I had a great conversation with Rachel tonight
Here are some excerpts.
ThE MaAd haTter: in the past month, I realised it will probably take my whole lifetime for me to figure out who I am, and by then I'm going to be a lonely old asshole with no kids, because I blew off relationships being self-centered, and I'm not really helping myself much that way
"Rachel": i think when all that happens..u will be great..and u will be u..just a polished version of you
ThE MaAd haTter: the only way you can find someone you can connect with is by trial and error, and I'd like to get back on the dating track
"Rachel": i love ya to death ryan...but i always want to take a cattle prod and poke you in the ass to make u move
ThE MaAd haTter: everyone's been saying that lately... I need to get up off my ass
ThE MaAd haTter: seriously, I don't think I could ever make a move on a girl, either, I never have, because I've always just had one jump me while I wasn't looking, you know?
"Rachel": LOL
ThE MaAd haTter: literally jump on me
"Rachel": i cant help you there
ThE MaAd haTter: I'm not at all flirtatious, I just happen to attract girls when I least expect it
"Rachel": yeah, im probably so the wrong person to talk about this to
"Rachel": cus i refuse to date while im in school
"Rachel": whcih is ..if we be honest..my way to sound like i know what the fuck im doing and my way to sound grounded an din control..but its really just that i cant deal with rltshps or guys in general
ThE MaAd haTter: it's a good thing you realise you're struggling for control and punishing yourself for it, maybe you should do something about it
"Rachel": im in classes with 18 yr old frat boys who wanna sneak into bars
"Rachel": im 26 and i have a kid...i may as well have a cane and walk with alimp...eat dinner at four and take my teeth out when i go to bed
ThE MaAd haTter: let's face it, you could use the same excuse fresh out of college, while you're building a career, all the way through retirement, you're just procrastinating
ThE MaAd haTter: and you aren't getting any younger, by the time you start dating again you'll be that old
"Rachel": and then...its the same thing over and over again..ive analyzed that
ThE MaAd haTter: it is a pattern
ThE MaAd haTter: that's why people have mid-life crises
"Rachel": i thought it was cus they werent getting any
ThE MaAd haTter: you get to 40 or 35 or whatever, and you realise "jesus, I'm such a dumbass, I focused on everything I wanted to be rather than who I am, and now I don't know who I am, so I'd better buy a porche and pick up 18-year-olds who want to sneak into bars"
"Rachel": lol
"Rachel": which is true..sounds bad..but its true
ThE MaAd haTter: I should know, I had my mid-life crisis at 21, when my ex told me she loved me
"Rachel": you too? my ex told me he loved me and i flipped out and made him think he did something wrong so that he felt bad about it like it was his fault when i broke up with him
"Rachel": i was like love? what? suffocating..cant breathe..no good..air...get out now...now..now...NOW dammit..move soldiers..move lol
ThE MaAd haTter: don't be so down on yourself, you are who you are, and even if you wanted to change that, it would really be an attempt to make everyone else like you more, when it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you, it matters about you being who you want to be
"Rachel": was that the same thing that happened with u?
ThE MaAd haTter: it's like, someone tells you they love you, and you can't accept it, because you aren't allowed to be loved, you won't let yourself love them, and you don't love yourself enough that you can justify someone else liking you for who you are
ThE MaAd haTter: so you break up with that someone, try to tell yourself it was all just a sexual thing, and they were foolish to have thought they loved you
ThE MaAd haTter: I ended up going back and having sex with her one more time, just to prove to myself that it was all about sex, and I had no idea how much it hurt her to go through that
ThE MaAd haTter: at the time
"Rachel": that couldnt have been good
"Rachel": my ex told me he loved me..and i was like uh..uhh...i like u too
"Rachel": i was like wtf how can he love me..hes been with me like two months..hes fucking crazy
"Rachel": so then he told me that next week that he was at sometjhing...some like camping thing...i dunno..its a big event for farm boys and girls run topless or flash or something..
"Rachel": and he told me an di was like OMG i cant bleiev eu went to that..and u looked..im so pissed.i cant be with someone whose that dirty and perverted to be somewhere where girls flash ppl...
"Rachel": made him feel like he was the jerk..and broke up withhim..nice and tidy..ya see and that was my last rltshp..that was uh 2 yrs ago
ThE MaAd haTter: I basically did the same thing, but went back for sex, which I proved I'm no good at meaningless sex
ThE MaAd haTter: and my car runs, it just won't run for more than half an hour without cooling down like I can get to McCutcheon in about 15-20 minutes, depending on how many tractors are in the way
"Rachel": LOL
ThE MaAd haTter: actually, I want to go to the park sometime and either walk the dog around and let him get out, or go to the columbian park zoo
"Rachel": the zoo is closed fool
ThE MaAd haTter: why is it closed?
"Rachel": renovation, more space..better land for the animals to enjoy, pick up a paper or something sometime lol
ThE MaAd haTter: I'm not really into the paper or other media, and women are retarded from being so complicated that they confuse themselves
ThE MaAd haTter: for instance, here's a good example: I was reading something in Cosmo awhile back about how guys tend to have magazines full of half-naked girls in them, and Cosmo is pretty much nothing but pictures of half-naked girls
ThE MaAd haTter: I hate the news
ThE MaAd haTter: it always has bad things to tell me, like the zoo is closed
"Rachel": LOL thats funny
"Rachel": and true
"Rachel": i hate cosmo
"Rachel": how to make him think ur awesome in bed:
ThE MaAd haTter: I love cosmo
"Rachel": wear clothes that are sexy..but not too sexy..we recoomend this 200 dollar camisole
ThE MaAd haTter: I like taking the quizzes for fun
"Rachel": lie to him about stuff like how many guys you've slept with and how much you ate today
ThE MaAd haTter: and I love the articles, they're actually better for guys to read than GQ
"Rachel": serve him breakfast in bed...stuff your pride...and put the womens movement back like 500 years..ready set go
"Rachel": yeah they probably are lol
ThE MaAd haTter: lmao
ThE MaAd haTter: eat things off of each other
ThE MaAd haTter: put a line of candles into the bedroom, get some champagne, make a wholesome dinner for two, dress like a whore, then wait for him to call and say he's not going to be home until late because he's sleeping with his secretary, try again tomorrow
"Rachel": LMAO
ThE MaAd haTter: oh yeah, I'd probably see you at work if I ever felt like going to the mall and wading through a sea of half-dressed middle-school chicks
"Rachel": i got the job at the mall for xmas help and they kept me on
"Rachel": its lotsa fun...il ike it..but its dangerous cus i want EVERYTHING
ThE MaAd haTter: lol
"Rachel": do u have a celly? im thinkin..no?
ThE MaAd haTter: I positively hate cell phones
ThE MaAd haTter: they are a distraction to communication
"Rachel": lol ok
"Rachel": didnt realize u were striking telephones
ThE MaAd haTter: well, shit, noone can drive anymore
"Rachel": lol
ThE MaAd haTter: and you can't sit through a movie or a nice dinner in a PUBLIC PLACE without someone's fucking phone going off
"Rachel": u have phone issues man
ThE MaAd haTter: I was a telemarketer for over 8 months, I never want to talk on a phone again unless it's an emergency or I'm scheduling something
ThE MaAd haTter: if someone calls my house I'm like "It's me, what do you want?"
ThE MaAd haTter: and they'll be like "oh I just called because I wanted to talk to you." and I'm like "cool, I'll meet you somewhere and we can talk"
"Rachel": u cant gimme that...cus u used to call me just to talk too...hypocrite man
ThE MaAd haTter: but I don't anymore
ThE MaAd haTter: I'm not a hypocrite, I just changed
"Rachel": the great phone awakening :)
ThE MaAd haTter: maybe we can go out and get a margarita sometime, I love margaritas and I broke the blender, and the duct tape won't hold it together well
ThE MaAd haTter: for some reason...
ThE MaAd haTter: I have a like $30 paycheck, so I could afford a good margarita
"Rachel": lol ok
Also, while talking to Erin, I came up with the best idea ever:
ThE MaAd haTter: lol maybe I should get my testicles tattooed like pool balls
and, she alerted me that my lj name looks like Fat Halo. Good times.
ThE MaAd haTter: in the past month, I realised it will probably take my whole lifetime for me to figure out who I am, and by then I'm going to be a lonely old asshole with no kids, because I blew off relationships being self-centered, and I'm not really helping myself much that way
"Rachel": i think when all that happens..u will be great..and u will be u..just a polished version of you
ThE MaAd haTter: the only way you can find someone you can connect with is by trial and error, and I'd like to get back on the dating track
"Rachel": i love ya to death ryan...but i always want to take a cattle prod and poke you in the ass to make u move
ThE MaAd haTter: everyone's been saying that lately... I need to get up off my ass
ThE MaAd haTter: seriously, I don't think I could ever make a move on a girl, either, I never have, because I've always just had one jump me while I wasn't looking, you know?
"Rachel": LOL
ThE MaAd haTter: literally jump on me
"Rachel": i cant help you there
ThE MaAd haTter: I'm not at all flirtatious, I just happen to attract girls when I least expect it
"Rachel": yeah, im probably so the wrong person to talk about this to
"Rachel": cus i refuse to date while im in school
"Rachel": whcih is ..if we be honest..my way to sound like i know what the fuck im doing and my way to sound grounded an din control..but its really just that i cant deal with rltshps or guys in general
ThE MaAd haTter: it's a good thing you realise you're struggling for control and punishing yourself for it, maybe you should do something about it
"Rachel": im in classes with 18 yr old frat boys who wanna sneak into bars
"Rachel": im 26 and i have a kid...i may as well have a cane and walk with alimp...eat dinner at four and take my teeth out when i go to bed
ThE MaAd haTter: let's face it, you could use the same excuse fresh out of college, while you're building a career, all the way through retirement, you're just procrastinating
ThE MaAd haTter: and you aren't getting any younger, by the time you start dating again you'll be that old
"Rachel": and then...its the same thing over and over again..ive analyzed that
ThE MaAd haTter: it is a pattern
ThE MaAd haTter: that's why people have mid-life crises
"Rachel": i thought it was cus they werent getting any
ThE MaAd haTter: you get to 40 or 35 or whatever, and you realise "jesus, I'm such a dumbass, I focused on everything I wanted to be rather than who I am, and now I don't know who I am, so I'd better buy a porche and pick up 18-year-olds who want to sneak into bars"
"Rachel": lol
"Rachel": which is true..sounds bad..but its true
ThE MaAd haTter: I should know, I had my mid-life crisis at 21, when my ex told me she loved me
"Rachel": you too? my ex told me he loved me and i flipped out and made him think he did something wrong so that he felt bad about it like it was his fault when i broke up with him
"Rachel": i was like love? what? suffocating..cant breathe..no good..air...get out now...now..now...NOW dammit..move soldiers..move lol
ThE MaAd haTter: don't be so down on yourself, you are who you are, and even if you wanted to change that, it would really be an attempt to make everyone else like you more, when it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you, it matters about you being who you want to be
"Rachel": was that the same thing that happened with u?
ThE MaAd haTter: it's like, someone tells you they love you, and you can't accept it, because you aren't allowed to be loved, you won't let yourself love them, and you don't love yourself enough that you can justify someone else liking you for who you are
ThE MaAd haTter: so you break up with that someone, try to tell yourself it was all just a sexual thing, and they were foolish to have thought they loved you
ThE MaAd haTter: I ended up going back and having sex with her one more time, just to prove to myself that it was all about sex, and I had no idea how much it hurt her to go through that
ThE MaAd haTter: at the time
"Rachel": that couldnt have been good
"Rachel": my ex told me he loved me..and i was like uh..uhh...i like u too
"Rachel": i was like wtf how can he love me..hes been with me like two months..hes fucking crazy
"Rachel": so then he told me that next week that he was at sometjhing...some like camping thing...i dunno..its a big event for farm boys and girls run topless or flash or something..
"Rachel": and he told me an di was like OMG i cant bleiev eu went to that..and u looked..im so pissed.i cant be with someone whose that dirty and perverted to be somewhere where girls flash ppl...
"Rachel": made him feel like he was the jerk..and broke up withhim..nice and tidy..ya see and that was my last rltshp..that was uh 2 yrs ago
ThE MaAd haTter: I basically did the same thing, but went back for sex, which I proved I'm no good at meaningless sex
ThE MaAd haTter: and my car runs, it just won't run for more than half an hour without cooling down like I can get to McCutcheon in about 15-20 minutes, depending on how many tractors are in the way
"Rachel": LOL
ThE MaAd haTter: actually, I want to go to the park sometime and either walk the dog around and let him get out, or go to the columbian park zoo
"Rachel": the zoo is closed fool
ThE MaAd haTter: why is it closed?
"Rachel": renovation, more space..better land for the animals to enjoy, pick up a paper or something sometime lol
ThE MaAd haTter: I'm not really into the paper or other media, and women are retarded from being so complicated that they confuse themselves
ThE MaAd haTter: for instance, here's a good example: I was reading something in Cosmo awhile back about how guys tend to have magazines full of half-naked girls in them, and Cosmo is pretty much nothing but pictures of half-naked girls
ThE MaAd haTter: I hate the news
ThE MaAd haTter: it always has bad things to tell me, like the zoo is closed
"Rachel": LOL thats funny
"Rachel": and true
"Rachel": i hate cosmo
"Rachel": how to make him think ur awesome in bed:
ThE MaAd haTter: I love cosmo
"Rachel": wear clothes that are sexy..but not too sexy..we recoomend this 200 dollar camisole
ThE MaAd haTter: I like taking the quizzes for fun
"Rachel": lie to him about stuff like how many guys you've slept with and how much you ate today
ThE MaAd haTter: and I love the articles, they're actually better for guys to read than GQ
"Rachel": serve him breakfast in bed...stuff your pride...and put the womens movement back like 500 years..ready set go
"Rachel": yeah they probably are lol
ThE MaAd haTter: lmao
ThE MaAd haTter: eat things off of each other
ThE MaAd haTter: put a line of candles into the bedroom, get some champagne, make a wholesome dinner for two, dress like a whore, then wait for him to call and say he's not going to be home until late because he's sleeping with his secretary, try again tomorrow
"Rachel": LMAO
ThE MaAd haTter: oh yeah, I'd probably see you at work if I ever felt like going to the mall and wading through a sea of half-dressed middle-school chicks
"Rachel": i got the job at the mall for xmas help and they kept me on
"Rachel": its lotsa fun...il ike it..but its dangerous cus i want EVERYTHING
ThE MaAd haTter: lol
"Rachel": do u have a celly? im thinkin..no?
ThE MaAd haTter: I positively hate cell phones
ThE MaAd haTter: they are a distraction to communication
"Rachel": lol ok
"Rachel": didnt realize u were striking telephones
ThE MaAd haTter: well, shit, noone can drive anymore
"Rachel": lol
ThE MaAd haTter: and you can't sit through a movie or a nice dinner in a PUBLIC PLACE without someone's fucking phone going off
"Rachel": u have phone issues man
ThE MaAd haTter: I was a telemarketer for over 8 months, I never want to talk on a phone again unless it's an emergency or I'm scheduling something
ThE MaAd haTter: if someone calls my house I'm like "It's me, what do you want?"
ThE MaAd haTter: and they'll be like "oh I just called because I wanted to talk to you." and I'm like "cool, I'll meet you somewhere and we can talk"
"Rachel": u cant gimme that...cus u used to call me just to talk too...hypocrite man
ThE MaAd haTter: but I don't anymore
ThE MaAd haTter: I'm not a hypocrite, I just changed
"Rachel": the great phone awakening :)
ThE MaAd haTter: maybe we can go out and get a margarita sometime, I love margaritas and I broke the blender, and the duct tape won't hold it together well
ThE MaAd haTter: for some reason...
ThE MaAd haTter: I have a like $30 paycheck, so I could afford a good margarita
"Rachel": lol ok
Also, while talking to Erin, I came up with the best idea ever:
ThE MaAd haTter: lol maybe I should get my testicles tattooed like pool balls
and, she alerted me that my lj name looks like Fat Halo. Good times.