Dear Sir & Ma'am upstairs:

[bobicus]

Your bed squeaks freakishly loud at 12:45am. I appreciate the lack of accompanying "animal noises" as my associate Buster would say. If you require funds for whatever repairs it would take to remove the noise, I would gladly cover the cost of some cheap, splintery plywood for you to use in place of your current happyplace of substandard manufacturing.

Sincerely,

Mike "Your Happiness Makes Me Hate You" N.