Journal Entry
My "cut" icon is suddenly working again. Hooraay!
My appointement with Dr. H. (opthalmologist) got cancelled today, but not before i had cleaned myself up and put on some decent clothes both of which i would have put off doing until whenever. Older daughter came by to visit and i was presentable so the cancelled appointment was a double blessing.
Younger daughter will be in town late next week and i expect the three of us will do some stuff. I love them more than i love my aloneness, so it will be good.
The silence and emptiness remain, and i cannot tell whether it is grief, spiritual growth, or laziness. Most likely it is a combination of the three. I will call it spiritual growth because otherwise my ego will nag me until i get up and do something i really don't want to do and will serve no purpose other than to feed it. God, that thing is hungry! It prefers to remain incognito while getting me to do whatever it wants me to do. But if i am aware of it, it will use that awareness to "drive me to exhaustion." as Jos Stabbert might say. Since i still do not have a clear channel to my True Self, i follow the advice of my friends to "do what feels right."
Right now, nothing much feels right; but not much feels wrong, either. Doing nothing seems less and
less wrong, which is possibly a message from the universe. If Rolf Jacobsen's poem is right, we should all sleep more and pretend to be asleep much of the rest of the time.
I have long been at peace with (in) silence. Now it is time to start making friends with emptiness.
Equanimity, loving kindness, compassion, and joy!