The Painful Reality
The Painful Reality
This story is completely unrelated to my previous two. It's also a lot more angsty. But it was one of my all time favorites that I ever wrote, so I hope you all feel the same way.
Summary: Cal loved Sam more than anything else in the world. But she couldn't get over the feeling that he didn't feel the same way.
I don’t know why I thought it. We’ve been together for two years; I had no reason to doubt him. Maybe he didn’t lie, maybe he really did have to work late. I’ve met his boss, that prick loved to work his employees to the bone. Meant less work for him.
Sam was too good of a man to ever hurt me. He hardly ever even yelled at me, even if I was yelling at him. No, I must be paranoid. He’s working right now. But he’d rather be here with me.
I sat at the kitchen table, a lukewarm mug of tea in front of me. It was ten o’clock at night. Sam where the hell are you? He should have been home hours ago, and yet there I was still waiting up for him.
I twirled my finger around the liquid, the light frothy layer on top swirled around in weird designs as it followed my finger’s movements. I don’t really know why I decided to watch it, but for some reason it gave me a sense of peace. I sighed heavily and checked the clock again. Only two minutes had passed since the last time I checked, but it felt like I just missed my entire life sitting here.
I jumped up from the table when I heard a car drive by. I sped towards the front window and peered out. Empty. Just another passerby.
“Damn it!” I knocked a book off the coffee table. I shoved a hand through my hair for what felt like the millionth time. By now it was nothing more than a tangled mess on top of my head and my fingers barely made it half way through. When was the last time I brushed my hair? Probably this morning, the last time I saw Sam.
How long could he possibly have to work? I know he’s supposed to be working on something important, but it was ten at night, he shouldn’t be forced to work this much overtime.
He’s not working overtime you twit!
No! No, for goodness’ sake, Cal stop thinking like that! He’s not cheating on you! He wouldn’t do that he loves you! I ran my hand through my hair again. I paced back and forth across my living room. I checked the clock again, five minutes passed.
He’s probably not going to come home tonight, he’s going to get his rocks off and fall asleep with some cheap slut that he’s been banging.
“Stop it!” I fell to my knees and grabbed onto my head. “Stop it, just stop it!” I was yelling now. My throat cracked but I kept screaming. “Stop it!” Images flooded my mind. I saw Sam with another woman, a woman so much prettier than me. Maybe taller, blond, with a bigger cup size. I saw perfect images of them making love on her bed, whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears as they fell asleep with their bodies still intertwined.
I jumped up and ran towards the bathroom. I threw the door open and crouched down by the toilet and everything that I ate that day spurted out of my stomach. I closed my eyes and clung to the sides of the toilet. Finally my stomach was empty and I sat with my back against the tub. My eyes and throat burned. I wiped at the corners of my mouth. I could still see it, with excruciating detail. Whether my eyes were opened or closed, I could see what Sam was really doing. It just made me want to vomit again.
I climbed to my feet slowly and made it to the vanity. I avoided the mirror at all costs. I didn’t want to see just how bad I looked right now. I grabbed my toothbrush and started working on getting the taste out of my mouth.
When I had finally spit out every last remainder of my episode, I climbed over the side of the tub and lay down. My feet were resting against the faucet, playing with the knobs. I couldn’t sleep in our bed. Not when Sam was out sleeping in another woman’s bed. I curled up into a ball and rested my chin on my knees. Sleep found me only a few moments later.
***
I don’t have the faintest idea what time it was when I woke up the next day. I just know it was late. I ran my hand through my hair, but I was surprised to find that it wasn’t a massive clump of knots anymore. It was smooth, and brushed. That was when I finally noticed where I was sleeping. I wasn’t in the tub anymore. I was in bed.
“Sam!” I called. He was the only one who could have possibly done all of this. Nobody else had a key to our house. “Sam?” I tried again when I didn’t get an answer the first time.
I heard shuffling outside seconds before Sam walked in. He was smiling big and brightly and that made me smile. He had such a great smile. Everything about him was great. His dark brown hair was pretty long and was a mass of soft touchable curls. He was a few inches taller than me, and incredibly skinny, but it worked for him. His eyes were as dark as his hair; they were my favorite part of him. Whenever I looked in them, I swore I could see his soul.
“Hey, you’re up. I was starting to get worried. You slept most of the day.” I looked over at the clock and sure enough, it was almost seven. “You ok?” He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me with worry plastered over his features.
In my mind I could still see the images of him with that other girl, and it made me sick. I wanted to run back in the bathroom and puke all over again. But instead I nodded, “I just feel a little drained. Rough day at work and all.” I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t trust him. He would never forgive me for that.
He patted my arm and leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. “You sure you’re ok?” I nodded again and tried to smile comfortingly.
“Yeah, I’m sure.” He smiled back at me. “So, did everything go ok with work?” He tensed ever so slightly and I felt the bile rise up yet again.
“Yeah, but I didn’t finish up until sometime this morning.” He sighed. I just couldn’t tell if it was out of annoyance for his job or out of satisfaction for his late night romp. “On plus side, the deal is all settled. I’m free!” I couldn’t help but smile again. This would mean I get more time with him, and if I get more time, maybe he’ll forget the other girl. “So, me and the guys were going to get together tonight and celebrate.” And my heart stopped beating.
He was lying to me. He was going to go see her. I just knew it. He didn’t want to spend his time with me, he wanted that whore, whoever she was.
Nickleback echoed through the room. I rolled my eyes as he pulled out his cell phone. He flipped up the top and stared at his screen a few moments before snapping it shut again and placing it back in his pocket. He looked at me with a forced smile. “Just one of the guys, reminding me to meet them.”
“Which one?”
“Dylan.” I couldn’t help but notice that he had to actually think about that. He leaned in and kissed me again, this time on the lips. Then he jumped off the bed and started to pull his clothes off. “I’m going to take a shower real quick before I go, ok?” I just nodded my head as he headed towards the master bath, pulling his boxers off as he went.
I stared at the bathroom door until I heard the shower start up. I jumped up from the bed and crossed the room to where Sam dropped his pants. I dug through his pockets till I found his cell phone.
I flipped it open and immediately went looking for his text messages. There were a few from me, not really surprising there, but the last message he got was from a number I didn’t recognize. I knew the numbers of all of his friends, and besides, he put all of them in his address book, so I would be seeing a name instead of a number.
See u tonite @ 9 ;-)
The message blurred as my eyes were flooded with tears that refused to fall. I had spent so much time trying to convince myself that it wasn’t possible. And now here I stood with the evidence in my hand.
“Hey baby.” I could tell my voice was shaking but I prayed to everything Holy that he wouldn’t notice. “Why don’t you stay in tonight? I mean we’ve hardly spent any time together in weeks!” I moved closer to the bathroom door so he could hear me better.
“Cal, I told the guys days ago that we would celebrate when I got the deal.” He turned the shower off. I only had to wait a few more minutes before he came out wearing nothing but a towel. Normally that would excite me but I couldn’t help but think of this other girl who got to enjoy that view.
“You never even came home last night, and now you’re going out again.” I wrapped my arms around myself. For some reason I was suddenly cold.
He turned to look at me with an adorable grin on his face. I almost felt myself crumble. Almost. “Are you jealous?” For the first time I looked him square in the eye, let him see the tears brimming.
The grin disappeared entirely. He moved away from his dresser and grabbed me in a giant hug. He was clinging to me tightly as if he could take away all of my pain and doubt just by holding me. And I squeezed back just as strong. My way of begging him to stay.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” I shut my eyes and suppressed a sob. Sam never called me “baby” unless he felt guilty about something. I just couldn’t tell if he was guilty about making me cry, or cheating on me. “Please don’t cry, I’m sorry.” I hugged him tighter. “I love you.”
That time I did sob. “I love you too,” I whispered. I buried my face in his bare chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was soothing, somehow.
He pulled me off gently and stared down at me, a few tears of his own glistening his beautiful brown eyes. “I promised the guys.” He sounded like he really regretted it too. “But I’ll be home early.” He wiped a few stray tears off my cheek. “I promise.” I smiled.
I nodded my head and then left the room to let him get dressed. The only thing I could think of was that maybe, just maybe, he would leave whoever she was, and I could pretend that I never saw that message. Or maybe, who knows? Maybe I was wrong, that one of his friends changed his number and he hadn’t bothered to store it in his address book first. He had a few friends goofy enough to leave a winking face with a message. I was probably just being paranoid.
He came out of the room a few minutes later, fully dressed. He was already throwing his coat back on, and his hair was still wet. I smiled at him, and he returned the gesture. But something caught my eye. It was subtle, I almost missed it, but it was still there.
A hint of regret stretched across his features.
He left after promising to be no later than eleven. I’m not sure if I actually responded or not, my happy thoughts just drifted away from me. I wasn’t being paranoid. I knew it.
I heard his car rev up as he pulled out of the driveway. I sat there at the kitchen table, almost too stunned to get up. But I couldn’t leave this alone. I eyed my keys hanging over by the light switch. Then I jumped up from my seat and raced out the door.
I hopped in my car and turned the ignition as fast as I could. I pulled out of the drive way and found his car already at the end of the street, his left blinker on. I hit the gas with all my might and sped down the road to catch up to him. I barely even braked when I reached the turn, and the car I cut off honked loudly, but I didn’t care, all that mattered was that I catch him.
I followed him to some sleazy motel a few miles away. My heart felt like it exploded in my chest. People only meet other people in motels when they have something to hide. Like a secret affair.
I contemplated turning around and going home, packing my bags and moving in with my friends. I had enough proof I didn’t have to see the girl. But damn my curiosity, I couldn’t turn away. I shut off the car and strode into the office. It was a dinghy piece of crap just like the rest of the place. The wallpaper was peeling from years of water damage and there were giant holes in the shabby red carpet. I suppressed a sigh and made my way to the front desk. The man there was probably in his mid forties, with a bad comb over. It figures the place I catch Sam cheating on me happens to be possibly the lowest place in the city.
Still, I put on my best fake smile. “Hi, my boyfriend booked us a room. Can you tell me which one?” The man looked me up and down as if trying to figure out what I must look like naked. I dug my nails into the desk.
“Name?” He said in a nasally voice.
“Sam Griffin.” He looked through a file till he found what he was looking for.
“Ah, here it is, room 103.” He looked back up at me and smiled. I counted three missing teeth.
“Could I have a key please?” I smiled as sweetly as I could muster under my present circumstance. He didn’t even bother to check my I.D. He just handed it to me. For once I was grateful that the guy was a scummy old creep.
I rushed out of the office and made my way across the pathway towards the right room. It stood nearly at the end of the line, the red paint on the door was chipping off.
I breathed deeply for what felt like forever. Why am I doing this? What can I possibly accomplish? If I go in there, I’ll just end up making an ass of myself. And to what purpose? To prove that Sam is cheating on me? I already figured that out, why am I putting myself through this torture?
Because I have to know who she is.
I took one more deep breath before I slid the key in the lock. I found it rather odd, everything in this place is a piece of junk, but they had brand new automatic locks on the doors.
Ignoring the “Do Not Disturb” sign, I pushed open the door as fast as I could.
And I was right. Two people stood before me, Sam being one of them. He was panting, sweat pouring over his face and bare chest. His erection stood out rather noticeably in his jeans.
Then I turned to look at the blond beauty next to him. Perfect hair, smooth flawless skin, and pale blue eyes. Positively radiant.
And positively male.
I stared wide eyed at the two of them. A small pile of clothes lay in one corner of the room. Jackets and shirts only, I suppose I caught them just as they were getting started. I’ll cry about that later.
The blond looked to me, then to Sam, and then back again. “Who the hell is she?” Sam didn’t say a word. He just stared at me, his face completely expressionless. I shook my head in disgust.
“She’s nobody.” I heard the quiver in my voice again. “I must have gotten the wrong room.” And with that I spun on my heel, and stalked out of there, slamming the door as I went. I knew I was crying again, but can you really blame me?
“Cal! Callie!” He kept calling my name but I just kept on walking. No way in hell was I going to let him see me cry again. “Cal, stop please.” He grabbed my shoulder and jerked me around to face him. I swung back and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. He didn’t make a sound that it hurt, but I could already see his cheek redden, even in the darkness.
I finally noticed that he didn’t even bother to cover up before he ran out after me. His shirt and shoes were still on the floor back in the room. That was when I noticed that his fly was undone. It was repulsive. “You sick fuck!” I tossed the motel key at him and headed off back towards my car.
Again he grabbed my shoulder to try and get me to stop. “Baby, please listen to me!” Anger welled up inside me at the use of the pet name.
“Go back to your fucking boy toy!” I yelled as loud as I could. “And leave me the hell alone!” Over his shoulder I saw the blond walk out the door to watch our display. At least he had the decency to get dressed before walking outside.
I turned back to Sam and didn’t bother to try to stop the sneer that formed across my lips. I spit at the ground by his feet before turning back towards my destination. This time he didn’t stop me.
I pulled out of the parking lot and drove as far as I could. I had been bracing myself for a woman. A woman I could handle, but this… I couldn’t handle this.
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and tossed it on the passenger’s seat. If he gave a damn, he could leave me a voice mail.
***
I awoke the next morning on the couch. After everything that happened I was too exhausted and too disgusted to sleep in our bed. Our bed. The bed we shared for the past two years. I ran a hand through the mess I called hair. This was all too much for me.
There was a knock at the door. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and stretched out my limbs before finally standing up and making my way over to the front door. I knew I looked like crap. Actually I knew I looked worse than crap, but at the moment, I really didn’t care.
I undid the dead bolt and swung the door open. My jaw dropped to the floor as I saw the blond from last night, leaning against the door frame. I could tell he was really uncomfortable, his entire body tensed the moment he saw me. So I crossed my arms and glared at him.
“Sorry, Sam’s not here.” I made to shut the door, but he threw his arm out to stop it.
“I know,” He blurted out as fast as he could. “I actually came by to see you.” I had to laugh at that. It wasn’t a pleasant laugh, more seething, and cold.
“What could you possibly have to say to me? ‘Ha I got your man,’ or maybe ‘you wasted your time for two years since he’s clearly a fairy.’” I wanted to be cruel to this guy, hell, I wanted to make him cry.
He looked down at his shoes then back up at me. “I didn’t know about you.” He looked me dead in the eye when he said it. He wasn’t lying. “I swear I never would have done anything if I had known.” He wasn’t lying about that either. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” He stood there and waited for me to do something. But instead all I did was stare at him. He was completely honest about everything, but could I really forgive this guy after what I saw?
“Are you hungry? I just woke up and I’m starving.” He looked at me curiously for a second before bobbing his head once in the affirmative. I stepped out of the way to let him in. “I’m Cal, by the way.”
“Spencer.” He held out his hand, and I took it.
“Well Spencer, do you like pancakes?”
I looked back towards the street. Spencer’s car was parked in the driveway behind mine. But that wasn’t what caught my attention. Across the street was a black truck. It was decent sized, four doors and brand new rims. Sam was leaning against the hood, staring at me. Even from the distance I could see the desperation in his eyes, how much he hoped that I would forgive him.
I knew he loved me. He wouldn’t lie about that. And I loved him. With all my heart I know that I loved him.
I closed and locked the door before heading into the kitchen.
I smiled at myself. I can’t remember the last time I felt ok to be on my own. Sam had become such an important part of my life, the idea of losing him always threatened to destroy me. But at that moment, I was free.
Spencer was standing in the middle of the kitchen, his hands resting in his back pockets. This was an awkward situation to be sure. We both slept with the same guy, that usually doesn’t lead to friendship bracelets and sleepovers.
Still, I walked over to the island in the middle of the floor. I pulled open one of the cherry wood doors and grabbed one of my mixing bowls. Then I walked over to another cupboard and pulled out pancake mix.
Spencer stood there the entire time just staring at me. “Would you,” he paused while he thought of what he was trying to say. “Would you like some help?” He looked down to the floor.
I thought about that for a second. “Can you cook?” He nodded. “Then yeah. You can flip, I’ll mix.” He nodded again, then pulled off his jacket and moved over to the sink to wash his hands.
We worked in awkward silence for what felt like hours. In reality it was probably only twenty-five to thirty minutes. I made enough batter for over a dozen pancakes. I never really did master measuring those damn things out. Spencer worked without complaint and without burning a single one.
“So, how long were you two together?” Where that came from, I have no idea. I guess I just wanted to know.
Spencer visibly tensed at the question. He kept his gaze fixed on the stove as he answered, “About a month.” I furrowed my brow in confusion.
“Sam’s been distancing himself from me for six months.” When Spencer looked at me, his expression matched my own. Then he turned away a little and stared at nothing, thinking.
I set two plates on the table, along with a bowl of microwaved sausage, a few slices of toast, and two cups of coffee. He came up behind me and set down the plate of pancakes. They smelled like little silver dollar pieces of Heaven. “You don’t think he was seeing someone else, do you?”
I shrugged but didn’t say anything. In truth, I didn’t want to think about it. Spencer was one thing. I barely knew the guy and I could tell why Sam liked him. He was gorgeous, kind, and honest. Hell, give me a few more minutes with the guy, and I’ll probably end up falling in love with him.
He sat down at the table in the chair closest to the wall, while I took the seat nearest the door. I fixed him a plate, and then did my own. He smiled his thanks and I felt my insides melt. He indeed had a nice smile. It was a pity he was gay.
“So, how did you two meet?” He tensed again. “Look, I know this is a touchy subject, but I’ve been through hell in the last two days, and a part of me still wants to pour Drain-o in your coffee.” He pushed the cup across the table. “I didn’t, but,” I paused. How do I phrase this? “I need to know why Sam chose you.” Although I could sort of tell when he smiled.
He sighed heavily, pushing what was left of his breakfast around on his plate. “At work. We were working on an all-nighter and we got to talking.” He looked up at me for a second before dropping his head to his chest. “I found myself… falling for him as soon as we met.” I nodded.
“Yeah I know what you mean.” Spencer lifted his gaze back up and met my eye. “We met at a driving range. I spent more time flirting with him than hitting the ball.” He chuckled.
A thought struck me, and I blurted it out before I could stop myself. “If you didn’t know about me, why were you meeting at the motel?”
He just shrugged. “My place was getting fumigated, so he told me to meet him there.” He shrugged again. “It makes sense now though. The place is cheap. He could pay cash.” I just sighed heavily.
“Are you done?” He nodded. I grabbed both of our plates and took them over to the sink. We kept the trash can in the cupboard beneath it. I opened the small cherry door and pulled out the little black bin.
And something caught my eye.
I furrowed my brow in confusion before reaching down and pulling up a single sheet of paper. I gasped.
“Did you two always wear a condom?”
Spencer came up behind me with the rest of the dishes. He set them down on the counter next to the sink. “Yeah, I was always a bit anal about diseases and shit.” My hands shook. “Why? Did you?”
I shook my head. “We were together for two years. Until a few days ago I thought I could trust him.” He peered over my shoulder and stared at the paper in my hands. I could have sworn I heard him stop breathing.
A single tear ran down my cheek, and I felt as though my whole world crumbled around me. He lied to me, cheated on me, and now… he may have killed me.
Samuel Griffin; HIV Antibody Test: Positive
This story is completely unrelated to my previous two. It's also a lot more angsty. But it was one of my all time favorites that I ever wrote, so I hope you all feel the same way.
Summary: Cal loved Sam more than anything else in the world. But she couldn't get over the feeling that he didn't feel the same way.
I don’t know why I thought it. We’ve been together for two years; I had no reason to doubt him. Maybe he didn’t lie, maybe he really did have to work late. I’ve met his boss, that prick loved to work his employees to the bone. Meant less work for him.
Sam was too good of a man to ever hurt me. He hardly ever even yelled at me, even if I was yelling at him. No, I must be paranoid. He’s working right now. But he’d rather be here with me.
I sat at the kitchen table, a lukewarm mug of tea in front of me. It was ten o’clock at night. Sam where the hell are you? He should have been home hours ago, and yet there I was still waiting up for him.
I twirled my finger around the liquid, the light frothy layer on top swirled around in weird designs as it followed my finger’s movements. I don’t really know why I decided to watch it, but for some reason it gave me a sense of peace. I sighed heavily and checked the clock again. Only two minutes had passed since the last time I checked, but it felt like I just missed my entire life sitting here.
I jumped up from the table when I heard a car drive by. I sped towards the front window and peered out. Empty. Just another passerby.
“Damn it!” I knocked a book off the coffee table. I shoved a hand through my hair for what felt like the millionth time. By now it was nothing more than a tangled mess on top of my head and my fingers barely made it half way through. When was the last time I brushed my hair? Probably this morning, the last time I saw Sam.
How long could he possibly have to work? I know he’s supposed to be working on something important, but it was ten at night, he shouldn’t be forced to work this much overtime.
He’s not working overtime you twit!
No! No, for goodness’ sake, Cal stop thinking like that! He’s not cheating on you! He wouldn’t do that he loves you! I ran my hand through my hair again. I paced back and forth across my living room. I checked the clock again, five minutes passed.
He’s probably not going to come home tonight, he’s going to get his rocks off and fall asleep with some cheap slut that he’s been banging.
“Stop it!” I fell to my knees and grabbed onto my head. “Stop it, just stop it!” I was yelling now. My throat cracked but I kept screaming. “Stop it!” Images flooded my mind. I saw Sam with another woman, a woman so much prettier than me. Maybe taller, blond, with a bigger cup size. I saw perfect images of them making love on her bed, whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears as they fell asleep with their bodies still intertwined.
I jumped up and ran towards the bathroom. I threw the door open and crouched down by the toilet and everything that I ate that day spurted out of my stomach. I closed my eyes and clung to the sides of the toilet. Finally my stomach was empty and I sat with my back against the tub. My eyes and throat burned. I wiped at the corners of my mouth. I could still see it, with excruciating detail. Whether my eyes were opened or closed, I could see what Sam was really doing. It just made me want to vomit again.
I climbed to my feet slowly and made it to the vanity. I avoided the mirror at all costs. I didn’t want to see just how bad I looked right now. I grabbed my toothbrush and started working on getting the taste out of my mouth.
When I had finally spit out every last remainder of my episode, I climbed over the side of the tub and lay down. My feet were resting against the faucet, playing with the knobs. I couldn’t sleep in our bed. Not when Sam was out sleeping in another woman’s bed. I curled up into a ball and rested my chin on my knees. Sleep found me only a few moments later.
***
I don’t have the faintest idea what time it was when I woke up the next day. I just know it was late. I ran my hand through my hair, but I was surprised to find that it wasn’t a massive clump of knots anymore. It was smooth, and brushed. That was when I finally noticed where I was sleeping. I wasn’t in the tub anymore. I was in bed.
“Sam!” I called. He was the only one who could have possibly done all of this. Nobody else had a key to our house. “Sam?” I tried again when I didn’t get an answer the first time.
I heard shuffling outside seconds before Sam walked in. He was smiling big and brightly and that made me smile. He had such a great smile. Everything about him was great. His dark brown hair was pretty long and was a mass of soft touchable curls. He was a few inches taller than me, and incredibly skinny, but it worked for him. His eyes were as dark as his hair; they were my favorite part of him. Whenever I looked in them, I swore I could see his soul.
“Hey, you’re up. I was starting to get worried. You slept most of the day.” I looked over at the clock and sure enough, it was almost seven. “You ok?” He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me with worry plastered over his features.
In my mind I could still see the images of him with that other girl, and it made me sick. I wanted to run back in the bathroom and puke all over again. But instead I nodded, “I just feel a little drained. Rough day at work and all.” I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t trust him. He would never forgive me for that.
He patted my arm and leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. “You sure you’re ok?” I nodded again and tried to smile comfortingly.
“Yeah, I’m sure.” He smiled back at me. “So, did everything go ok with work?” He tensed ever so slightly and I felt the bile rise up yet again.
“Yeah, but I didn’t finish up until sometime this morning.” He sighed. I just couldn’t tell if it was out of annoyance for his job or out of satisfaction for his late night romp. “On plus side, the deal is all settled. I’m free!” I couldn’t help but smile again. This would mean I get more time with him, and if I get more time, maybe he’ll forget the other girl. “So, me and the guys were going to get together tonight and celebrate.” And my heart stopped beating.
He was lying to me. He was going to go see her. I just knew it. He didn’t want to spend his time with me, he wanted that whore, whoever she was.
Nickleback echoed through the room. I rolled my eyes as he pulled out his cell phone. He flipped up the top and stared at his screen a few moments before snapping it shut again and placing it back in his pocket. He looked at me with a forced smile. “Just one of the guys, reminding me to meet them.”
“Which one?”
“Dylan.” I couldn’t help but notice that he had to actually think about that. He leaned in and kissed me again, this time on the lips. Then he jumped off the bed and started to pull his clothes off. “I’m going to take a shower real quick before I go, ok?” I just nodded my head as he headed towards the master bath, pulling his boxers off as he went.
I stared at the bathroom door until I heard the shower start up. I jumped up from the bed and crossed the room to where Sam dropped his pants. I dug through his pockets till I found his cell phone.
I flipped it open and immediately went looking for his text messages. There were a few from me, not really surprising there, but the last message he got was from a number I didn’t recognize. I knew the numbers of all of his friends, and besides, he put all of them in his address book, so I would be seeing a name instead of a number.
See u tonite @ 9 ;-)
The message blurred as my eyes were flooded with tears that refused to fall. I had spent so much time trying to convince myself that it wasn’t possible. And now here I stood with the evidence in my hand.
“Hey baby.” I could tell my voice was shaking but I prayed to everything Holy that he wouldn’t notice. “Why don’t you stay in tonight? I mean we’ve hardly spent any time together in weeks!” I moved closer to the bathroom door so he could hear me better.
“Cal, I told the guys days ago that we would celebrate when I got the deal.” He turned the shower off. I only had to wait a few more minutes before he came out wearing nothing but a towel. Normally that would excite me but I couldn’t help but think of this other girl who got to enjoy that view.
“You never even came home last night, and now you’re going out again.” I wrapped my arms around myself. For some reason I was suddenly cold.
He turned to look at me with an adorable grin on his face. I almost felt myself crumble. Almost. “Are you jealous?” For the first time I looked him square in the eye, let him see the tears brimming.
The grin disappeared entirely. He moved away from his dresser and grabbed me in a giant hug. He was clinging to me tightly as if he could take away all of my pain and doubt just by holding me. And I squeezed back just as strong. My way of begging him to stay.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” I shut my eyes and suppressed a sob. Sam never called me “baby” unless he felt guilty about something. I just couldn’t tell if he was guilty about making me cry, or cheating on me. “Please don’t cry, I’m sorry.” I hugged him tighter. “I love you.”
That time I did sob. “I love you too,” I whispered. I buried my face in his bare chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was soothing, somehow.
He pulled me off gently and stared down at me, a few tears of his own glistening his beautiful brown eyes. “I promised the guys.” He sounded like he really regretted it too. “But I’ll be home early.” He wiped a few stray tears off my cheek. “I promise.” I smiled.
I nodded my head and then left the room to let him get dressed. The only thing I could think of was that maybe, just maybe, he would leave whoever she was, and I could pretend that I never saw that message. Or maybe, who knows? Maybe I was wrong, that one of his friends changed his number and he hadn’t bothered to store it in his address book first. He had a few friends goofy enough to leave a winking face with a message. I was probably just being paranoid.
He came out of the room a few minutes later, fully dressed. He was already throwing his coat back on, and his hair was still wet. I smiled at him, and he returned the gesture. But something caught my eye. It was subtle, I almost missed it, but it was still there.
A hint of regret stretched across his features.
He left after promising to be no later than eleven. I’m not sure if I actually responded or not, my happy thoughts just drifted away from me. I wasn’t being paranoid. I knew it.
I heard his car rev up as he pulled out of the driveway. I sat there at the kitchen table, almost too stunned to get up. But I couldn’t leave this alone. I eyed my keys hanging over by the light switch. Then I jumped up from my seat and raced out the door.
I hopped in my car and turned the ignition as fast as I could. I pulled out of the drive way and found his car already at the end of the street, his left blinker on. I hit the gas with all my might and sped down the road to catch up to him. I barely even braked when I reached the turn, and the car I cut off honked loudly, but I didn’t care, all that mattered was that I catch him.
I followed him to some sleazy motel a few miles away. My heart felt like it exploded in my chest. People only meet other people in motels when they have something to hide. Like a secret affair.
I contemplated turning around and going home, packing my bags and moving in with my friends. I had enough proof I didn’t have to see the girl. But damn my curiosity, I couldn’t turn away. I shut off the car and strode into the office. It was a dinghy piece of crap just like the rest of the place. The wallpaper was peeling from years of water damage and there were giant holes in the shabby red carpet. I suppressed a sigh and made my way to the front desk. The man there was probably in his mid forties, with a bad comb over. It figures the place I catch Sam cheating on me happens to be possibly the lowest place in the city.
Still, I put on my best fake smile. “Hi, my boyfriend booked us a room. Can you tell me which one?” The man looked me up and down as if trying to figure out what I must look like naked. I dug my nails into the desk.
“Name?” He said in a nasally voice.
“Sam Griffin.” He looked through a file till he found what he was looking for.
“Ah, here it is, room 103.” He looked back up at me and smiled. I counted three missing teeth.
“Could I have a key please?” I smiled as sweetly as I could muster under my present circumstance. He didn’t even bother to check my I.D. He just handed it to me. For once I was grateful that the guy was a scummy old creep.
I rushed out of the office and made my way across the pathway towards the right room. It stood nearly at the end of the line, the red paint on the door was chipping off.
I breathed deeply for what felt like forever. Why am I doing this? What can I possibly accomplish? If I go in there, I’ll just end up making an ass of myself. And to what purpose? To prove that Sam is cheating on me? I already figured that out, why am I putting myself through this torture?
Because I have to know who she is.
I took one more deep breath before I slid the key in the lock. I found it rather odd, everything in this place is a piece of junk, but they had brand new automatic locks on the doors.
Ignoring the “Do Not Disturb” sign, I pushed open the door as fast as I could.
And I was right. Two people stood before me, Sam being one of them. He was panting, sweat pouring over his face and bare chest. His erection stood out rather noticeably in his jeans.
Then I turned to look at the blond beauty next to him. Perfect hair, smooth flawless skin, and pale blue eyes. Positively radiant.
And positively male.
I stared wide eyed at the two of them. A small pile of clothes lay in one corner of the room. Jackets and shirts only, I suppose I caught them just as they were getting started. I’ll cry about that later.
The blond looked to me, then to Sam, and then back again. “Who the hell is she?” Sam didn’t say a word. He just stared at me, his face completely expressionless. I shook my head in disgust.
“She’s nobody.” I heard the quiver in my voice again. “I must have gotten the wrong room.” And with that I spun on my heel, and stalked out of there, slamming the door as I went. I knew I was crying again, but can you really blame me?
“Cal! Callie!” He kept calling my name but I just kept on walking. No way in hell was I going to let him see me cry again. “Cal, stop please.” He grabbed my shoulder and jerked me around to face him. I swung back and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. He didn’t make a sound that it hurt, but I could already see his cheek redden, even in the darkness.
I finally noticed that he didn’t even bother to cover up before he ran out after me. His shirt and shoes were still on the floor back in the room. That was when I noticed that his fly was undone. It was repulsive. “You sick fuck!” I tossed the motel key at him and headed off back towards my car.
Again he grabbed my shoulder to try and get me to stop. “Baby, please listen to me!” Anger welled up inside me at the use of the pet name.
“Go back to your fucking boy toy!” I yelled as loud as I could. “And leave me the hell alone!” Over his shoulder I saw the blond walk out the door to watch our display. At least he had the decency to get dressed before walking outside.
I turned back to Sam and didn’t bother to try to stop the sneer that formed across my lips. I spit at the ground by his feet before turning back towards my destination. This time he didn’t stop me.
I pulled out of the parking lot and drove as far as I could. I had been bracing myself for a woman. A woman I could handle, but this… I couldn’t handle this.
My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and tossed it on the passenger’s seat. If he gave a damn, he could leave me a voice mail.
***
I awoke the next morning on the couch. After everything that happened I was too exhausted and too disgusted to sleep in our bed. Our bed. The bed we shared for the past two years. I ran a hand through the mess I called hair. This was all too much for me.
There was a knock at the door. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and stretched out my limbs before finally standing up and making my way over to the front door. I knew I looked like crap. Actually I knew I looked worse than crap, but at the moment, I really didn’t care.
I undid the dead bolt and swung the door open. My jaw dropped to the floor as I saw the blond from last night, leaning against the door frame. I could tell he was really uncomfortable, his entire body tensed the moment he saw me. So I crossed my arms and glared at him.
“Sorry, Sam’s not here.” I made to shut the door, but he threw his arm out to stop it.
“I know,” He blurted out as fast as he could. “I actually came by to see you.” I had to laugh at that. It wasn’t a pleasant laugh, more seething, and cold.
“What could you possibly have to say to me? ‘Ha I got your man,’ or maybe ‘you wasted your time for two years since he’s clearly a fairy.’” I wanted to be cruel to this guy, hell, I wanted to make him cry.
He looked down at his shoes then back up at me. “I didn’t know about you.” He looked me dead in the eye when he said it. He wasn’t lying. “I swear I never would have done anything if I had known.” He wasn’t lying about that either. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” He stood there and waited for me to do something. But instead all I did was stare at him. He was completely honest about everything, but could I really forgive this guy after what I saw?
“Are you hungry? I just woke up and I’m starving.” He looked at me curiously for a second before bobbing his head once in the affirmative. I stepped out of the way to let him in. “I’m Cal, by the way.”
“Spencer.” He held out his hand, and I took it.
“Well Spencer, do you like pancakes?”
I looked back towards the street. Spencer’s car was parked in the driveway behind mine. But that wasn’t what caught my attention. Across the street was a black truck. It was decent sized, four doors and brand new rims. Sam was leaning against the hood, staring at me. Even from the distance I could see the desperation in his eyes, how much he hoped that I would forgive him.
I knew he loved me. He wouldn’t lie about that. And I loved him. With all my heart I know that I loved him.
I closed and locked the door before heading into the kitchen.
I smiled at myself. I can’t remember the last time I felt ok to be on my own. Sam had become such an important part of my life, the idea of losing him always threatened to destroy me. But at that moment, I was free.
Spencer was standing in the middle of the kitchen, his hands resting in his back pockets. This was an awkward situation to be sure. We both slept with the same guy, that usually doesn’t lead to friendship bracelets and sleepovers.
Still, I walked over to the island in the middle of the floor. I pulled open one of the cherry wood doors and grabbed one of my mixing bowls. Then I walked over to another cupboard and pulled out pancake mix.
Spencer stood there the entire time just staring at me. “Would you,” he paused while he thought of what he was trying to say. “Would you like some help?” He looked down to the floor.
I thought about that for a second. “Can you cook?” He nodded. “Then yeah. You can flip, I’ll mix.” He nodded again, then pulled off his jacket and moved over to the sink to wash his hands.
We worked in awkward silence for what felt like hours. In reality it was probably only twenty-five to thirty minutes. I made enough batter for over a dozen pancakes. I never really did master measuring those damn things out. Spencer worked without complaint and without burning a single one.
“So, how long were you two together?” Where that came from, I have no idea. I guess I just wanted to know.
Spencer visibly tensed at the question. He kept his gaze fixed on the stove as he answered, “About a month.” I furrowed my brow in confusion.
“Sam’s been distancing himself from me for six months.” When Spencer looked at me, his expression matched my own. Then he turned away a little and stared at nothing, thinking.
I set two plates on the table, along with a bowl of microwaved sausage, a few slices of toast, and two cups of coffee. He came up behind me and set down the plate of pancakes. They smelled like little silver dollar pieces of Heaven. “You don’t think he was seeing someone else, do you?”
I shrugged but didn’t say anything. In truth, I didn’t want to think about it. Spencer was one thing. I barely knew the guy and I could tell why Sam liked him. He was gorgeous, kind, and honest. Hell, give me a few more minutes with the guy, and I’ll probably end up falling in love with him.
He sat down at the table in the chair closest to the wall, while I took the seat nearest the door. I fixed him a plate, and then did my own. He smiled his thanks and I felt my insides melt. He indeed had a nice smile. It was a pity he was gay.
“So, how did you two meet?” He tensed again. “Look, I know this is a touchy subject, but I’ve been through hell in the last two days, and a part of me still wants to pour Drain-o in your coffee.” He pushed the cup across the table. “I didn’t, but,” I paused. How do I phrase this? “I need to know why Sam chose you.” Although I could sort of tell when he smiled.
He sighed heavily, pushing what was left of his breakfast around on his plate. “At work. We were working on an all-nighter and we got to talking.” He looked up at me for a second before dropping his head to his chest. “I found myself… falling for him as soon as we met.” I nodded.
“Yeah I know what you mean.” Spencer lifted his gaze back up and met my eye. “We met at a driving range. I spent more time flirting with him than hitting the ball.” He chuckled.
A thought struck me, and I blurted it out before I could stop myself. “If you didn’t know about me, why were you meeting at the motel?”
He just shrugged. “My place was getting fumigated, so he told me to meet him there.” He shrugged again. “It makes sense now though. The place is cheap. He could pay cash.” I just sighed heavily.
“Are you done?” He nodded. I grabbed both of our plates and took them over to the sink. We kept the trash can in the cupboard beneath it. I opened the small cherry door and pulled out the little black bin.
And something caught my eye.
I furrowed my brow in confusion before reaching down and pulling up a single sheet of paper. I gasped.
“Did you two always wear a condom?”
Spencer came up behind me with the rest of the dishes. He set them down on the counter next to the sink. “Yeah, I was always a bit anal about diseases and shit.” My hands shook. “Why? Did you?”
I shook my head. “We were together for two years. Until a few days ago I thought I could trust him.” He peered over my shoulder and stared at the paper in my hands. I could have sworn I heard him stop breathing.
A single tear ran down my cheek, and I felt as though my whole world crumbled around me. He lied to me, cheated on me, and now… he may have killed me.
Samuel Griffin; HIV Antibody Test: Positive