(no subject)
I really dont know how to begin this.... this i guess is pretty much a confession... i rewally am fake... im not the person anyone knows about. no one truely knows much about me... i have recently lied to make someone like me and make it work.. she obviously called it.. and thats truely wat happend.. it got played in teh matter of how it did and everything... it is my fault that she is gone... my fault that she is no longer part of my life.. this is some of that hardest things ive ever had to admit in my life.... the one u all know that seems and tries his best to be happy isnt me.. some of u know how upset i can get.. thats not even the tip.. do some of u know i cry myself to sleep most of the time if i even in fact sleep.. im not a hard asss.. people say i come off as one.. thats not me... people love to party... thats no me either... my friends love to go drink and go to clubs and all that.. i dont... its jsut not wat i do.. and becasue of this.. im losing the ones deerset to me and the only oens that are left in my life.. im sorry for everything that thought they knew me... the nice guy thing... that is me however... i try and fit myself to other peopels needs and standards... i try adn be like others so they will be my friend.. becasue in fact... i dont have any really... i mean tom and miguel have stuck with me for a logn time adam to... but seriously aftyer reaing this i fear they wont want to be anymore... my whole life really is a lie.... im not tough,, im soft... im not strong.. im actually rather week... as we speak im in tears righting this.. but its about tiome i man up and admit the truth... the love of my life is gone ebcasue i lied to her.. and try to make someoen i thought shed like even moreto miguel adn tom.. u guys know me to an extent.. to u guys im kinda layed back.. joker type of person... yeah im always upset and depressed.. its becasue i dont know who i am at all.. i try adn be that person people want me to be it jsut generally happens.. i act differenttly with everyone....tom.. dude seriously u are the cloest thig i got to family around here anymore.. ur like my brother.... miguel me and u have knonw each other for 9 fucking years.. weve gone through it alll... i know u noticed how im differnt u had to of... i jsut dont know wat im doing anymore.. dont know who i am... im startign to belive that maybe seriouslky the ebst thing for me to do is become unknown.... honestly i dont do much in my but cause pain and frustration with all my problems... no one wants to here it... just like this little thing im talking about here....... and if u think this all came out becaue of a guirl ur wrong... i acti differntly and everyting for everyone.... but when me and her talkedd a few horus ago and talked to me about it... i finally broke down.. everythiog hit me at once... i am a lier... i lie to make people like me.. i lie to make myself seem better... really im just a fucking fake... i dont deserve anyones friendships.. nor do i deserve any womens companionship.. i deserve to die alone in this world firneless and alone..this is my fate... this is my rewards for all thos ebad deeds... for all those lives.. i cant do anyhitng but accpet this... this ishow its goign to be.. in a week or so im goign to delete myspace, livejournal and my aim, then i will eventuallty get rid of my cell phone.. i caused more harm to u all then good..i am sorry im not truely who u thought i was... and if any of u think im goign to hurt myself or anything u dont have to worry.. that lesson has been learned along time ago.. i will never phsycally hurt myself... this pain is greater then death.. its somethign i have to live with now..... im sorry... who knows we may end up talking again... only time will tell..