It's Showtime!
It's official. Basketball fans from the 1980s are creaming their pants. So is David Stern. Somewhere, Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabar are dreading the amount of interviews they'll be doing. ESPN and TNT will replay the Havlicek steal in upwards of 945 times. Boston loves it. Los Angeles loves it. And Detroit and San Antonio are crying "Conspiracy!"
Boston Celtics vs. Los Angeles Lakers in the 2008 NBA Finals.
David Stern is horny with the media blitz and massive TV ratings this championship is going to rake in. He thinks about the marketing potential as he jerks off at night. Truth be told, on a marketing standpoint, this will be one of the best NBA Finals in a long time. And they're amazingly lucky. Because we were two wrong turns away from another Detroit/San Antonio drudgery. Though they were clearly the most superior teams in the league, it was one of the worst rated finals ever.
Because of this fact, there's a hubub going around some bitter NBA fans claiming that Stern pulled the strings to make this happen to get his media rave, and to be spared another abysmal Motown vs. Alamo disaster. To all who believe there is any conspiracy going on, I offer this sentiment:
Yeah, fuck off. God forbid the two best teams in the league makes the championship. Bad officiating will always be around, so deal with.
At any rate, any NBA fan should really look forward to this finals. The two most storied franchises in the sport meeting again for the right to kiss that golden ball.... wait.
I thought I'd take time to preview each game in a fair and non-biased perspective. That's fair and unbiased. Here goes:
Game 1
Clearly the Celtics will absolutely annihilate the Lakers. Are you kidding me? Boston Celtics, back home at the Garden. Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce finally tasting the championship level, so close to quenching their NBA title thirsts. They're going to be absolutely pumped. There's no way they lose this one. Not even close.
Score: 103-80
KG's already LONG forgotten about his Minnesota days.
Game 2
Taking the first game really amps up the team, so they come out a little squirrelly. The Kobes take a halftime lead, but lose it very quickly as soon as Paul Pierce transforms into his alter ego The Defendroid. He will eliminate Kobe with a shot of his Piercing Laser and score 49 points in the 3rd quarter alone. With their MVP nothing but a pile of ash, the Lakers prove no better than a special olympic team.
Score: 113-72
The NBA MVP after the C's get through with him
Game 3
LA and their fans will feel bad about being down 2-0 but would feel good about being back at home in Smog City. The bad smog finally reveals that Pau Gasol is nothing but a robot with bad knees. He's eliminated and the Lakers are forced to forfeit. But KG and his crew want to play anyway, and even volunteer Kendrick Perkins sit out the game to make up for Gasol's absence. Doesn't matter as Garnett takes advantage by grabbing 54 rebounds in the game, 39 of them on the offensive end. Ray Allen becomes the first person ever to hit for more than 100% from behind the three point line after one of his three pointers actually counted twice due to a glitch in the space-time continuum (that exists in LA, right?)
Score: 125-69
Gasol is a robot? Not much of a disguise.
Game 4
Last chance for the Lakers. It's clear they're outmanned. Most of their bench didn't even bother to show up. But they still have enough to field a team. It's Luke Walton, Jordan Farmar, Lamar Odom's disembodied leg, Pau the Robot Gasol, and the charred remains of Kobe Bryant against the unstoppable Celtics. The Lakers don't bother coming out after halftime, conceding the game to the C's. But Boston insists on playing the two 12 minute quarters remaining. Needless to say, Wilt Chamberlain's record is broken. With no defense, it's BRIAN FUCKING SCALABRINE scoring 212 points in the second half. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a championship team.
Score: 379-12
Move over, Wilt. You mean NOTHING now.
So there you have it. Not only will the Celtics sweep, but they will single-handedly kill the Lakers. Not figuratively. There will be funerals for the purple and gold by this time in a couple weeks.
Boston Celtics vs. Los Angeles Lakers in the 2008 NBA Finals.
David Stern is horny with the media blitz and massive TV ratings this championship is going to rake in. He thinks about the marketing potential as he jerks off at night. Truth be told, on a marketing standpoint, this will be one of the best NBA Finals in a long time. And they're amazingly lucky. Because we were two wrong turns away from another Detroit/San Antonio drudgery. Though they were clearly the most superior teams in the league, it was one of the worst rated finals ever.
Because of this fact, there's a hubub going around some bitter NBA fans claiming that Stern pulled the strings to make this happen to get his media rave, and to be spared another abysmal Motown vs. Alamo disaster. To all who believe there is any conspiracy going on, I offer this sentiment:
Yeah, fuck off. God forbid the two best teams in the league makes the championship. Bad officiating will always be around, so deal with.
At any rate, any NBA fan should really look forward to this finals. The two most storied franchises in the sport meeting again for the right to kiss that golden ball.... wait.
I thought I'd take time to preview each game in a fair and non-biased perspective. That's fair and unbiased. Here goes:
Game 1
Clearly the Celtics will absolutely annihilate the Lakers. Are you kidding me? Boston Celtics, back home at the Garden. Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce finally tasting the championship level, so close to quenching their NBA title thirsts. They're going to be absolutely pumped. There's no way they lose this one. Not even close.
Score: 103-80
KG's already LONG forgotten about his Minnesota days.
Game 2
Taking the first game really amps up the team, so they come out a little squirrelly. The Kobes take a halftime lead, but lose it very quickly as soon as Paul Pierce transforms into his alter ego The Defendroid. He will eliminate Kobe with a shot of his Piercing Laser and score 49 points in the 3rd quarter alone. With their MVP nothing but a pile of ash, the Lakers prove no better than a special olympic team.
Score: 113-72
The NBA MVP after the C's get through with him
Game 3
LA and their fans will feel bad about being down 2-0 but would feel good about being back at home in Smog City. The bad smog finally reveals that Pau Gasol is nothing but a robot with bad knees. He's eliminated and the Lakers are forced to forfeit. But KG and his crew want to play anyway, and even volunteer Kendrick Perkins sit out the game to make up for Gasol's absence. Doesn't matter as Garnett takes advantage by grabbing 54 rebounds in the game, 39 of them on the offensive end. Ray Allen becomes the first person ever to hit for more than 100% from behind the three point line after one of his three pointers actually counted twice due to a glitch in the space-time continuum (that exists in LA, right?)
Score: 125-69
Gasol is a robot? Not much of a disguise.
Game 4
Last chance for the Lakers. It's clear they're outmanned. Most of their bench didn't even bother to show up. But they still have enough to field a team. It's Luke Walton, Jordan Farmar, Lamar Odom's disembodied leg, Pau the Robot Gasol, and the charred remains of Kobe Bryant against the unstoppable Celtics. The Lakers don't bother coming out after halftime, conceding the game to the C's. But Boston insists on playing the two 12 minute quarters remaining. Needless to say, Wilt Chamberlain's record is broken. With no defense, it's BRIAN FUCKING SCALABRINE scoring 212 points in the second half. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a championship team.
Score: 379-12
Move over, Wilt. You mean NOTHING now.
So there you have it. Not only will the Celtics sweep, but they will single-handedly kill the Lakers. Not figuratively. There will be funerals for the purple and gold by this time in a couple weeks.