its caliFORNICATION
well, I'm sitting here at home, and I got up and left, cause my mom is working late everyday this week, and that comforts me. I can stay home and chill out, cause I hate not doing that... so today, I got up from my bed and I was restless.. I was like, wtf should I do? So i put on my jeans (yes, venturing 'round my house in underwear and a shirt... so very unlike myself) and socks and my gray converse (an indirect representation of the way my soul's been feeling lately) and I put my hair up in a sloppy bun (something hard for a curly haired girl to do, but i succeeded nonetheless). I went downstairs, got my keys, opened the door and walked out of my house. I really had no sense of where I was going, so I walked to the first place I thought of... the place I love being at, especially at night... late at night. I went to the bridge, and I just stopped there. There was a breathtaking view of the stars, which hardly ever appear at night due to the enviroment I find myself dwelling in- a city, filled with lights and disturbances... where the fuck do the stars hide at night? Any who... the stars were looking particularly beautiful today and the moon, shining so brightly. I just sat on the bridge and stared at the stars... I was scared, ever since I'd left my house... I don't know, rape? murder? kidnapping? Is it strange that I was never afraid of walking out of my house at anytime of day cause I wasn't afraid of such things... But this time, I found my thoughts doubtful of my safety... Is it cause I acutally wanted to live this time? So i stared at the stars a bit longer, too lazy to move, and too entranced. But I left, and walked back home. Later on, I'm sitting here, and I see no poing in what I did. Just get up, sit at the bridge for 3 minutes and look at the stars? There really wasn't a point, but I guess there was. My life isn't complete, nor will it ever be... and the stars are pure examples of this. Sometimes they shine brightly, and other times they are so dim, it's as if they aren't even there... and my life is like that. interesting eh? what 3 minutes at a bridge can be?
Well... I guess I'll keep on writing, cause I have nothing else to do. I spent time with my REAL bestfriend this weekend, and it was awesome, cause we talked and crap like we hadn't in a long time. I read Ricky's entry, and it's so true, how sometimes you'll turn around and you won't remember the path you've taken to get to where you are at right now.. It's a painful thought, and a lot of realization go into it.. then again, all my entries are painful realizations about how we are all alone in this world, how we have no real friends, how we can never depend on people... Is that what my life is, a big fucking tangle of rants and complaints about other people? That's rather vain... I should start asking myself, how do other people see ME? I mean, and I as annoying as I find the rest of the world? Because, frankly, I am really annoyed by the world right now. There are select people that aren't annoying me, and that's probably because I don't talk to them a lot or see them a lot... But most every one else is annoying me.. Some people it's just the way that they are, and other's are just the way they treat me and others.... Oh shit, and bringing that up.. I find myself stuck in a current between Sebastian and Jazz... I mean they were once such great friends.. have I intervened in that? Sebastian, annoyed by Jazz's hypocritical behavior when it comes to his friends, Jazz annoyed by Sebastian's empty anger and sudden threats at their friendship.. where do I come to play in this? I'm probably just that silent figure that brought all this about... cause I just fuckin ruin everything and everyone right? lol... so pityful (chastes herself) "Stop pitying yourself" I usually say to people... ::shrugs:: I should take my own advice. So anyway... lately I observe people more, and I find myself more and more indifferent to their fucking pathetic actions. I fuckin hate everyone, cause every one is so involved in their problems... It's crazy, a few entries back, I'da been bawling my ass off about how I was alone in this world, and now I'm sitting here smiling for it. If I'm alone in this world... well fuck, I'm alone. I just can't stand being friends with some one and then getting hurt again cause I became so attatched and expected them to be like me in return. I am such a complex fucker. I need to go sleep, or atleast do my math homework... something I dread.
"when the world turns it's back on you, you turn your back on the world"
in the wise words of Timon.