As clear as Blue
Still in Sweden. Headed for Boston in a while. If anyone cares. Having fun here! Would say more but.. naaaah.
[Rest of this is a private post. Got rather rambly, but Bo always has been. Wrote it for !PJ. Thank you for all your patience this summer! ]
I shelved the book I had just finished reading as PJ talked to Wilma, his deeper voice overlaid by her soft sleepy one. I have a pretty good guess at how sappy I look, but I can't help it. Wilma already has me half wrapped around her finger.
The other half of me is pretty much wound around PJ's finger.
Never had I ever thought I'd be in a situation like this. Three years ago, I didn't want anyone. Two years ago, I was Ray's. Then I lost him and I thought that was it for me.
Now there's PJ.
I had thought my relationship with Ray had been lucky chance, but being with PJ really was. Neither of us were looking for anything when this started. We knew each other of course, but my two months in Boston had been uneasy for everyone on the team then. We didn't really get a chance to talk until after the season.
Half the time, I think we came together just because both of us were tired of sleeping alone.
I honestly thought that's all our relationship was, for the most part. That and friendship. Until he said I might as well live with him in Boston instead of getting my own place.
Even then.... I had no idea.
But now?
With Wilma?
It's a lot deeper than I had let myself realize it was. I wonder if he realizes it yet.
Seeing Ray at Brian's wedding, feeling the old feelings of love/inadequacy/longing/ache really opened my eyes.
I don’t think I slept at all that night. I just lay thinking, listening to PJ breathe and feel the warmth of his body wrapped up with mine. How easy it was to be there with him when there were no expectations.
With Ray I had gotten caught up in things. The high of those few days of being the preseason golden boy and coming together with Ray can never really be separated for me. Then the crush of being eventually sent down, and the rest… Being called back up just to get hurt. Sent up and down, being traded to Chicago.. not making the team there. My confidence got shot to hell and Ray had been entwined with it all.
When we broke up, it had been as much relief as ache. No more expectations that I had set for myself to reach for anymore.
Now.. still none.
But I will never, could never do anything to jeopardize things for PJ and Wilma.
But I think I see clearer now. Clear like the blue of PJ’s eyes.
And now?
Now maybe this will become something. An ache I never knew was there is being soothed by Wilma’s soft little sigh of “Good night Brandon.”
Soothed by the soft smile on PJ’s face as he wraps his arms around me and tugs out of the room.
Clear as the blue of PJ’s eyes, I know.
I know that I like this… A lot.
I want this to stay.
[Rest of this is a private post. Got rather rambly, but Bo always has been. Wrote it for !PJ. Thank you for all your patience this summer! ]
I shelved the book I had just finished reading as PJ talked to Wilma, his deeper voice overlaid by her soft sleepy one. I have a pretty good guess at how sappy I look, but I can't help it. Wilma already has me half wrapped around her finger.
The other half of me is pretty much wound around PJ's finger.
Never had I ever thought I'd be in a situation like this. Three years ago, I didn't want anyone. Two years ago, I was Ray's. Then I lost him and I thought that was it for me.
Now there's PJ.
I had thought my relationship with Ray had been lucky chance, but being with PJ really was. Neither of us were looking for anything when this started. We knew each other of course, but my two months in Boston had been uneasy for everyone on the team then. We didn't really get a chance to talk until after the season.
Half the time, I think we came together just because both of us were tired of sleeping alone.
I honestly thought that's all our relationship was, for the most part. That and friendship. Until he said I might as well live with him in Boston instead of getting my own place.
Even then.... I had no idea.
But now?
With Wilma?
It's a lot deeper than I had let myself realize it was. I wonder if he realizes it yet.
Seeing Ray at Brian's wedding, feeling the old feelings of love/inadequacy/longing/ache really opened my eyes.
I don’t think I slept at all that night. I just lay thinking, listening to PJ breathe and feel the warmth of his body wrapped up with mine. How easy it was to be there with him when there were no expectations.
With Ray I had gotten caught up in things. The high of those few days of being the preseason golden boy and coming together with Ray can never really be separated for me. Then the crush of being eventually sent down, and the rest… Being called back up just to get hurt. Sent up and down, being traded to Chicago.. not making the team there. My confidence got shot to hell and Ray had been entwined with it all.
When we broke up, it had been as much relief as ache. No more expectations that I had set for myself to reach for anymore.
Now.. still none.
But I will never, could never do anything to jeopardize things for PJ and Wilma.
But I think I see clearer now. Clear like the blue of PJ’s eyes.
And now?
Now maybe this will become something. An ache I never knew was there is being soothed by Wilma’s soft little sigh of “Good night Brandon.”
Soothed by the soft smile on PJ’s face as he wraps his arms around me and tugs out of the room.
Clear as the blue of PJ’s eyes, I know.
I know that I like this… A lot.
I want this to stay.