Wow... life can really suck sometimes...
So, Bonny and I worked shit out... long enough for me to move into the new apartment that we picked out together... and buy a big expensive bed for her. Then... 5 days before she was supposed to move out (and two days before my birthday)... she bailed. She's not coming. So, I threw away the money on my plane ticket... bought a bed I don't need (and can't afford) and am now stuck in an apartment that I can't afford for the next year. Yay. But that's just the money shit. Once again, I find a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with... and she fucking bails on me. Now... Zhoul was a fucking loony and I'm glad she's gone. The Staph Infection... well, that one was rough, but I fucked that one up a lot myself. But this one... in some ways, it's easier than the other two. I have a better sense of myself and I'm pretty sure I'm going to get through it. In other ways it's harder... I feel like I did everything right. (well, most things). And other than this incident, I can't pick out anything WRONG with Bonny (not that I believe in Right or Wrong... but wrong for me). But I'm totally fucking lost about this. I was SURE that this was gonna work. I've been a total wreck for the past week.
I thought Bonny was fantastic. In some ways, despite how fucked up this shit is... I still wanna try to make it work. But... how? How can I trust her at this point? I'd be expecting her to bail at every rough spot. Cold feet at the wedding? Gone. Bad argument? Gone. And, am I supposed to wait indefinitely while she works up the guts to actually move out here? I suppose I could move there... but SHE'S miserable there... and I KNOW I'd be miserable there... so what's the point in moving someplace where we'd both be miserable? Doesn't make sense. In fact... that's part of why this whole thing has sucked so bad for me. I feel like she'd rather stay there in a place that makes her miserable than take a chance on happiness with me. Doesn't say much for how she feels about me, does it?
This has been overwhelming. Beyond overwhelming. I keep expecting her to call me... to tell me that she still wants to be with me. I suppose I could make that call... but I feel like I've already done so much... only to have it thrown back in my face. I've tried to be so supportive through this whole thing... and she just rejected all of it.
I guess it's time to move on. But man... this won't be easy. I love that girl tons. Hmm... It's 7:30pm now... I would've landed a few hours ago and we'd be packing the last of her stuff up now to move back here. Fuck me.
I thought Bonny was fantastic. In some ways, despite how fucked up this shit is... I still wanna try to make it work. But... how? How can I trust her at this point? I'd be expecting her to bail at every rough spot. Cold feet at the wedding? Gone. Bad argument? Gone. And, am I supposed to wait indefinitely while she works up the guts to actually move out here? I suppose I could move there... but SHE'S miserable there... and I KNOW I'd be miserable there... so what's the point in moving someplace where we'd both be miserable? Doesn't make sense. In fact... that's part of why this whole thing has sucked so bad for me. I feel like she'd rather stay there in a place that makes her miserable than take a chance on happiness with me. Doesn't say much for how she feels about me, does it?
This has been overwhelming. Beyond overwhelming. I keep expecting her to call me... to tell me that she still wants to be with me. I suppose I could make that call... but I feel like I've already done so much... only to have it thrown back in my face. I've tried to be so supportive through this whole thing... and she just rejected all of it.
I guess it's time to move on. But man... this won't be easy. I love that girl tons. Hmm... It's 7:30pm now... I would've landed a few hours ago and we'd be packing the last of her stuff up now to move back here. Fuck me.