Things Ian Has Declared War On
As Commander in Chief and sole legislative body of Ian Booth, I am invoking my God-given power to declare that a state of war exists between me and the following:
1) Amoebas. Actually this war was declared some time ago, and has subsequently been concluded by the introduction of the Atom Bomb, cipro. You know, the stuff that kills anthrax. Fucking ANTHRAX, man.
2) Yellow Jackets. Another one I've actually already declared and waged successfully with gasoline, as you know. Ah, gasoline. What CAN'T you kill?
3) Dormition of the Theotokos Greek Orthodox Church. Yeah, that's my old parish in Greensboro. A bunch of shriveled old Greek douchebags who wanted a little Hellenistic social club instead of a church ran out our priest, so fuck 'em. I never particularly cared for the Greeks anyway, and this tears it. I'll start going to the one in High Point, or Raleigh if it's absolutely necessary.
4) Poverty. Specifically, mine. My mission next week is to try to procure employment so I can have money and spend it on beer.
5) Sobriety. Again, specifically mine. To that end my OTHER mission in Raleigh in the coming week is to be very drunk much of the time, preferably during my job interviews.
6) My own GPA. I believe I have already won a crucial battle by literally failing one of two of my summer classes, which was acheived by failing to turn in the sum of all my homework (30% of my grade), my final exam (10%), and my major writing project (10%).
1) Amoebas. Actually this war was declared some time ago, and has subsequently been concluded by the introduction of the Atom Bomb, cipro. You know, the stuff that kills anthrax. Fucking ANTHRAX, man.
2) Yellow Jackets. Another one I've actually already declared and waged successfully with gasoline, as you know. Ah, gasoline. What CAN'T you kill?
3) Dormition of the Theotokos Greek Orthodox Church. Yeah, that's my old parish in Greensboro. A bunch of shriveled old Greek douchebags who wanted a little Hellenistic social club instead of a church ran out our priest, so fuck 'em. I never particularly cared for the Greeks anyway, and this tears it. I'll start going to the one in High Point, or Raleigh if it's absolutely necessary.
4) Poverty. Specifically, mine. My mission next week is to try to procure employment so I can have money and spend it on beer.
5) Sobriety. Again, specifically mine. To that end my OTHER mission in Raleigh in the coming week is to be very drunk much of the time, preferably during my job interviews.
6) My own GPA. I believe I have already won a crucial battle by literally failing one of two of my summer classes, which was acheived by failing to turn in the sum of all my homework (30% of my grade), my final exam (10%), and my major writing project (10%).