Lost
Sometimes, I'm so sure about this decision that i've made. I know in my mind it was the right one, because i can be so happy now.
Then there are times, little moments that remind me of you, remind me of everything that we used to be to each other and i get overwhelmed with this sadness. It washes over me in this tidal wave of force, threatening to knock me over and all i want to do is break down and start crying. To go running to you and tell you that i'm sorry, tell you that i do forgive you and that i wish we could go back to where we were. I'd tell you that i have no problems taking you back, because the truth is that i'm still in love you. I think i will always love you, even if i'm not always in love with you, because you were such a huge impact on my life. And it breaks my heart every time i realize that we didn't make it and that i can never be with you like that again.
I remember that night, almost four months into our relationship, when you drove me back to my dorm and we were really happy just talking and laughing and listening to music. Then when we arrived and you shut off the engine you just sat there for a little while. It took so much just for you to say it out loud, blushing red, a wide smile that couldn't hide. "I love you," you said, and i knew you meant it. And i meant it just as much when i said, "I love you too."
Sometimes, i want nothing more than to drive over to your place and wrap my arms around you and pretend that nothing bad happened. I want to kiss you like i used to, and hold you close like i used to, fall asleep beside you like we used to.
So, a couple days ago, when you told me you wanted me back, it took all that i had to say "no."
"No," because we've been here before; to this place where i'm begging for you to want me again. "No," because it's been too many times that i've been hurt and left out. "No," because i will not be the last resort, the thing that you treat however wrongly you want because you know i'll always take you back at the end of the day, and forgive you.
No, i will not always take you back at the end of the day. i can't anymore. it hurts too much. I can't be with you without constantly thinking that at any moment, you'll grow tired of me again and put me out with the waste. I love you, but my heart can only be stitched back together so many times, the growing patchwork of seems is weaker with each incision, and i'm afraid that one day i won't be able to sew it back together at all. I won't allow myself to go there. I love you, but i won't allow myself to hurt myself again.
You know what else has bothered me? The fact that you didn't even fight for me. After all that we've been through. All that i've done for you. Everything that i sacrificed of myself to be the best that i could be for you, you didn't even try. You asked once if i would take you back, and when i said no, that was it. You gave up. There was no "Please" or "I promise I'll be better" or "I can change." Nothing like that. It was as if, you expected me to take you back without any sort of consequences for what you've done to me. You're not willing to change at all to stay with me. You don't love me enough, didn't love me enough, for that sort of introspection.
Well, I'm sorry. I know that i'm always the one who apologizes, even if i shouldn't be. But i feel like someone has to. I'm sorry, but you've made up your mind, and i'm doing my best to support your decision. I may not be over you yet, but i will be. Like you said to me as we sat among the redwoods by the arboretum, there is someone out there for each of us. Someone for you, and someone for me. I intend to find that person. i hold every memory, every moment we spent together in my heart, and i wish things had turned out a different way.
I love you. Goodbye.
Then there are times, little moments that remind me of you, remind me of everything that we used to be to each other and i get overwhelmed with this sadness. It washes over me in this tidal wave of force, threatening to knock me over and all i want to do is break down and start crying. To go running to you and tell you that i'm sorry, tell you that i do forgive you and that i wish we could go back to where we were. I'd tell you that i have no problems taking you back, because the truth is that i'm still in love you. I think i will always love you, even if i'm not always in love with you, because you were such a huge impact on my life. And it breaks my heart every time i realize that we didn't make it and that i can never be with you like that again.
I remember that night, almost four months into our relationship, when you drove me back to my dorm and we were really happy just talking and laughing and listening to music. Then when we arrived and you shut off the engine you just sat there for a little while. It took so much just for you to say it out loud, blushing red, a wide smile that couldn't hide. "I love you," you said, and i knew you meant it. And i meant it just as much when i said, "I love you too."
Sometimes, i want nothing more than to drive over to your place and wrap my arms around you and pretend that nothing bad happened. I want to kiss you like i used to, and hold you close like i used to, fall asleep beside you like we used to.
So, a couple days ago, when you told me you wanted me back, it took all that i had to say "no."
"No," because we've been here before; to this place where i'm begging for you to want me again. "No," because it's been too many times that i've been hurt and left out. "No," because i will not be the last resort, the thing that you treat however wrongly you want because you know i'll always take you back at the end of the day, and forgive you.
No, i will not always take you back at the end of the day. i can't anymore. it hurts too much. I can't be with you without constantly thinking that at any moment, you'll grow tired of me again and put me out with the waste. I love you, but my heart can only be stitched back together so many times, the growing patchwork of seems is weaker with each incision, and i'm afraid that one day i won't be able to sew it back together at all. I won't allow myself to go there. I love you, but i won't allow myself to hurt myself again.
You know what else has bothered me? The fact that you didn't even fight for me. After all that we've been through. All that i've done for you. Everything that i sacrificed of myself to be the best that i could be for you, you didn't even try. You asked once if i would take you back, and when i said no, that was it. You gave up. There was no "Please" or "I promise I'll be better" or "I can change." Nothing like that. It was as if, you expected me to take you back without any sort of consequences for what you've done to me. You're not willing to change at all to stay with me. You don't love me enough, didn't love me enough, for that sort of introspection.
Well, I'm sorry. I know that i'm always the one who apologizes, even if i shouldn't be. But i feel like someone has to. I'm sorry, but you've made up your mind, and i'm doing my best to support your decision. I may not be over you yet, but i will be. Like you said to me as we sat among the redwoods by the arboretum, there is someone out there for each of us. Someone for you, and someone for me. I intend to find that person. i hold every memory, every moment we spent together in my heart, and i wish things had turned out a different way.
I love you. Goodbye.