i am and whether i'm crazy for asking such a thing. 1) my grandfather and his wife are a bit--er--possessive with their money. to put it nicely. the idea that he'd loan me $800 is laughable, at best. 2) i met him once, when i was eight. i don't remember much. i highly doubt he remembers me much, either. i told mom i couldn't call up a man i didn't even know and ask him for almost a grand. she suggested i call gwen. the idea was more tolerable than with my grandpa, because gwen is my sister and i know her better. however, i still felt like vommitting at the prospect of calling her up and asking her to fork over $800 to me. she is my sister, and i love her, but still, she's the eldest of the six pennell kids, and i'm the youngest. there's quite an age gap. gwen moved out of the house when i was a newborn. a great rift exists in our family which has very little to do with any of us kids but has nevertheless forced each sibling to spread out across the country and rarely see/communicate with one another. only now is this rift beginning to be bridged. still i grew up barely acquainted with my older 3 siblings, gwen, leann, and brian. i didn't see gwen again until i was 7 or so, and when i saw her, i didn't know who she was. still i only see her once every 3 years or so...but now that she's living in chicago again hopefully that will be quite a bit more often. anyways, i wish i were closer to them. i hope now that i'm leaving home and making it on my own i'll be able to spend more time with them and get to know them as people, not just those siblings of mine. they're all so awesome.
i got way off track. the point i was trying to make was that even though gwen is my sister, i see her very rarely and the prospect of calling her up out of the blue to ask for $800 was not only humiliating, but also rude. i felt horrible...not because i thought gwen would be angry at me for suggesting such a thing (she's far too gracious), but because i simply hate the idea of asking for help. i know it's silly, but god. i felt more humiliated than i've probably ever felt. anyways, i finally harnessed my nausea and pulled myself together to call gwen. i dialed, it rang a number of times, then the answering machine picked up. i left a message, trying with all my might to control the wobble in my voice, and said i just needed gwen to call me back as soon as possible, that it was relatively urgent. i hung up the phone and tried to make it back to my bedroom before all the frustration and humiliation came spilling forth, but failed. mom finally came and gave me a hug, using the opportunity to preach at me about turning back to god and praying about this. i bit back all the corrosive retorts i was willing to spew at her, thinking "how dare she use my moments of weakness as opportunities to preach at me," but luckily the phone rang. i was falling apart at the seams and couldn't answer it, so mom did. turns out it was gwen, she couldn't get to the phone in time when she heard my message. mom explained the situation, told gwen i was too upset to speak, and asked gwen if she'd be able to help us. gwen was incredibly calm and explained that she's loaned money to many people many times but has rarely been reimbursed, and if i would promise to pay her back and be honest about the loan she'd give me the money. mom told her that we wouldn't dream of skiving off on this, and that we could write a contract and sign it if she'd like. she explained that my financial aid will come through to the college and first pay off my tuition for the semester, and then the remaining amount would be issued to me in a check. this would probably happen in mid-september, but knowing milwaukee could take far longer, but as soon as i received the money i'd send gwen her reimbursement. i'd finally calmed down by then and mom gave me the phone to talk to gwen. i thanked her a number of times, but she (as always incredibly calm and serene) simply said, "oh, don't worry about it, kate. i don't want you to feel embarrassed about this or whatever...it's important that you go to college." she said she was glad to help. christ. i don't think i've ever encountered a more gracious person...she just has this air of serenity about her and isn't ruffled by a thing. it's a very calming effect. i felt better after talking to her. she and mom talked for quite a while longer, while i gathered up my uwm papers (mom and i had been rifling through them in search of the phantom forms) and organized them and returned them to their folder, and then went through my surgery information and took notes on the things i have to remember and the things i have to do prior to and after surgery...three pages worth. i just wanted to condense the info into a go-to guide. when mom finally got off the phone we discussed how awesome gwen is for a while (she would send the money straight to uwm), and then went about our tasks. i was beat...crying is such a draining activity. and i had that gross ashamed feeling that you get after you've done something bad...the thing is, i hadn't done anything bad. i suppose i just felt weak and vulnerable for having to ask for moneyto simply survive--reason #3923045835093482023474983182739 i loathe money. at least i hate the magnitude of importance it holds in today's society. but i've already ranted about that. god help me, i will be independent some day and never ever ever worry about money again.
so...that was a pretty shitty day. it would've been worse had gwen not come to the rescue. when i get off here i'm planning on cleaning up the living room, writing gwen's thank you letter, and then finishing cleaning my bedroom. i'm on a roll, it's starting to look pretty damn good.
i suppose i don't have anything more to say on this matter.
first and foremost: all of you guys should send my friend holly good, healing vibes. i'm not going to go into why, that's her personal business, but just send positive vibes the way of holly, katie's friend. seriously. hang in there, holly love. you know where to find me if you need anything.
secondly...what a day. it was horrible. i feel ready to drop dead any second from sheer exhaustion. why is it that whenever any single good thing happens i'm immediately kicked while i'm up and forced to forget about the good things that happened? *sigh* well, the good thing is, everything's ok and worked out, but the circumstances to which i had to go just to make things okay are ridiculous. argh.
ok, so i woke up with a start when mom yelled, "katie, get up, there's a good chance you're not going to college now!" thinking, 'fuck, what now', i hurled myself out of bed and went into the dining room where mom was. she was on the phone with uwm, apparently. they'd called to say that if they didn't receive a payment of $2,760-something dollars by friday, they'd be cancelling my contract for school. let me just take this moment to explain mom and my current financial situation.
i have less than $20 to my name in my checking account at school, and $5 in savings. the money that used to reside in those accounts, along with my entire supply of graduation money, has gone to mom. mom has needed this money for bills which she cannot meet and a mortgage which she cannot pay. our money has gone to ensuring that our gas and electricity would remain fully functioning, preventing our house from foreclosing, keeping our car within our possession, and keeping our water flowing from our faucets to hydrate ourselves. the odds and ends of money left over has supplied our shelves with a loaf of bread, four cans of vegetables, lettuce, potatos, and peanut butter. this is our entire food supply at the moment. as there are only 4 slices of bread left, tomorrow we'll be taking advantage of st. vincent depaul's free bread supply for those who need it, and in a few days we'll be hitting up the food pantry of watertown. virtually nothing has been purchased the entire summer for our own comforts except the food which currently resides in our pantry. we've become very well acquainted with the value of potatos. living minimally is a household term here and a rather overstated understatement. mom's only account, her checking account, contains exactly $14. our combined wealth totals to almost $39. this summer, school supplies will not be bought, peanut butter will be eaten out of the can, lettuce will go bad but will still be eaten, moldy bread will be scraped of as much mold as possible and eaten, and things like flour and baking soda will become side dishes at meal time. i'm not exaggerating. ironically, a $9,000 surgery will be performed upon me on august 22. i think i may just change my name and identity and move to canada. yes, times are very very very hard, but when my financial aid statement arrived in the mail yesterday, i quickly forgot all of this and smiled at the generosity that's still abundant in this world. things would be okay.
back to the problem at hand. where did i leave off...ah, yes, i'd just been informed that i'd have to conjure up almost $3,000 in 3 days. i could charge $1,000 to mow peoples' lawns, but for some reason it didn't seem likely that anyone would be willing to fork over a grand to have their grass clipped. no matter how good at mowing i am. so.
when mom got off the phone, she immediately started yelling at me for this. apparently the lady she talked to claimed that i'd been informed in may that this payment would need to be made and that if i had financial aid coming through it could be paid with that money if i filled out and sent some enclosed forms. apparently they'd also emailed me. now, i check my email religiously. as in, 2 or 3 times a day. i even check my junk mail. i never ever ever ever ever EVER received an email with this information...i would swear on my life. the likelihood of me having somehow missed this email is about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1. basically, it'd be more probable for the moon to suddenly drop out of the sky and land on earth. as to the supposed forms that they emailed me, i have saved every singled tiny bit of mail i've EVER EVER EVER EVER received from uwm in a uwm folder. mom and i each went through said folder 3 times, and neither of us found a thing. she reads almost all of my uwm mail and can't remember ever seeing any such form either. what's more, every time i've had to fill out some form and send it back to them, i've done it the day i got it or the day after because i know milwaukee is horrible with losing things and the availability for everything is so limited. i filled out my housing application and sent it back the same day i got it, and i still got a triple room. so i called uwm back and told them this and they said, whatever, it doesn't matter now because even if i had the proper forms and sent them back it wouldn't matter, it's too late. so i asked them what they expect me to do, and they said i need to pay this $2,760-something by friday. i said there is no way on this goddamn earth that i'd ever be able to come up with this money, that i'm totally broke. they said, well, can't you pay 1/3 of it? almost in tears by then, i choked out a "ok, i'll call back" and turned off the phone. mom proceeded to yell at me some more, and i lost it and started bawling. how fucking typical for me to receive almost $9,000 one day to help me go to school and then be called the next day to be informed that i'm going to be kicked out before i was even let in because $2,760 of that $9,000 can't be accepted because i didn't fill out forms that i didn't receive. fucking typical. i retired to my bedroom planning to make voodoo dolls of the uwm fucks who didn't send me the infamous forms and stab them repeatedly, but mom called me back to the living room and told me to call my grandfather (her dad) and ask for money--he's loaded. the idea horrified me. i could imagine the scenario--i meekly call up and ask for a little loan--$800 worth--while he sits in his overdecorated house with his high maintenance wife (step-gram laverne) and tries to remember who i am and whether i'm crazy for asking such a thing. 1) my grandfather and his wife are a bit--er--possessive with their money. to put it nicely. the idea that he'd loan me $800 is laughable, at best. 2) i met him once, when i was eight. i don't remember much. i highly doubt he remembers me much, either. i told mom i couldn't call up a man i didn't even know and ask him for almost a grand. she suggested i call gwen. the idea was more tolerable than with my grandpa, because gwen is my sister and i know her better. however, i still felt like vommitting at the prospect of calling her up and asking her to fork over $800 to me. she is my sister, and i love her, but still, she's the eldest of the six pennell kids, and i'm the youngest. there's quite an age gap. gwen moved out of the house when i was a newborn. a great rift exists in our family which has very little to do with any of us kids but has nevertheless forced each sibling to spread out across the country and rarely see/communicate with one another. only now is this rift beginning to be bridged. still i grew up barely acquainted with my older 3 siblings, gwen, leann, and brian. i didn't see gwen again until i was 7 or so, and when i saw her, i didn't know who she was. still i only see her once every 3 years or so...but now that she's living in chicago again hopefully that will be quite a bit more often. anyways, i wish i were closer to them. i hope now that i'm leaving home and making it on my own i'll be able to spend more time with them and get to know them as people, not just those siblings of mine. they're all so awesome.
i got way off track. the point i was trying to make was that even though gwen is my sister, i see her very rarely and the prospect of calling her up out of the blue to ask for $800 was not only humiliating, but also rude. i felt horrible...not because i thought gwen would be angry at me for suggesting such a thing (she's far too gracious), but because i simply hate the idea of asking for help. i know it's silly, but god. i felt more humiliated than i've probably ever felt. anyways, i finally harnessed my nausea and pulled myself together to call gwen. i dialed, it rang a number of times, then the answering machine picked up. i left a message, trying with all my might to control the wobble in my voice, and said i just needed gwen to call me back as soon as possible, that it was relatively urgent. i hung up the phone and tried to make it back to my bedroom before all the frustration and humiliation came spilling forth, but failed. mom finally came and gave me a hug, using the opportunity to preach at me about turning back to god and praying about this. i bit back all the corrosive retorts i was willing to spew at her, thinking "how dare she use my moments of weakness as opportunities to preach at me," but luckily the phone rang. i was falling apart at the seams and couldn't answer it, so mom did. turns out it was gwen, she couldn't get to the phone in time when she heard my message. mom explained the situation, told gwen i was too upset to speak, and asked gwen if she'd be able to help us. gwen was incredibly calm and explained that she's loaned money to many people many times but has rarely been reimbursed, and if i would promise to pay her back and be honest about the loan she'd give me the money. mom told her that we wouldn't dream of skiving off on this, and that we could write a contract and sign it if she'd like. she explained that my financial aid will come through to the college and first pay off my tuition for the semester, and then the remaining amount would be issued to me in a check. this would probably happen in mid-september, but knowing milwaukee could take far longer, but as soon as i received the money i'd send gwen her reimbursement. i'd finally calmed down by then and mom gave me the phone to talk to gwen. i thanked her a number of times, but she (as always incredibly calm and serene) simply said, "oh, don't worry about it, kate. i don't want you to feel embarrassed about this or whatever...it's important that you go to college." she said she was glad to help. christ. i don't think i've ever encountered a more gracious person...she just has this air of serenity about her and isn't ruffled by a thing. it's a very calming effect. i felt better after talking to her. she and mom talked for quite a while longer, while i gathered up my uwm papers (mom and i had been rifling through them in search of the phantom forms) and organized them and returned them to their folder, and then went through my surgery information and took notes on the things i have to remember and the things i have to do prior to and after surgery...three pages worth. i just wanted to condense the info into a go-to guide. when mom finally got off the phone we discussed how awesome gwen is for a while (she would send the money straight to uwm), and then went about our tasks. i was beat...crying is such a draining activity. and i had that gross ashamed feeling that you get after you've done something bad...the thing is, i hadn't done anything bad. i suppose i just felt weak and vulnerable for having to ask for moneyto simply survive--reason #3923045835093482023474983182739 i loathe money. at least i hate the magnitude of importance it holds in today's society. but i've already ranted about that. god help me, i will be independent some day and never ever ever worry about money again.
so...that was a pretty shitty day. it would've been worse had gwen not come to the rescue. when i get off here i'm planning on cleaning up the living room, writing gwen's thank you letter, and then finishing cleaning my bedroom. i'm on a roll, it's starting to look pretty damn good.
i suppose i don't have anything more to say on this matter.