(no subject)
Today was a fun day. Only worked for two hours, then it was the Christmas party. The whole department went to carabbas, free food, really good food too, and I got an alarm clock from the gift exchange. Cool right? So that was fun, had a good time.
Not much else is goin on. Kinda bummed about something I saw. I don't really know how to describe it. It's not that I'm hurt, or jealous, or whatever, it is just weird.
Nate is in a relationship. I knew he was seeing him, now it's official. I'm just upset with myself that I can't move on like he can. I haven't found someone that really catches my attention, or at least that feels the same. Well there is one, but I'm so scared to start something. Plus, I do still have feelings for Nate. They are more feelings of wanting to start over and try everything again, do things differently. We hurt each other pretty bad, especially after breaking up. I never thought we would fight and be like we are now, it makes me sad.
I know he thinks that my journals are "flippant" and not really meaningful, but this is all truly from the heart (I admit that many of my earlier entries are out of pure anger). I honestly can't help or completely describe how I feel. I'm an emotional person, it's part of who I am. I sometimes think it is problematic, but I like that I have the ability to "feel". It often creates havoc in my life, but such is life.
I've tried very very hard to just completely forget about him. I can't. Our relationship seemed very good. I really do think it was. I was happy. I can't stop remembering! I hate it.
I truly want him to be happy. It hurts so bad to know that he doesn't want anything to do with me. It is ultimately my fault. I made some bad choices, but then again so did he. I am most definitely not a perfect person, and I try to live without regrets; sometimes, it's really hard.
I also hope he is making the right choice, I don't want him to go through that hurt again, for the same reasons we did.
The biggest problem I have right now, is hearing about his life from gossip or checking his profiles. I would very much like to just shoot the shit with him, I miss that. I most of all miss him being interested in me, and my family. Is that jealousy?
Not gonna lie, New years is going to be hard. It would be me and Nate's 1 year. Wow..already? It will be a sad night, knowing that he is kissing someone else. Of course he has been for quite a while, but there is always a hope inside wondering, if maybe, he feels the same. Can't happen now.
I hope you read this Nate...I still have feelings for you, call it love, call it whatever. Just having you initiate a conversation would mean a lot. There is a void in my life, because I'm quite sure you don't feel the same. I hope you can find someone who cares about you as much as I do, but doesn't freak out like me, haha. I don't mean this in the way I used to, because I can't, but I love you and I always will. Be happy.
Never knew it was so hard to get over such a deep love, not to mention the first true love. Maybe someday..... weeks, months, years from now, it can happen again. Is it really possible to completely dismiss something like that??...I just can't.
So friends, this is me, in my weakest moment. I know I've been a weak little bitch in the past months, but you know what I can. Everyone goes through it. There are degrees to which people deal with it, and I obviously don't deal well. I thank all the friends that have put up with it. I know there are some people that think I'm "manipulating and pulling a cloud" over the ones who show attention. Eh, I'm not. I've found that writing makes me feel better.
Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me
Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
Not much else is goin on. Kinda bummed about something I saw. I don't really know how to describe it. It's not that I'm hurt, or jealous, or whatever, it is just weird.
Nate is in a relationship. I knew he was seeing him, now it's official. I'm just upset with myself that I can't move on like he can. I haven't found someone that really catches my attention, or at least that feels the same. Well there is one, but I'm so scared to start something. Plus, I do still have feelings for Nate. They are more feelings of wanting to start over and try everything again, do things differently. We hurt each other pretty bad, especially after breaking up. I never thought we would fight and be like we are now, it makes me sad.
I know he thinks that my journals are "flippant" and not really meaningful, but this is all truly from the heart (I admit that many of my earlier entries are out of pure anger). I honestly can't help or completely describe how I feel. I'm an emotional person, it's part of who I am. I sometimes think it is problematic, but I like that I have the ability to "feel". It often creates havoc in my life, but such is life.
I've tried very very hard to just completely forget about him. I can't. Our relationship seemed very good. I really do think it was. I was happy. I can't stop remembering! I hate it.
I truly want him to be happy. It hurts so bad to know that he doesn't want anything to do with me. It is ultimately my fault. I made some bad choices, but then again so did he. I am most definitely not a perfect person, and I try to live without regrets; sometimes, it's really hard.
I also hope he is making the right choice, I don't want him to go through that hurt again, for the same reasons we did.
The biggest problem I have right now, is hearing about his life from gossip or checking his profiles. I would very much like to just shoot the shit with him, I miss that. I most of all miss him being interested in me, and my family. Is that jealousy?
Not gonna lie, New years is going to be hard. It would be me and Nate's 1 year. Wow..already? It will be a sad night, knowing that he is kissing someone else. Of course he has been for quite a while, but there is always a hope inside wondering, if maybe, he feels the same. Can't happen now.
I hope you read this Nate...I still have feelings for you, call it love, call it whatever. Just having you initiate a conversation would mean a lot. There is a void in my life, because I'm quite sure you don't feel the same. I hope you can find someone who cares about you as much as I do, but doesn't freak out like me, haha. I don't mean this in the way I used to, because I can't, but I love you and I always will. Be happy.
Never knew it was so hard to get over such a deep love, not to mention the first true love. Maybe someday..... weeks, months, years from now, it can happen again. Is it really possible to completely dismiss something like that??...I just can't.
So friends, this is me, in my weakest moment. I know I've been a weak little bitch in the past months, but you know what I can. Everyone goes through it. There are degrees to which people deal with it, and I obviously don't deal well. I thank all the friends that have put up with it. I know there are some people that think I'm "manipulating and pulling a cloud" over the ones who show attention. Eh, I'm not. I've found that writing makes me feel better.
Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me
Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home