Smitty Drops In
I ran into an old friend of mine today. Well... he never was a friend. More of an advanced acquaintance, if you will. I haven't seen him since the summer of 2004, so we had a lot of "catching up" to do.
Just a disclaimer... He isn't a "tool", per se. What I like to think is over exuberant with a side order of malnourished arrogance.
His name is Ryan Smith, but everyone called him Smitty as a nickname. He once joked that he should just change his name to accommodate it. We all laughed.... not so much anymore.
"Yeah, a week or so after I turned 19, I went up to the courthouse and applied to change my name legally to Ryan Smitty! You guys fuckin' laughed but I did it! See it's on my driver's license. Isn't that awesome?!"
We talked about sports... well, he talked about sports. I just responded every ten seconds with a varying assault of "You're full of shit", "You're fucking naive if you believe that", or "Denial is an ugly thing"....
"Dude I knew A-Rod was on steroids the entire fucking time. I bet Jeter is on them too. And Posada. And Pettitte. And Rivera. And Texiera. And all them fucking losers! Because every single Yankee ever was a cheater. Even Babe Ruth and Yogi Berra were on steroids, don't try to deny it!" ... "Have you noticed that no Sox players were found guilty yet? Oh yeah, that's right. Because they are the only good and clean team out there. They win clean in a league of cheaters. How awesome is that that they could win even on an uneven playing field! Fuck you, Bobbo!"
And at the suggestion that even Red Sox fans are conceding that David Ortiz, Jason Varitek, and a couple others stuck themselves with juice?
"No fucking way, dude! Big Papi is my homeboy! And Tek is just getting old, but he was SOLID back in the day. Don't drag a REAL team down with your fucking cheating asses!"
Of course, it's his false sense of grandeur that makes me think 4 and a half years wasn't long enough talking to him. But the subject changed quickly.
"Oh, did I tell you I have a little baby daughter now?"
He showed me a picture, and she was a lovely 5 month old girl. And I should've seen the next thing coming...
"Dude, guess what her name is?"
This ought to be good....
"Mega"
"Mega?" I pronounced back to him.
"Yep. Guess her middle name."
I hate that phrase. A lot. "Guess this". I don't want to, because the way we word that phrase makes it an answer we never would guess. Plus when people use that expression, chances are good people are barely listening anyway. So you threaten to lose their attention with that annoying ass statement. But anyway...
"Awesome!"
....."What?"
"That's her middle name. Awesome!"
So... your daughter's name is...
Mega Awesome Smitty
And I'm speechless. But I humor him. "Wow, how in the world did you convince the mother to allow that?"
"Oh that's easy. I got her drunk. She never says no to me when she's hammered. But I guess that's how we ended up in this situation to begin with."
Too... much... info....
"It's good though. She got a monogram nameplate that says 'Meg', but my girl just took a sharpie and put an 'a' at the end of it."
What great parents they will be. I hope neighbors have child services on speed dial.
*fart*
Seriously? In the middle of this retail store?
"Sorry man, just had a sack of burgers from Wendy's and I got the runs. But we'll still talk. Here, follow me into the bathroom."
I've never been so happy to utter the phrase. "I have to get back to work."
He gave me a man-hug and pushed aside an innocent 9 year old girl to get into the bathroom.
You know, I take it back. He is just a tool. But an amusing one. I look forward to our next encounter five years from now.
Maybe I'll get to meet Mega Awesome Smitty by that point!
Just a disclaimer... He isn't a "tool", per se. What I like to think is over exuberant with a side order of malnourished arrogance.
His name is Ryan Smith, but everyone called him Smitty as a nickname. He once joked that he should just change his name to accommodate it. We all laughed.... not so much anymore.
"Yeah, a week or so after I turned 19, I went up to the courthouse and applied to change my name legally to Ryan Smitty! You guys fuckin' laughed but I did it! See it's on my driver's license. Isn't that awesome?!"
We talked about sports... well, he talked about sports. I just responded every ten seconds with a varying assault of "You're full of shit", "You're fucking naive if you believe that", or "Denial is an ugly thing"....
"Dude I knew A-Rod was on steroids the entire fucking time. I bet Jeter is on them too. And Posada. And Pettitte. And Rivera. And Texiera. And all them fucking losers! Because every single Yankee ever was a cheater. Even Babe Ruth and Yogi Berra were on steroids, don't try to deny it!" ... "Have you noticed that no Sox players were found guilty yet? Oh yeah, that's right. Because they are the only good and clean team out there. They win clean in a league of cheaters. How awesome is that that they could win even on an uneven playing field! Fuck you, Bobbo!"
And at the suggestion that even Red Sox fans are conceding that David Ortiz, Jason Varitek, and a couple others stuck themselves with juice?
"No fucking way, dude! Big Papi is my homeboy! And Tek is just getting old, but he was SOLID back in the day. Don't drag a REAL team down with your fucking cheating asses!"
Of course, it's his false sense of grandeur that makes me think 4 and a half years wasn't long enough talking to him. But the subject changed quickly.
"Oh, did I tell you I have a little baby daughter now?"
He showed me a picture, and she was a lovely 5 month old girl. And I should've seen the next thing coming...
"Dude, guess what her name is?"
This ought to be good....
"Mega"
"Mega?" I pronounced back to him.
"Yep. Guess her middle name."
I hate that phrase. A lot. "Guess this". I don't want to, because the way we word that phrase makes it an answer we never would guess. Plus when people use that expression, chances are good people are barely listening anyway. So you threaten to lose their attention with that annoying ass statement. But anyway...
"Awesome!"
....."What?"
"That's her middle name. Awesome!"
So... your daughter's name is...
Mega Awesome Smitty
And I'm speechless. But I humor him. "Wow, how in the world did you convince the mother to allow that?"
"Oh that's easy. I got her drunk. She never says no to me when she's hammered. But I guess that's how we ended up in this situation to begin with."
Too... much... info....
"It's good though. She got a monogram nameplate that says 'Meg', but my girl just took a sharpie and put an 'a' at the end of it."
What great parents they will be. I hope neighbors have child services on speed dial.
*fart*
Seriously? In the middle of this retail store?
"Sorry man, just had a sack of burgers from Wendy's and I got the runs. But we'll still talk. Here, follow me into the bathroom."
I've never been so happy to utter the phrase. "I have to get back to work."
He gave me a man-hug and pushed aside an innocent 9 year old girl to get into the bathroom.
You know, I take it back. He is just a tool. But an amusing one. I look forward to our next encounter five years from now.
Maybe I'll get to meet Mega Awesome Smitty by that point!