Are You Smarter Than a Dumbass?
For those of you who are smart enough to not watch that much TV--or if you're like me, those smart enough to have stopped watching FOX a long time ago--you have never picked a better time to refrain from being a primetime whore. Because if you were, and you picked up your remote and tuned into FOX at 8:00 on a Thursday evening, you will have your faith in humanity shattered. Like I have.
Feast your eyes on this excerpt from America's most astounding new game show:
Fifth graders? Little kids? Grown men with very low IQs? Yes, the name of this game show is Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader. That clip alone made me want to stab myself in the face with a garden trowel. The fact that this show exists just completely destroys any and all sense of pride this country has given me.
God damn ridiculous. Who the hell would sit and watch this show for the sake of amusement, and not just for ironic satire or discovering just how sorry this species is? Better yet, who would want to go on it? Obviously, they want to find the most mentally inept stooges to take the stage against a herd of school students. But who sits at home watching and goes "Well golly, I'm smarter than a 5th grader! I'll be able to clean house in that game! SIGN ME UP!"? At what price is your dignity not worth kicking down? I can just imagine the application of interest to be on the show. I'm pretty sure that if you check off under the interests section NASCAR, country music, Larry the Cable Guy, and Jerry Springer, you automatically get put on the show. I really really want to believe the contestants on the show aren't as dumb as they make themselves out to be. I think sometimes that's the case, where they just tell contestants to play dumb. But sometimes I think that some of them really are that dumb; dumb enough to even surprise Jeff Foxworthy.
Wouldn't you love to have been in the meeting room at the FOX studios while they pitched this idea? "You're gonna love this, chief. So, we have a great idea for that Thursday night spot! Picture this. Grown men. In a battle of wits. But the twist? It's against FIFTH GRADERS! It'll be hilarious! The ratings will go through the roof!" ... "That is GENIUS, Wilkins! This will be a perfect follow up from our Fall special Fast Animals/Slow Children!"
There is so much that is wrong with this show, starting with the host. Jeff Foxworthy. I would bitch and moan about his tired antics, pathetic abuse of stereotype, and why he needs to be shot for introducing the word "redneck" so veraciously into the vocabulary. But you know, I really couldn't pick a host more befitting of this tragic excuse for a game show. Honestly, a hero to hicks everywhere hosting a show that hicks would consider a real teaser to the brain.
Another thing is the fact that they're playing for real money. If these people are struggling to answer basic elementary level trivia, they are really the last people you want to hand a $5,000 check to. After owning a bunch of little kids, they'll take their winnings and buy themselves some stock in Enron or something like that. Stupid is as stupid does.
False drama. The shifting lights and heart-thumping dramatic background music, as well as taking several minutes in between answers, has become well entrenched as a staple in 21st century gameshows. You can blame Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for that little addition. But on a show like this, it makes absolutely no sense. There is no drama. The psuedo-drama is far more suited to questions that actually make you think, such as on Millionaire. Who was the king of Saudi Arabia in the 1800's?, that's far more to think about than What's 6 x 10. I guess they're using the drama tactic to build up the dumbness factor. Either way, there is nothing dramatic about this game in the least.
I'll tell you what's amusing as all hell though. It wasn't seen in that clip, but I have seen it. When a contestant gets an answer right, they celebrate like they had just solved AIDS. Or even better, they try to rub it in the kids' faces. "YEAH, you little elementary fuck! I know the capitol of Maine! Bangor, motherfuckers! Kiss my 38 year old ass, you 10 year old dumbshit! YEAH!" I hope your ego gets boosted off of your showing up a 5th grader, you poor pathetic douchebag.
I find it crazy how bad TV gameshows are getting. But I know it's only going to get worse. I thought Deal or No Deal was bad enough. Didn't game shows use to involve some sort of technique or critical thinking? Deal or No Deal requires no thought process or level of intelligence whatsoever. Here's the game in a nutshell: Pick 3 suitcases. Pick 3 more. Do you want money? Ok, pick 3 more. Do you want more money? Pick another suitcase. Do you want money? Pick one more suitcase. Ok ok ok, now do you want.... MONEY? How do they possibly cram that much excitement into just one hour?!
Of course, Japan will always have us beat in the crazy gameshow department. There is just no competing with those crazy suckers. Their games involve actual injuries and other assorted hurtiness. But this just absolutely blew my mind. I read in the local newspaper the other day that in Norway they're going to air a reality show where a dying wealthy woman is going to donate her kidney. She's going to be talking to all the "contestants" and make her decision (with help from the viewing audience of course). That's absolute horrid. That's almost as distasteful as FOX approving a show for OJ. Take other people's crippling disease and market it for ratings. Humanity fucking sucks.
In closing, yes, I am smarter than a fifth grader. But I actually have dignity and wouldn't toss it away to go on this show, though showing up little kids is always a plus. I must say though that the show would get a lot better ratings if the show was called How Far Can You Throw a Fifth Grader? Child violence? Yes please.
Feast your eyes on this excerpt from America's most astounding new game show:
Click to viewFifth graders? Little kids? Grown men with very low IQs? Yes, the name of this game show is Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader. That clip alone made me want to stab myself in the face with a garden trowel. The fact that this show exists just completely destroys any and all sense of pride this country has given me.
God damn ridiculous. Who the hell would sit and watch this show for the sake of amusement, and not just for ironic satire or discovering just how sorry this species is? Better yet, who would want to go on it? Obviously, they want to find the most mentally inept stooges to take the stage against a herd of school students. But who sits at home watching and goes "Well golly, I'm smarter than a 5th grader! I'll be able to clean house in that game! SIGN ME UP!"? At what price is your dignity not worth kicking down? I can just imagine the application of interest to be on the show. I'm pretty sure that if you check off under the interests section NASCAR, country music, Larry the Cable Guy, and Jerry Springer, you automatically get put on the show. I really really want to believe the contestants on the show aren't as dumb as they make themselves out to be. I think sometimes that's the case, where they just tell contestants to play dumb. But sometimes I think that some of them really are that dumb; dumb enough to even surprise Jeff Foxworthy.
Wouldn't you love to have been in the meeting room at the FOX studios while they pitched this idea? "You're gonna love this, chief. So, we have a great idea for that Thursday night spot! Picture this. Grown men. In a battle of wits. But the twist? It's against FIFTH GRADERS! It'll be hilarious! The ratings will go through the roof!" ... "That is GENIUS, Wilkins! This will be a perfect follow up from our Fall special Fast Animals/Slow Children!"
There is so much that is wrong with this show, starting with the host. Jeff Foxworthy. I would bitch and moan about his tired antics, pathetic abuse of stereotype, and why he needs to be shot for introducing the word "redneck" so veraciously into the vocabulary. But you know, I really couldn't pick a host more befitting of this tragic excuse for a game show. Honestly, a hero to hicks everywhere hosting a show that hicks would consider a real teaser to the brain.
Another thing is the fact that they're playing for real money. If these people are struggling to answer basic elementary level trivia, they are really the last people you want to hand a $5,000 check to. After owning a bunch of little kids, they'll take their winnings and buy themselves some stock in Enron or something like that. Stupid is as stupid does.
False drama. The shifting lights and heart-thumping dramatic background music, as well as taking several minutes in between answers, has become well entrenched as a staple in 21st century gameshows. You can blame Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for that little addition. But on a show like this, it makes absolutely no sense. There is no drama. The psuedo-drama is far more suited to questions that actually make you think, such as on Millionaire. Who was the king of Saudi Arabia in the 1800's?, that's far more to think about than What's 6 x 10. I guess they're using the drama tactic to build up the dumbness factor. Either way, there is nothing dramatic about this game in the least.
I'll tell you what's amusing as all hell though. It wasn't seen in that clip, but I have seen it. When a contestant gets an answer right, they celebrate like they had just solved AIDS. Or even better, they try to rub it in the kids' faces. "YEAH, you little elementary fuck! I know the capitol of Maine! Bangor, motherfuckers! Kiss my 38 year old ass, you 10 year old dumbshit! YEAH!" I hope your ego gets boosted off of your showing up a 5th grader, you poor pathetic douchebag.
I find it crazy how bad TV gameshows are getting. But I know it's only going to get worse. I thought Deal or No Deal was bad enough. Didn't game shows use to involve some sort of technique or critical thinking? Deal or No Deal requires no thought process or level of intelligence whatsoever. Here's the game in a nutshell: Pick 3 suitcases. Pick 3 more. Do you want money? Ok, pick 3 more. Do you want more money? Pick another suitcase. Do you want money? Pick one more suitcase. Ok ok ok, now do you want.... MONEY? How do they possibly cram that much excitement into just one hour?!
Of course, Japan will always have us beat in the crazy gameshow department. There is just no competing with those crazy suckers. Their games involve actual injuries and other assorted hurtiness. But this just absolutely blew my mind. I read in the local newspaper the other day that in Norway they're going to air a reality show where a dying wealthy woman is going to donate her kidney. She's going to be talking to all the "contestants" and make her decision (with help from the viewing audience of course). That's absolute horrid. That's almost as distasteful as FOX approving a show for OJ. Take other people's crippling disease and market it for ratings. Humanity fucking sucks.
In closing, yes, I am smarter than a fifth grader. But I actually have dignity and wouldn't toss it away to go on this show, though showing up little kids is always a plus. I must say though that the show would get a lot better ratings if the show was called How Far Can You Throw a Fifth Grader? Child violence? Yes please.