"Higher" "education"
So I've noticed a lot of my friends here, a huge proportion actually, are going directly to grad school from here. Fuck that, on so many levels (but mainly monetary and quality of life). It was always assumed to be an option, so much that my mother was shocked and appalled when I told her I'm not taking the GRE. In fact, the longer I am here the more I am waking up to how I want to be out of the higher education system yesterday. I hate everything about it except breaks, socializing and reading on my own when I get the chance. Plus, my degree program is the theory and practice of BS, and it's exhausting to pretend to care. The only reason I am still here is that so far, the alternatives would be worse. Upon graduation, however, the worse alternative in my situation will clearly be grad school. Besides, graduate-level research actually sucks because the work is virtually never over. I know because I'm doing it.
Sometimes I still reflect on why I'm here in the first place, having seen through the "culture of achievement" for so long. The answer is that I hated high school and my parents' house, and college was the only way out that didn't involve living with my parents paralyzed due to lack of $ and car. My only conceivable future was presented to me (by my parents and TWO insipid guidance counselors) was clearly mapped out: Go to a four-year college (preferably a small all-women's college. Hey, at least I broke free of that one, by transferring of my own initiative), major in the liberal arts, and be a K-12 teacher or a librarian. Good benefits; stability; traditionally female and the only options for "smart girls"; no risks; nothing out of the ordinary. Well, guess what mom and pops, I'm already beyond bored with this risk-averse path that ends only in mediocraty. This time I have enough options and self-awareness to not blindly stumble along it again this time.
I want to quit college so bad (I've wanted to quit every fall semester and most of the spring ones too, of course), but I have to force myself to stay here long enough to collect my next refund check, get my diploma and travel. Hopefully I can hang out in NC, NY, California, Russia and Hungary.
All that remains is to make it through this last year, which means grueling long-term projects and less motivation than ever. Even though I have nothing to fall back on (except my parents' house, ugh) if I fail just one class, I can't motivate myself. Looming doom and negative reinforcement have never motivated me, and I'm no good at tricking myself into abiding my by own arbitrary rules and rewarding myself because I know I can just reward myself NOW. Even caffiene doesn't a damned thing for my procrastination anymore, further proving that the problem is psychological (a "disease of the will," if I may). Willpower actually is likely not the true source of the problem, but rather that I. FUCKING. HATE. COLLEGE. And don't care about it, and nothing people can say will force me to. (Trust me, it hasn't worked in four years and two colleges.)
Sometimes I still reflect on why I'm here in the first place, having seen through the "culture of achievement" for so long. The answer is that I hated high school and my parents' house, and college was the only way out that didn't involve living with my parents paralyzed due to lack of $ and car. My only conceivable future was presented to me (by my parents and TWO insipid guidance counselors) was clearly mapped out: Go to a four-year college (preferably a small all-women's college. Hey, at least I broke free of that one, by transferring of my own initiative), major in the liberal arts, and be a K-12 teacher or a librarian. Good benefits; stability; traditionally female and the only options for "smart girls"; no risks; nothing out of the ordinary. Well, guess what mom and pops, I'm already beyond bored with this risk-averse path that ends only in mediocraty. This time I have enough options and self-awareness to not blindly stumble along it again this time.
I want to quit college so bad (I've wanted to quit every fall semester and most of the spring ones too, of course), but I have to force myself to stay here long enough to collect my next refund check, get my diploma and travel. Hopefully I can hang out in NC, NY, California, Russia and Hungary.
All that remains is to make it through this last year, which means grueling long-term projects and less motivation than ever. Even though I have nothing to fall back on (except my parents' house, ugh) if I fail just one class, I can't motivate myself. Looming doom and negative reinforcement have never motivated me, and I'm no good at tricking myself into abiding my by own arbitrary rules and rewarding myself because I know I can just reward myself NOW. Even caffiene doesn't a damned thing for my procrastination anymore, further proving that the problem is psychological (a "disease of the will," if I may). Willpower actually is likely not the true source of the problem, but rather that I. FUCKING. HATE. COLLEGE. And don't care about it, and nothing people can say will force me to. (Trust me, it hasn't worked in four years and two colleges.)