Super Loneliness
Hey Live Journal! I haven't used you in quite some time... Alas, I am in my first year of college in the great, big city of Boston, am dreading it, and hence feel the need to gush my emo feelings all over this entry.. so hold tight... hopefully some good will come of this.
I miss Albany so much more than I ever would have expected. I wanted to come to Boston since I was little, and applied to one school here not realizing how much it would impact my daily thoughts, routines, desires, etc. I thought that such a huge city would offer so much, and be rich with opportunity...so much, in fact, that I would forget about home, my old friends, my calming grasp on where the fuck I am and how to give directions. For some reason, I seem, at times to only focus on the negative aspects of being in this huge city. For one, it is daunting. Two, everything is so expensive, and I feel as if leisure comes only from cash... life shouldn't be like that..
I thought that I HAD to go to art school. And for one thing, I did have to test it out. I told myself since the first time that I picked up a pencil, that I was proudly going to live out the life of an artist. Honestly though, the more that I experience art, the sicker or it I grow, and the more I want to do more for people and myself. The great sculptor Rodain once said, "An artist is any man [or woman] who enjoys their job." How can I be an artist if I do not enjoy what I am studying or where I am? I feel very lost in regards to the place that I have chosen to study, and honestly, art school grows old. You can only paint dots and have fun doing so for so long (yes I have been painting black dots on white paper for about 4 weeks now in my 2-D class >_<). Who is supposed to enjoy stuff like that??? I feel like art school is a step backwards from Emma Willard's rigorous standards and that in itself keeps me feeling deflated.
Another reason that I am somewhat depressed-the reason I decided to come onto LJ today- is because of my lack of a romantic relationship. I feel as if I can't meet, attract and prompt guys to love me. I feel like Boston has taken me backwards, in reference to developing my relations with men, because a. I am far from those that I am interested in (he is in Albany) and b. I am constantly seeing men and women holding hands and kissing in the street. It seems that everyone here is happily with someone... Even though I know that this is not true, I just see it so much to the point where it is beginning to drive me A-Wall!! I don't know if I just focus in on it because I want it, or if it is because I live in a touristy, rich area where beautiful men and women consistently go on romantic evenings with one another... It is just SOO DEPRESSING! I feel more lonely in my apartment in Boston than I feel I have ever felt in my life..
I also think that online dating sites are stupid and I never want to be affiliated with one ever again. The end. Damn piper for telling me to join one >_<. I want real love... I want a romantic story.. not a block of space and an image putting me out there for all to see. I want someone to see me, notice me, want me to be there all the time. I want to be there for someone more than ever it seems..
I miss Albany so much more than I ever would have expected. I wanted to come to Boston since I was little, and applied to one school here not realizing how much it would impact my daily thoughts, routines, desires, etc. I thought that such a huge city would offer so much, and be rich with opportunity...so much, in fact, that I would forget about home, my old friends, my calming grasp on where the fuck I am and how to give directions. For some reason, I seem, at times to only focus on the negative aspects of being in this huge city. For one, it is daunting. Two, everything is so expensive, and I feel as if leisure comes only from cash... life shouldn't be like that..
I thought that I HAD to go to art school. And for one thing, I did have to test it out. I told myself since the first time that I picked up a pencil, that I was proudly going to live out the life of an artist. Honestly though, the more that I experience art, the sicker or it I grow, and the more I want to do more for people and myself. The great sculptor Rodain once said, "An artist is any man [or woman] who enjoys their job." How can I be an artist if I do not enjoy what I am studying or where I am? I feel very lost in regards to the place that I have chosen to study, and honestly, art school grows old. You can only paint dots and have fun doing so for so long (yes I have been painting black dots on white paper for about 4 weeks now in my 2-D class >_<). Who is supposed to enjoy stuff like that??? I feel like art school is a step backwards from Emma Willard's rigorous standards and that in itself keeps me feeling deflated.
Another reason that I am somewhat depressed-the reason I decided to come onto LJ today- is because of my lack of a romantic relationship. I feel as if I can't meet, attract and prompt guys to love me. I feel like Boston has taken me backwards, in reference to developing my relations with men, because a. I am far from those that I am interested in (he is in Albany) and b. I am constantly seeing men and women holding hands and kissing in the street. It seems that everyone here is happily with someone... Even though I know that this is not true, I just see it so much to the point where it is beginning to drive me A-Wall!! I don't know if I just focus in on it because I want it, or if it is because I live in a touristy, rich area where beautiful men and women consistently go on romantic evenings with one another... It is just SOO DEPRESSING! I feel more lonely in my apartment in Boston than I feel I have ever felt in my life..
I also think that online dating sites are stupid and I never want to be affiliated with one ever again. The end. Damn piper for telling me to join one >_<. I want real love... I want a romantic story.. not a block of space and an image putting me out there for all to see. I want someone to see me, notice me, want me to be there all the time. I want to be there for someone more than ever it seems..