A rambling abou life
I had this cool entry for my lj all mapped out in my head,
but, of course, when I went to write, it all went way.
So now I'm just rambling.
I think I'm getting worse since my last blog was written.
I feel... Trap, and there's no way out.
I feel... numb, and I SOB a lot. Almost consistently.
I feel... Even more lonely and depressed than ever.
>And I've been lonely and depressed as hell.
I feel... Like this is it. This pethetic life is only going to get worse and it's going to kill me when it does.
There are some other things, but I don't trust people on this site to say.
This break, though much needed, sucks.
With the exception of Christmas and the party at work, it's only been of despair and loneliness.
I just... don't know what to do anymore.
I can't wait for that Europe trip.
It's much needed, to say the least.
Only, I don't think I'd want to come back.
>Heh, Mrs. Sheffelin said:
to get together with friends,
that friends will help - and make it much easier.
> Heh, BS. Hard to do.
Some, or most of my friends are only around when they want something or to make fun of me.
>Heh, let's see her be antisocial with no friends around and do that.
Too hard.
I don't need friends, I need God.
Big time.
I'm sorry, but...
Friends... suck, in general.
They just do.
I know, that sounds harsh.
But I can't help to say it.
... can't be trusted.
And I'm just so confused.
Because eventhough I say that,
I'm still longing with all of my might for someone in my life,
For this loneliness to go away.
And, if you get a call, text message, IM, or if you hang out with people,
And by hanging out, I don't mean talking to them about school or work and leaving it there.
and you spend ALL of your time away from school, work, and church in a dark basement, not talking to anyone.
Then, you have no idea what my loneliness is like.
Man, I wish I could drop AP English.
But I can't. Not allowed to.
And I wish I had some one to work on with this DBQ.
Feels like the class is torchering me, and my 'friends' and 'partner' isn't even there.
~ And I may be over dramatic about being ditched by them, but I can't take being left up, then dropped back down to rock bottum again.
I would like to as happy as I can be, or just at rock bottum.
Just something consistant, please.
On the Plus Side:
> Brett called and Love Rides the Rails, a play I worked on over the summer but never performed might be back. He's having a meeting with Risa and Bryan.
I hope so.
It made my summer.
It really did.
> And there's that trip to look forward to and prepare for.
I'm so grateful to have a graduation gift like that.
* I hope everyone had a lovely New Years.. *insert sarcastic tone* Can't be as eventful as mine, though. Homework, ice cream, some more homework, and in bed at 9:00pm.
* I know that the very few people, if any, who read this are sick of reading all of this depressed crap.
And I'm sorry, but if you don't like it, tough. I'm stuck like this, and I don't know how to fiz it.
And I'm sorry that it's so long.
*Lindsay