Wake up call

[bobcatlb4205]

If yesterday wasn't enough of a wake up call for me...then I don't know if anything will ever be a wake up call for me. The full reason for the wake up call was the biggest fight that Lauren and I have had to date. Once again, I can blame myself for blowing it all out of proportion. Here's what happened: Wedensday morning around 1:30 a.m., Lauren began an important convo with her frined Josh. I'm not gonna tell the details of the convo because you don't need to know them. So anyways, she really wasn't talking to me and she sed she was tired but she wasn't going to bed because she was in the middle of an important convo with Josh. I was like "Well, ok go ahead and finish your convo with him." She wanted to talk to me too but I thought that well if I'm not important enough to have an important convo with then why did I need to stay online? So I stayed on and around 1:45 I started feeling bad because I started getting a headache. Instead of getting off right then and there, I stayed on to talk to her. Well, I thought she was getting off and then she told me that she was stayin on instead. Well, I didn't know why she did this so I kinda got suspicious of what was going on. I asked her what the convo was about and she said that I didn't need to know. Then she told me that the convo was confidential. That set me off and instead of calming down, I yelled at her and jumped off AIM before she could truly explain. She called me 4 times after I jumped off, 3 on my cell and once on my home phhone and all 4 times, I rejected her calss. I hurt her by not talking to her and I didn't know that I had hurt her at that time. I didn't want to talk to her because I didn't want to say the wrong thing and then I would just dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Well, she informed me that by not talking to her I did pretty much the same thing. I felt bad and I was torn up all day yesterday. So when I finally did get a chance to talk to her she wasn't sure how she should feel about me anymore. She said that maybe we should end the relationship now before she could be hurt by me again. I told her that I couldn't do that. Yet, the convo still left things unsaid. Finally, around 10:25 p.m. last night we got our chance to straighten this thing out the way that we wanted to. We both were brutally honest with one another and she made me realize the many different sides of me and how I'm no liked by some people because I am that way. She wants the world to see the me that she sees everytime that we are together. I told her that I would work on it but it wasn't gonna be an easy change for me. We pretty much said everything that we needed to say to each other and after I felt like we were on better grounds I pretty much poured my heart out to her. I told her exacty the way that I felt about her and the realtionship. She listened and also offered her own outlook on me and our relationship. So we have pretty much made up except for the all important kiss to seal it all and to put it behind us. I never want to fight like this again and I believe that I do need to change my ways. I also have to realize that this realtionship will eventualy end but I'm not looking forward to it right now. I hate to even think about the end coming. I'm happy with her right now and that's all I care about.

Lauren, I never want to fight like that again. I know that I do trust you but I need to remember that I do. I came close to losing you and I didn't like the feeling. I love you so much!!! ~Ry