Why?
Tea is very good. Best drink ever. I've decided this... Sorry, that was random.
These questions don't require answers. I don't even think there are. They're just thoughts, in the form of questions... They're only a few thoughts, not even close to everything. There are some that I can never remember when I go to write them or talk about them.
I'm just wondering..... Why do I hate myself so much? I never knew it was possible to dislike someone so much the way I do myself. My friends say that I'm wrong when I say mean things about myself. Why can't I believe a word they say? Why do I think they're lying? Why have I always thought this way? I always have, just not to this extent. I wasn't good enough to get my UNC application fee waived, I was 3 points under. Why am I never good enough? Why do I always think I've failed at everything I try? Why do I have this big feeling that I won't get into a college, and when if I do I'll fail miserably in ALL aspects? It's just one of those feelings, like those feelings I get when something bad is about to happen and it does. Mrs Schieffelin showed me the things that are good on my transcript, like going beyond with foreign languages and crap like theat. But why can't I see that? Why are my expectations for myself too high?
Why do I always think my ideas, and thoughts, and writings, and.... everything is completely horrible? The worst things ever?
Why does it feel like I'm a burden on my friends when I try to talk? Or... anything, for that matter? Why does it always feel like they're too busy? Or that I shouldn't?
Why does it feel like my life will end in June? That there is nothing for me? I was told that I'm confusd because I have so many options with what I can do in college, and for my life. But why does it feel like they're closed off? Restricted to just me? That I don't have ANY options at all?
Why is the devil whispering things in my head? Why is he tormenting, torturing me? There are some things going on with that... that are scaring me to death and that I can't even begin to talk about. They're hard to explain to my friends, when they don't believe in God and things like that. But why doesn't he answer me anymore?*sighs* It feels like every aspect of me... my mind, spirit, liveliness... is dead but my body hasn't gotten the message.
Why am I not allowed to know what love feels like? What love is? I think I'm doomed to wonder this disolate world alone. The only kind of love that I'm thinking exists is God's love. But even that is being hard to grasp right now. And I know "God's love is all you need.. blah. blah." But I'm sick of this hate that is being shown from the world and myself. Why aren't I allowed to randomly hang out with my friends? It's hard to work where I do. You see fiends hanging out there a lot, and families, and couples.. Something I can never have.
Heh, I knew it wouldn't happen. I was supposed to hang out with James, Megan, Robin, and Ronnie. But of course it wouldn't happen. Truthfully, I wasn't counting on it to. It never does. I can make plans with someone and they always get broken. Or, I'm just forgotten and the plans are carried out anyway. I'm not being pessimistic or anything, it's just the way it works. And I know it's me, because I'm a looser like that.
I might post a few poems or something that I wrote. I just don't think they're good enough to read
I know I shouldn't be thinking these things, but they're what is being told and shown to me. So it's really hard...
Man... I could sure go for a hugh... or something right now.
*Lindsay