The fall of cinema
You have my permission to punch anybody who saw this movie and liked it right in their fucking face.
VAN HELSING
"If this spawns a sequel, I will kill myself along with anyone else in the room"
Ok, before I start this review, I have to do one thing.
Ahem.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOLYJESUSTHISMOVIEISHORRIBLEI
WANTTOTHROWMYSELFOFFOFATALLBUILDINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOH
GODAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
That wasn’t even to take up space. The truth is, your head will HURT after you finish this movie. You will exit the theater screaming. You will question your own existence.
I knew this movie was going to be bad from the trailer. Simply based on the premise, there is no way they could do justice to one of the greatest comic book characters ever (ok, I’m just assuming that, as I don’t actually read comic books), and most vampire movies tend to suck (Exceptions: Blade, Blade 2). I also knew there was no possible way they could do justice to werewolves.
It’s a funny thing about werewolves; they are depicted differently in almost every film. The werewolves in An American Werewolf In London and Underworld (the one where Kate Beckinsale is a GOOD actor) are very different indeed. Sometimes they are depicted as human from the waste down and they simply grow hair; other times they actually turn into monstrous wolves. Vampires also have a similar format; the Vampires from Blade were all around cool and very much human, whereas the vampires in Van Helsing had bad lines and looked like harpies.
Their lines were bad too. Almost every line in this movie made me cringe. If you are going to watch this movie, I advice you to cover your ears every time a vampire speaks, or you might “accidentally” punch Alex in the face out of pure frustration. I mean, come on. The only lines that were well delivered were from the great Hugh Jackson#, and although well said, the lines sucked originally. I suppose that’s what you get when the scriptwriters hate you.
Other lines were well worded# but the delivery could not be pulled off. Part of this is from the fact that no one could pull off a convincing accent save for Luigi, who I actually heard in this movie.
Now we move onto the second ingredient in a movie: character development.
---Character development? What’s that?
At this point the only thing that could feasibly redeem this movie would be decent action sequences. Yet one hoping such would be sorely disappointed I’m afraid.
I do, however, have to admit that there were two action sketches that were almost sublime. A cow was thrown into a tree. And, of course, Kate Beckinsale jumped off the building horizontally, slammed into a tree, hit a branch, and got up, unscathed.
WHO THE HELL CHOREOGRAPHED THAT!
Alongside the people who intentionally destroyed the script because they weren’t getting paid enough were the plot writers and whoever makes sure there is continuity in the scenes. The plot writers decided that Van Helsing had to kill a bunch of mystical creatures so that he could get his memory back. Dracula hints that it was he who killed him 400 years ago.
WHOA! Ignoring the fact that it doesn’t make any sense for him to chase down Dracula in the first place, Van Helsing just found out he is over 400 years old! That’s almost as good as him actually getting his memory back and revealing what the hell is going on to the audience. Right?
You know those movies where its all mysterious and the plot comes together piece by piece until the twist at the end reveals all, and you are forced there to wait patiently until that happens? Well, Van Helsing isn’t one of those movies. In fact, it never reveals the twist. It never completes the plot.
Now lets talk continuity. It always amazes me that a movie COULD be put together decently, and little oversights can ruin any credentials that movie has. For instance:
---In one scene, a vampire knocks Van Helsing down into a bushel of hay. In the next cut, he is flying the other direction into a barrel. Then he flies into a wall. I wish I had made that up. I really do.
---My personal favorite is where Frankenstein swings on a rope from a bridge, and saves Kate Beckinsale by crashing through a window into a vampire. So what’s the problem? The window is in a tower. 200 feet above the bridge. And he swings downward....
---This movie sucks
VAN HELSING
"If this spawns a sequel, I will kill myself along with anyone else in the room"
Ok, before I start this review, I have to do one thing.
Ahem.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOLYJESUSTHISMOVIEISHORRIBLEI
WANTTOTHROWMYSELFOFFOFATALLBUILDINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOH
GODAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
That wasn’t even to take up space. The truth is, your head will HURT after you finish this movie. You will exit the theater screaming. You will question your own existence.
I knew this movie was going to be bad from the trailer. Simply based on the premise, there is no way they could do justice to one of the greatest comic book characters ever (ok, I’m just assuming that, as I don’t actually read comic books), and most vampire movies tend to suck (Exceptions: Blade, Blade 2). I also knew there was no possible way they could do justice to werewolves.
It’s a funny thing about werewolves; they are depicted differently in almost every film. The werewolves in An American Werewolf In London and Underworld (the one where Kate Beckinsale is a GOOD actor) are very different indeed. Sometimes they are depicted as human from the waste down and they simply grow hair; other times they actually turn into monstrous wolves. Vampires also have a similar format; the Vampires from Blade were all around cool and very much human, whereas the vampires in Van Helsing had bad lines and looked like harpies.
Their lines were bad too. Almost every line in this movie made me cringe. If you are going to watch this movie, I advice you to cover your ears every time a vampire speaks, or you might “accidentally” punch Alex in the face out of pure frustration. I mean, come on. The only lines that were well delivered were from the great Hugh Jackson#, and although well said, the lines sucked originally. I suppose that’s what you get when the scriptwriters hate you.
Other lines were well worded# but the delivery could not be pulled off. Part of this is from the fact that no one could pull off a convincing accent save for Luigi, who I actually heard in this movie.
Now we move onto the second ingredient in a movie: character development.
---Character development? What’s that?
At this point the only thing that could feasibly redeem this movie would be decent action sequences. Yet one hoping such would be sorely disappointed I’m afraid.
I do, however, have to admit that there were two action sketches that were almost sublime. A cow was thrown into a tree. And, of course, Kate Beckinsale jumped off the building horizontally, slammed into a tree, hit a branch, and got up, unscathed.
WHO THE HELL CHOREOGRAPHED THAT!
Alongside the people who intentionally destroyed the script because they weren’t getting paid enough were the plot writers and whoever makes sure there is continuity in the scenes. The plot writers decided that Van Helsing had to kill a bunch of mystical creatures so that he could get his memory back. Dracula hints that it was he who killed him 400 years ago.
WHOA! Ignoring the fact that it doesn’t make any sense for him to chase down Dracula in the first place, Van Helsing just found out he is over 400 years old! That’s almost as good as him actually getting his memory back and revealing what the hell is going on to the audience. Right?
You know those movies where its all mysterious and the plot comes together piece by piece until the twist at the end reveals all, and you are forced there to wait patiently until that happens? Well, Van Helsing isn’t one of those movies. In fact, it never reveals the twist. It never completes the plot.
Now lets talk continuity. It always amazes me that a movie COULD be put together decently, and little oversights can ruin any credentials that movie has. For instance:
---In one scene, a vampire knocks Van Helsing down into a bushel of hay. In the next cut, he is flying the other direction into a barrel. Then he flies into a wall. I wish I had made that up. I really do.
---My personal favorite is where Frankenstein swings on a rope from a bridge, and saves Kate Beckinsale by crashing through a window into a vampire. So what’s the problem? The window is in a tower. 200 feet above the bridge. And he swings downward....
---This movie sucks