The Post-Arisia Blues
I'm fighting off a bad case of post-Arisia depression (of the non-clinical variety). My hopes were way too high for the con, and the reality turned out to be - not terrible, but even worse than that: blah
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When you describe her as someone who "still feels weird around fans," you're describing her as exactly the kind of person I, and many other fans, go to conventions to avoid... she's not a bad person, but we always have to be careful around her to avoid giving offense, and, as long as we're being careful, we can't just relax and be ourselves.
It's a two way thing. I'm pretty sure that Teri can tell that we're uncomfortable around her, and it probably makes her feel uncomfortable around us... as you describe it, she "feels weird around fans."
The appropriate ettiquette at a convention is to describe yourself as a fan, even if you're not. Or at least describe yourself as someone who is comfortable around fans ("Well I'm not a fan, but my husband is." in a tone of voice that implies one's husband's fandom is a positive trait, and that frames ones own lack of fandom as gentle self-depreciation.)
Unlike kids in the school yard we don't tease people for thier lack of ettiquette. But we may gently ignore them. The sad thing is, I've seen you make that particular faux pas (on Teri's behalf) more often than Teri does. I know that you're just trying to be honest, and explain your own frustration with the situation. I'm just not sure it's helping in the long run.
Kiralee
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Whoa! You mean I've been ignoring her? Or teasing her? Please explain! This is something I really need to know.
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You're not ignoring her. I'm not sure I could treat Joe with the same amount of devotion that you give Teri. And I've never seen you tease her.
What you're doing is a little bit like putting words in her mouth. And the words you're using, while accurate, are... not exactly impolite.. but well... it's like needing to make better than 75 % on an ettiquette roll, and getting 60 %, which is better than average but still doesn't do the job.
Does that make sense? Does it help?
Kiralee
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Is it that I'm explaining too much to her? Or for her? Am I making too much of a deal about her not being one of the clan?
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See, I don't see the Romeo & Juliet aspect of this quite the same way you do, so I wouldn't put this so much in terms of rival clans.
I see three groups of people. One is Fen of course, that is science fiction fans. Call them group A. And then there is a very large group that is pretty much neutral to science fiction... they may not get it, but they aren't actually hostile to the people who do. Call them group B. And then there is a small group of people that are actually hostile - that resent the time and effort spent on science fiction and fantasy by the society and / or by other members of society. Call them group C.
If a group B person marries a group A person, then they won't get in the way of the group A person's hobby. As a non-science fiction example, I don't like football. But if the guy I married did, I'd let him have all his friends over for a superbowl party - or let him go out to a superbowl party, even one that lasted all day, or involved getting drunk and crashing at a friends house afterwards. And I'd see that as an opportunity to make my own plans for an all day outing, and leave him with the babysitting job, at some other point in the year (maybe to make a one day trip to Arisia).
Now I think Teri probably really is more of a group C person. She seems to actively resent the energy you spend on Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and to be genuinely uncomfortable around Fen. But I also think that you advertise that fact more than you have to. And that has the unfortunate side effect of making Fen uncomfortable around her... which in turn gives her a good reason to feel uncomfortable around Fen, thus creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
What you probably want to do is advertize the existence of group B, and work out the appropriate rituals of interaction between groups A and B in different circumstances.
For example, one of the rituals of interaction at a con is to act as if fandom is a positive trait. If one is not a fan, one treats this as a disadvantage or weakness - something that makes one a less interesting person, that lowers ones status. However, a non-fan can still be a "real-person" if they recognize and acknowledge this fact - the lose a little status, but not too much. On the other hand, a non-fan who doesn't recognize and acknowledge this loses a fair bit of status and tends to be ignored. They just aren't an interesting person to be around.
Does this make more sense?
Kiralee
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