For your reading pleasure. A fond farewell to a friend.
Dear Sarah,
You’re the girl I loved once. I loved you so deeply. You were my entire world when we were together. I’m crying as I write this. I thought about you every single day. I wish things didn’t have to go the way they did. I wish you were still in my life. I wish you were still with me. I’ll always try to keep you somewhere in my mind. I wish that we were as young as we were then. Spending a summer lying in a meadow and looking at each other, stuck in that moment forever. I can still hold on to moments like these in my memories. I know they won’t go away. I can still see you smiling at every customer at Wegman’s, and at me standing behind them with my headphones on my neck and my sweaty mosquito control shirt on my chest. With a grin on my face that I never could stop. I can still see your face lying side ways on that pillow in my bedroom, your eyes purring with satisfaction and your smile a far east sun rising to meet me and meet me in the west. I wish we were still on the same planet, but this is the point where our lives part.
Yeah, it’s not like that anymore, is it? The pain is starting to heal. It will never leave completely. You’re the first girl I ever loved. I wish we hadn’t thrown it away, but I guess that’s how things go. I still think about you a lot, and it hurts every time. You’re just not the person you used to be anymore to me. You hurt me more than any human being ever has. Do you understand that? It hurts even worse because I know you loved me.
I don’t hate you. I never could. You understand that, I hope. It would be much easier to write this if I did. In fact I probably wouldn’t have to. I’ve never cut someone off like I’m cutting you off. I am only doing it because I can’t forgive you. I can’t forgive you for how much I love you. I can’t forgive you for how much you betrayed me.
Has anyone ever hurt you like this? Have you ever wanted to stay with someone so much no matter how much they hurt you? Have you ever finally decided that it means the worst pain imaginable and that you have to save yourself? I know you have. I know you know how this feels. I know you do. Think about your mother. How does it feel to be on the other end?
It’s a shame things had to go this way. We had so much potential. You have so much potential. You’re one of the most brilliant people I have ever known. You have such a beautiful spirit. You have an indomitable smile, and a glowing heart. I know you’re a good person. Despite the things you have done. I know you don’t want to do these things. I know you can’t help it sometimes even if you destroy yourself with guilt
. There are a lot of things people take for granted, being able to cheer themselves up when they’re sad. People can do the things they like to change their moods. They can feel their feelings without being consumed and destroyed like we’ve been. I woke up today in a funk. I was still thinking the thoughts of you that haunted me from the night before.
If it were any other day in life I used to live, it would consume me like it did before. I wouldn’t be able to get up. It would just ache. Waking up dead inside of my head, sapping my strength. Destroying my day. Sleep, the only thing that stave off the pain that would never go away.
It might be different. I might not have slept the night before. I might have been breaking bottles, fighting the walls, throwing holes through my windows. Maybe later I would know I could live without you. I could feel invulnerable. Every note in every song amplified, every taste a new and wonderful experience. I could have boundless amounts of energy and endless creativity coming out like a fountain. My thoughts could race so fast everything made sense, and I would know I was finally okay. Better than I’d ever been. But they wouldn’t stop. Ecstasy would turn to anger, endless irritability. Those racing thoughts beyond my control, turning dark, destructive again. Stuck on a train, high on the wrong drug. Until the only remedy is a razorblade.
That’s not what I did today. I put on the cd you’re listening to right now. I ate a cup of yogurt. I put myself in the right mood for this letter, and when I’m going to feel relieved, and go about the day the way I want to.
I’m not the same person I used to be. It was a scary transition to go through, but I’ve come out the other side. I’m not high, I’m not a different person than I was born. I’m intelligent, I’m confident in my abilities. I’m happy with myself, proud of myself. I’m applying to colleges, saving my money for my trip this summer. For college in the fall. I’m doing the things I like. I’m moving on and not afraid anymore to flirt with the girls I like. I can make friends when I want to, enjoy myself in the company of people that I’m not afraid are trying to hurt me anymore. I’m in the world around me now. I’m not trapped in my suffering. I’m the person I want to be.
I couldn’t be the way I am now without the two medications I’m taking. This is therapy, this is help. I trust my doctor, he’s helped me more than any doctor in any discipline ever has. I’m more in control of my life than I’ve ever been. I’m not drugged up to numb the pain. That’s not how they treat bipolar disorder anymore.
I’m so afraid for you Sarah. I don’t see you getting better. I see you lost, not knowing where to go. I see you wanting to go to college but not knowing how. I see you putting things off because you don’t know how to bring yourself to do them. If you go to your cousin’s debutante ball you’re going to get fired. You can’t lose your health insurance Sarah. Especially if you want to get better and get in control of you life. I hope that you don’t get knocked up and trap yourself with a life that isn’t satisfying for you. You deserve better. You can do much better than you’re doing right now. If you don’t want to relive you parent’s relationship, make a decision to get better first and I know the rest will follow. We were playing roles when we were together.
Sarah, if there’s anyone who knows you it’s me. I’m not asking you to do this for me. I’m asking you to do it for yourself. I’m not going to see you after this. Your life is your own, and I’m not going to be in it anymore. I know you better than anyone ever has. I know you’re stubborn but I want you to take my advice on this one thing. If you ever take a leap and trust someone’s advice in your whole life do it now. Just see a psychiatrist and let him help you. It’s such a small thing to do, but it will help you immensely. A half an hour appointment every once in a while isn’t going to kill you. Just try it. That’s all you have to do. Just try it. This is the last thing I’m ever going to ask of you. These cd’s and this letter are the last gift I’m ever going to give you. Knowing that you’re emotionally stable and in control of your life would be the greatest gift I could ever get.
A doctor like mine can help you too. You can’t see it yet, but trust me you’ll be better off. I’m leaving his card in this package. He’s the best one in the area. Save it. Save this letter even if you don’t agree with it right now. Save it for the day that you don’t have any other answers left and you don’t know what to do. Save it for the day that you feel like I’ve felt, and don’t anymore. Take it out and read it. Seeing you happy and living the life you want to live would make me so happy, I really wish you the most wonderful life you can have. The life you deserve. I don’t think I’ll ever quite stop loving you.
The boy you grew up with,
Yours in your memories,
Brian
You’re the girl I loved once. I loved you so deeply. You were my entire world when we were together. I’m crying as I write this. I thought about you every single day. I wish things didn’t have to go the way they did. I wish you were still in my life. I wish you were still with me. I’ll always try to keep you somewhere in my mind. I wish that we were as young as we were then. Spending a summer lying in a meadow and looking at each other, stuck in that moment forever. I can still hold on to moments like these in my memories. I know they won’t go away. I can still see you smiling at every customer at Wegman’s, and at me standing behind them with my headphones on my neck and my sweaty mosquito control shirt on my chest. With a grin on my face that I never could stop. I can still see your face lying side ways on that pillow in my bedroom, your eyes purring with satisfaction and your smile a far east sun rising to meet me and meet me in the west. I wish we were still on the same planet, but this is the point where our lives part.
Yeah, it’s not like that anymore, is it? The pain is starting to heal. It will never leave completely. You’re the first girl I ever loved. I wish we hadn’t thrown it away, but I guess that’s how things go. I still think about you a lot, and it hurts every time. You’re just not the person you used to be anymore to me. You hurt me more than any human being ever has. Do you understand that? It hurts even worse because I know you loved me.
I don’t hate you. I never could. You understand that, I hope. It would be much easier to write this if I did. In fact I probably wouldn’t have to. I’ve never cut someone off like I’m cutting you off. I am only doing it because I can’t forgive you. I can’t forgive you for how much I love you. I can’t forgive you for how much you betrayed me.
Has anyone ever hurt you like this? Have you ever wanted to stay with someone so much no matter how much they hurt you? Have you ever finally decided that it means the worst pain imaginable and that you have to save yourself? I know you have. I know you know how this feels. I know you do. Think about your mother. How does it feel to be on the other end?
It’s a shame things had to go this way. We had so much potential. You have so much potential. You’re one of the most brilliant people I have ever known. You have such a beautiful spirit. You have an indomitable smile, and a glowing heart. I know you’re a good person. Despite the things you have done. I know you don’t want to do these things. I know you can’t help it sometimes even if you destroy yourself with guilt
. There are a lot of things people take for granted, being able to cheer themselves up when they’re sad. People can do the things they like to change their moods. They can feel their feelings without being consumed and destroyed like we’ve been. I woke up today in a funk. I was still thinking the thoughts of you that haunted me from the night before.
If it were any other day in life I used to live, it would consume me like it did before. I wouldn’t be able to get up. It would just ache. Waking up dead inside of my head, sapping my strength. Destroying my day. Sleep, the only thing that stave off the pain that would never go away.
It might be different. I might not have slept the night before. I might have been breaking bottles, fighting the walls, throwing holes through my windows. Maybe later I would know I could live without you. I could feel invulnerable. Every note in every song amplified, every taste a new and wonderful experience. I could have boundless amounts of energy and endless creativity coming out like a fountain. My thoughts could race so fast everything made sense, and I would know I was finally okay. Better than I’d ever been. But they wouldn’t stop. Ecstasy would turn to anger, endless irritability. Those racing thoughts beyond my control, turning dark, destructive again. Stuck on a train, high on the wrong drug. Until the only remedy is a razorblade.
That’s not what I did today. I put on the cd you’re listening to right now. I ate a cup of yogurt. I put myself in the right mood for this letter, and when I’m going to feel relieved, and go about the day the way I want to.
I’m not the same person I used to be. It was a scary transition to go through, but I’ve come out the other side. I’m not high, I’m not a different person than I was born. I’m intelligent, I’m confident in my abilities. I’m happy with myself, proud of myself. I’m applying to colleges, saving my money for my trip this summer. For college in the fall. I’m doing the things I like. I’m moving on and not afraid anymore to flirt with the girls I like. I can make friends when I want to, enjoy myself in the company of people that I’m not afraid are trying to hurt me anymore. I’m in the world around me now. I’m not trapped in my suffering. I’m the person I want to be.
I couldn’t be the way I am now without the two medications I’m taking. This is therapy, this is help. I trust my doctor, he’s helped me more than any doctor in any discipline ever has. I’m more in control of my life than I’ve ever been. I’m not drugged up to numb the pain. That’s not how they treat bipolar disorder anymore.
I’m so afraid for you Sarah. I don’t see you getting better. I see you lost, not knowing where to go. I see you wanting to go to college but not knowing how. I see you putting things off because you don’t know how to bring yourself to do them. If you go to your cousin’s debutante ball you’re going to get fired. You can’t lose your health insurance Sarah. Especially if you want to get better and get in control of you life. I hope that you don’t get knocked up and trap yourself with a life that isn’t satisfying for you. You deserve better. You can do much better than you’re doing right now. If you don’t want to relive you parent’s relationship, make a decision to get better first and I know the rest will follow. We were playing roles when we were together.
Sarah, if there’s anyone who knows you it’s me. I’m not asking you to do this for me. I’m asking you to do it for yourself. I’m not going to see you after this. Your life is your own, and I’m not going to be in it anymore. I know you better than anyone ever has. I know you’re stubborn but I want you to take my advice on this one thing. If you ever take a leap and trust someone’s advice in your whole life do it now. Just see a psychiatrist and let him help you. It’s such a small thing to do, but it will help you immensely. A half an hour appointment every once in a while isn’t going to kill you. Just try it. That’s all you have to do. Just try it. This is the last thing I’m ever going to ask of you. These cd’s and this letter are the last gift I’m ever going to give you. Knowing that you’re emotionally stable and in control of your life would be the greatest gift I could ever get.
A doctor like mine can help you too. You can’t see it yet, but trust me you’ll be better off. I’m leaving his card in this package. He’s the best one in the area. Save it. Save this letter even if you don’t agree with it right now. Save it for the day that you don’t have any other answers left and you don’t know what to do. Save it for the day that you feel like I’ve felt, and don’t anymore. Take it out and read it. Seeing you happy and living the life you want to live would make me so happy, I really wish you the most wonderful life you can have. The life you deserve. I don’t think I’ll ever quite stop loving you.
The boy you grew up with,
Yours in your memories,
Brian